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Why this urge suddenly? (thats why I came here)


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;) I have been dealing with BP, GAD, ADD, etc, for years, and have never even had a suicifal thought--well, took a bunch of Klonopin once to get someone to listen to me--but--

Why, now, have I made sure the house is clean, and everything done, and am searching for clean blades and anti-biotic--don't want to get an infection, right? This is making no sense to me, but it seems like the most likely way out of the depression thats so bad I can't even cry/ There is just no use in even trying. Its just a bottomless pit.

I have a pdoc and a therapist, but nothing is going to change my life, because I don't have a purpose any more, and I dont' even hurt. Maybe if I can hurt, I could cry.

Why now, after all these years of muddling thru all this? I don't know what to do or where to go but some kind of feeling has to be better than this--just dead nside, like there is nothing left.

It doen't make sense--but something has to work, and I don't want to wast a bunch of pills that won't even make me sick. I just want to have a life again.

china

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Wow, thanks, guys for your concern and help. I have nice slices on my arm, and have gotten bulemia down to a fine sicience, gets rid of all the shit in me.

china

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Chinacat,

I am so sorry no one responded in this with more knowledge than me. I do not SI so I am unsure what to say. I don't know or understand the urge/need/drive for SI.

But I can understand unhappiness and pain. I am sorry for the troubles that you are having. I wish that I had words of wisdom to make everything better, but all I can do is offer my prayers for you and to say that I am here if you want to PM me. I don't know that I can help, but I can listen as you yell, cry, rant, whatever.

Peace and blessings to you,

Cindi

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Oh china-

I'm so sorry you are in such an awful place. I just saw your post for the first time. I'm sorry noone replied before.

To start- you are right about the infection thing- but i know you know this.

;):)

After many years of doing these things, I finally kind of figured out that when i cut and when i puked- it was all about making myself feel different. :)

not really better or worse- i just couldn't bear the pain of the moment and felt desperate to change it to something, anything, else.

There are times it gets so bad, and those old temptations come on so strong and its so hard to fight.

Is there anything you could think of that would be a safer way to feel different?

I don't know- ice cubes, or going out in the rain- ( it was rainy today- i suppose you could even go in the shower in your clothes- is that totally ridiculous?).

I also realize that those urges always seemed to come when i was so angry and didn't know what to do with that. i'm so sorry we dissapointed you here- i can imagine how that must make you feel even worse and alone. but we're still here- hopefully others like me just didn't see your post yet. you are so good to everyone here- you deserve support for you.

I know this is mostly about me- i guess i'm just trying to say i understand how awful it must feel.

I hope you can come SCREAM and YELL here- instead of hurting yourself.

(and i know the call tdoc and pdoc is kind of a given)

i really wish there was something i could do-

i so hope something helps

mrs l

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