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Depression sucks! Please respond!

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I have been feeling a little depressed lately. I had recently gone to Arts Walk in my area and I am still pissed about it. I have been looking forward to it for YEARS and it was a complete disaster. In the building I was at to show off my art work there were two artists there. One in the front and one in the back. I was in the back. It figures. Nothing goes right in my life. Tens of thousands of people went to this thing as it is one of the biggest events during the year in my area. There were a few hundred that went into the building that I was at. Literally 90% looked at the other artist and totally blew me off like a jerk. They hated me. They were in on the plot to make me depressed and CONFIRMS that everything is meant to go horribly wrong for me. What are those people? Blind and dumb? Or just a jerk that should burn in Hell for deliberately ignoring me. I am hopeless that nothing will EVER go good for me. There was this beautiful gallery that wants my art at least that is what they said at Arts Walk and he said he will call us when he needs my art work but still no call. My hopes went up like Google stock but its back down. In other news, some of my symptoms are returning because I had to go off a pill that was causing too many side effects. One of those side effects includes a tumor on my pituitary gland! Luckily it is non cancerous. If it was, I would be dead by this time. It also caused my prolactin levels to be 4-5 times the normal amount. My biggest fear right now is that I am afraid that my dad will retire before my business does anything. He makes good money now and if he retires, where is the money going to come from? He MIGHT get $1,000 a month and that is about minimum wage or below. That is down from $100,000 a year! I will NOT be poor! We are not rich but if you see my house, you would think otherwise. It is a huge house. If he retires, we will move into a dump in a dangerous area because that is all we would be able to afford. The ONLY thing that will stop this horrible thing from happening is if my business takes off but I have had this business for about 10 years and it has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! There is no hope for me. More stuff continues. My brother will move out this year and he is ahead of me in every way. He is going to a University and he is studying game programming which they make big bucks. I am talking about over $100,000 within 5 years. He will probably get a job at Microsoft and their benefits are amazing! I am worthless and hopeless because I am just a unemployed idiot that will never do anything in life. I have everything stacked against me. 90% of autistic schizophrenics don't have a job or are homeless. Yep, you read that right. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, actually schizoaffective disorder. The thing is, I don't agree with that diagnosis at all because I don't hear voices. At least audible ones. I am also worried about my parent's health. My dad might need surgery on his shoulder. He works. He is missing so much work now because of doctor appointments and I'm scared that he will lose his job. Then to make things worse, my mom has a bad back and that might have to be operated on. Last time she had surgery she nearly died. I'm also scared that I will need brain surgery on my tumor. Then oh yeah, its that time of year again! Birthdays bring bad luck. It doesn't matter whose birthday it is, whether it is my own, my dads, or whoever, it doesn't matter. My symptoms seem to flare up around that time and it doesn't matter what is going on around that time. Last time was my birthday which was on February 19th. It was so bad that I had to go to the hospital. I was suicidal. I hated the stay there. The doctors were jerks and hated me. I hate them for lying to my face. I asked him, "do you think I am faking my illness?" he said NO. Then I got the report from the hospital and it basically accused me of getting the symptoms off the internet and the Internet CAUSED my schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, and depression. Let me prove a point here. I need to shoot that jerk down. I had these things BEFORE I started reading about them. When I was 13 my symptoms were 100 worse than they are now. It was horrible back then and at least back then the doctors believed me. Right now I am getting thought insertion from the government and aliens and it is annoying. I have the thoughts that say, "i'm going to kill you soon!" or "the invasion will come!" Really scary things like that. Then I have been spacing out and sometimes going catatonic in the middle of nowhere and sometimes "losing" my ability to speak properly. Total gibberish would come out of my mouth or sometimes I get really disorganized. That just happens occasionally. So, what do I do now?

