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though i've been in and out of depressions for the past six years or so, since january of this year i've been in my first real remission. however, since last night i've been craving my depression. i don't want to feel anything. i don't want to feel anything. i think about suicide, even last night started writing a type of will thing, but since my mother would die if i killed myself i won't commit suicide. so i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to go on, but won't do anything. i know i'm not in a major depression yet. i know that right now i could choose to fight it. but i don't want to anymore. i want my depression back. i don't want my mind to be impaired again, but i don't want to feel anything. i don't want to keep hoping and keep trying and being a part of the world. right now i'd much rather just be sick again. then when people let me down i wouldn't care. or they wouldn't let me down at all. i just want to be done.

anyone else ever delibrately choose their illness because they were tired of trying to be well?

sometimes life is just too long.

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I went through a similar thing...felt shitty for a decent amount of time, felt better for a short period, and then started to prefer shittiness. Then I actually felt shitty again, and I sure as hell didn't want to feel shitty when I remembered just how shitty feeling shitty was.

Most people do not wake up one day and find themselves in a different mood state that is completely different from the previous day. It's a gradual thing. If I were you, I would get whatever treatment you're receiving tweaked so you don't end up relapsing.

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As odd as it seems, remission can be scary, especially after a long depression. There's all those bills to pay, all those relationships to mend, all that work productivity to reestablish. All that stuff you couldn't face while depressed didn't go away, it just waited for you to be able to see it.

You're still pretty fragile during the first several months of a remission. If you try to undo all the damage all at once, it can get overwhelming. Depression can begin to look safe and comfortable at that point.

But, as jenesaiquois said, the memory of depression is nothing like the reality of it. It hurts. It ruins your life, and you really don't want to be there again.

Please do not follow that path back into depression. It will just make everything worse and will be all that much harder to crawl out of next time.

Find a therapist if you're not already seeing one. For me anyway, the beginnings of remission are times when you need to be gentle with yourself.

Best of luck to you.

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so i feel like i should say this and it probably has something to do with my mental state, but i really can't focus on it right now. i had been seeing a therapist for about 4 months and then we had a really bad session. i went back and i just realized that she and i didn't communicate well. so i had an intake last week with some one new. i'm not sure if i can afford her, but i'm desperate to find someone i like, so i'm trying to promise myself i'll figure it out.

but my world is still crashing down. my suicidal thoughts are so frequent right now. i'm obsessing about them. i even started a will, which is the furthest i've ever taken these thoughts before. they're just in my head so much. i can't stop thinking about it. i keep listing the different ways to do it in my head. i can often come up with arguments against them. also, i have promised myself i won't kill myself because it would kill my mother and she's the most important thing in the world to me. so since i'm not actually going to follow through i just want the thoughts out of my head. suicide is not a logical reaction to my life and my problems right now. like i have no hope. i'm alone, like i've always been. my family and my best friends live hundreds of miles away. and i am a complete and utter failure at romantic relationships. no one has ever loved me in that way. and i don't understand it. when i'm not depressed i like myself, i like who i am and how i look and i think i'm a good catch. but still i can't find anyone interested in becoming a part of my life. and i know this type of thinking is one of my major triggers, but i just can't rustle up any hope. it's just no where to be found. and i'm not all the way down because i'm not sobbing and i can get out of bed in the morning, but many more days of these thoughts and i'll be a puddle of tears soaking into my mattress.

there's this war going on inside my head. my intellect is fighting with the suicidal thoughts, but at the same time my intellect is fueling the suicide thoughts with things like murder and my uncle dying and my dirt poor relatives that i love to death but they make me so sad and the news comes up wtih stories of babies being abandoned and i just see everywhere on people's faces that they are alone. that in the end we are all alone. we will all die alone. see, there is no hope here. i don't know what part of me is still fighting, but some part must be or i would be posting this and i wouldn't be practicing what i'm going to say in therapy tomorrow. i need to let her know the severity of the situation without making her freaked out enough to commit me. cause i don't need that right now. i'll get through, some how. i guess. frak, i'm ranting.

As odd as it seems, remission can be scary, especially after a long depression. There's all those bills to pay, all those relationships to mend, all that work productivity to reestablish. All that stuff you couldn't face while depressed didn't go away, it just waited for you to be able to see it.

You're still pretty fragile during the first several months of a remission. If you try to undo all the damage all at once, it can get overwhelming. Depression can begin to look safe and comfortable at that point.

But, as jenesaiquois said, the memory of depression is nothing like the reality of it. It hurts. It ruins your life, and you really don't want to be there again.

Please do not follow that path back into depression. It will just make everything worse and will be all that much harder to crawl out of next time.

Find a therapist if you're not already seeing one. For me anyway, the beginnings of remission are times when you need to be gentle with yourself.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for your thoughts guys. It is like, though, i was just there five months ago, so though you're right that what i'm remembering is not the truth, it still seems like it to me. i needed that reminder.

thanks

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ever since I was little, I embraced the very idea of becoming a cold, hard machine filled with nothing but circuitry and turning cogs. That hasn't happened.

My depression makes me yearn to feel that way because then I wouldn't.... have to feel.

I know this probably isn't helping, but it's a bit cathartic for me right now. I'll send some good energy your way, sweetie.

;)

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Ever since I was little, I embraced the very idea of becoming a cold, hard machine filled with nothing but circuitry and turning cogs. That hasn't happened.

My depression makes me yearn to feel that way because then I wouldn't.... have to feel.

I know this probably isn't helping, but it's a bit cathartic for me right now. I'll send some good energy your way, sweetie.

;)

thanks for the good thoughts everyone. i have started with a new therapist and though it's only been a few sessions she's been helping. everything is still pretty up and down. how do we regain resiliency after depression?

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