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hi Fire Bird.

i read through all that and it seems like there's not just one huge problem going on there, there's a bunch of smaller-sized (but still troublesome) problems happening all at once. i would be overwhelmed if i were you, too.

it is so awesome to me that you were in that art show at all! i could never, ever accomplish that (and i'm not being modest). the fact that someone wanted to display YOUR work to that many people says to me that what you do is quite something! i'm sorry it didn't go how you expected or wanted it to. but i don't want you to forget what a huge accomplishment it was just BEING there. so many people try so hard and don't get as far as you are now, and they don't have your obstacles to climb over, either!

assuming they hated you probably isn't going to get you anywhere but feeling like shit. cause really, it's just an assumption, right? yeah they could have been total snobs, or they were just into something different, or maybe they were just assholes. that doesn't take away from the value of your works at ALL. that doesn't mean that a different crowd at a different place and time would have the same response. you won't know until you test that theory! the right place and time can mean the world of difference. doesn't mean it isn't frustrating as all get out though. i've had many friends who were artists in very different mediums (media? i'm not sure about my phrasing), and it seems that you all are so sweetly sensitive when displaying your work to strangers like that - it's like you're holding your own self up to be judged. it must be so hard.

you've got other stuff going on that needs a different kind of attention, too - health problems both for you and your family, worrying about finances, worrying about your own treatment - that's a lot to worry over. and about your brother? bah, never mind him. let him go be as successful (or not) as he can. it says not a whit about you. really, i'm not kidding. the only people who would even think to compare the two of you would be your own family - and if they can't see that your talents equal his, phooey on them. that would be the dumbest reason to give up, not being "as good as" him or anyone else. not trying to be too tough with you here.... i'm just speaking from experience (i have compared myself right into poverty and unproductiveness, and now i have to climb back out. those high standards got me nowhere but down!).

i hear you when you say you don't trust the med professionals. i have a hard time with that too. i don't think they're out to get me (and i don't think they're out to get you either). but it does happen that we get ignorant staff all up in our business sometimes when we need help the most, and that really sucks and makes me angry. however, taking that chance (to get help) is all we've got. is there any doc, pdoc, tdoc, anyone, who you could tell this stuff to? what i would wish for you is not only someone to watch your meds (which might need tweaking, who knows), but someone to help you learn that your worth isn't measured in the units you've assigned. it's not measured by how people react to your artwork, or by how well you can compete with your brother, or whether or not someone believes your diagnoses. your worth isn't about any of those things. i know i can't feel good about me or the world if i judge myself against the accomplishments of others. yeah easier said than done, nigh impossible when you're really depressed. i really think you could use someone at your side to help you remember who you really are and how much you really are worthy.

if you weren't worthy i wouldn't have just sat here and fixed about fifty typos just so you could read this ;)

well my advice might not amount to much, but i hope it helps you feel a little better to know i heard you and i'm sorry you're hurting. hope you've had some sleep (not sure what time zone you're in!), and that today seems like a better day somehow.

- rita

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Once again, I agree with Lysergia. It is amazing that you even had an art show. Even more, it's amazing, and I am somewhat envious of you, to even be able to create art. i am a non active artist with what seems like a permanent creative block. You will always have your art and your ability to create art. I've read your posts before and it sounds like you've had quite a few artistic accomplishments. What is your secret? How do you do it? How can you be so creative with the meds and mi and all that? Maybe you shouldn't cut yourself down so much. love, mel

oh, i, too, am experiencing some depression. after having almost none for several months. so you're not alone.

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yes good advice from Lysergia.

It seems like everything that happens to you is added up into one big whole conspiricy to make you miserable. I'm tending to think that these are all seperate issues, and should be dealt with individually, letting them overwhelm you all at one is just... well its going to overwhelm you and make you think that the whole world is against you. There IS NO CONSPIRACY. Life happens for better or worse, in a series of events that no, we don't have any say in, and sometimes can't control. Bad things happen to good people. They deal with them and move on.

I respect your artistic accomplishments, and wish I could be that successful.

You seem to judge everything you do by others achievements, your brother, the other artist etc. What you do stands on its own right as a great accomplishment - its better than they could ever do because they don't have the same barriers to success as you do. This is coming from another autistic, and previously dx as schizoaffective. My brother is a highly successful doctor by the way, and I think great he can achieve. So can I, just in different ways. He doesn't have a MI to contend with.

I know its hard, but try to focus on achievements - you've achieved great things. You are capable of overcoming these current obstacles and achieving more, and you will succeed. Try to take things one at a time, and don't let things overwhelm you by looking at everything at once. I know easy to say hard to do. Hang in there, best of luck. SC

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