Which one could it be?

[Echo]

I've been kinda post happy lately! I do appologise. I'm back at the meds game after a pretty long hiatus and sorta freakin' out.

Here's my problem;

On friday night I started my latest cocktail:

Depakote (Epival) 250mg at bedtime

Seroquel 50mg at bedtime

Klonopin 0.5mg as needed.

So I had some crazy somnolence over the weekend which is starting to get a little better (with lots of caffeine in the morning to help) and have also experienced some zombi-ish floaty-ness feelings. Sort of like I'm just not all there. Those I can cope with (for now). What I cannot cope with is the severe depression and all over the placeness I have been experiencing. Lo and behold, it started right when I started the meds! I have not experienced something like this in a looooooong time. I have had fits of uncontrolable crying, urges to SI, thoughts about suicide, hopelessness, pits of despair, bouts of confusion. I will answer the same questions with "I don't know, I don't know" when asked what I'm feeling or thinking or why because I truly don't know! I've almost ruined a relationship because of the insane crazy thoughts I have been having that won't leave my mind. I had this dream on Saturday night and it has not left my head since. It has been going round and round and round and causing me to question this said relationship for absolutely no reason. It's like something is intruding into my brain and fucking with me. These thoughts have no merit. They are completely unjustified. There is no real reason for them, they're just there!

I don't know what to do. I have been having conversations with myself in my head for 3 days now depating about all sorts of things. Because of these things I will end up freaking out and crying and having a panic attack. I have had to use the klonopin twice already since I got the scrip (only 4 days ago) and usually I only use my benzo's once a week or so (if that). I am so wound up, so strung out, so not me.

What do I do? Do you think it's one of the meds? If so, which one could it be? I think it must be being caused by one of the meds because of the time-line associated with it. Also, nothing like this has ever really happened before. I have had depressive episodes, etc. but not really like this.

I feel awful. I want it to stop.

Edited to add: I put in a call to my pdoc last night as I know this is one of the best things I can do but he did not call me back. I will try again tonight.

[gretl]

Sorry, I don't have personal experience with any of those meds, so I can't help answer your main question. All I can say to that is ... this is EXACTLY why a pdoc should not make more than one med change at a time!!!  How the hell are we expected to sort it out?  Is it this one?  Is it that one?  Is it the combination?  Aaaargh.  I sympathize with you.

Try to just hang in there until you hear from him/her.  Can you give yourself a big break this week, just tell people you're going through this transition and need some time to adjust?  Tell your BRAIN that, LOL!  It's a big deal, starting some of these meds.  Weird things will happen.  Doesn't mean they'll continue to happen, but stay on top of it.  But first chill out    (Ha ha, easy for me to say.)

Sending support vibes your way, anyway ...

[Echo]

Thanks for your reply gretl. I wish I could give myself a break but everything is so intertwined, intermixed, confuzzled! This depression comes in fits and bursts, then come the intrusive thoughts which cause the constant worry and then the anxiety kicks in. Then I start questioning myself, I don't know what is what. God help me. This thing involving my relationship is the worst. Not only am I freaking myself right out and causing myself to feel absolutely -i want to kill myself- awful but I am quite obviously, and with great reason, causing the other person horrible stress and worry as well.

I need help and I need it now.

I wanted to go to the hospital lastnight (the mental health one we have here - awesome place) but I was afraid they would wand me to stay and I have to be at work every morning by 7:30am. I also do not have and cannot take ANY sick days as I am the only one here. I feel like I should be on dissability with all that's going on as I need time to just be free to experience these meds and find the right mix without having to worry about somnolence driving to work, during work, depression at work, after work, stress, etc. but I do not believe in a million years that I could ever get dissability as I do my job well (because I am a great actress and hide things SO well) so my boss doesn't notice too much.

I don't know what to do.

*sigh*

Thanks for the supportive vibes. I need all I can get. *tear*

[gretl]

I do my job well (because I am a great actress and hide things SO well) so my boss doesn't notice too much.

Hey, I was that way once upon a time!  And I just *knew* everyone would be screwed without me there to answer all their questions.  It pretty much drove me to a breakdown.  (The famous Bertrand Russell quote was painfully apt:  "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.")  One morning I was sitting on my tdoc's couch having an anxiety attack and she called my boss and clued him in on what was going on.  Boy was HE surprised.  But very supportive.  I took several days off, then went back to work half-time for a few months, then ended up quitting because I just didn't have it in me to go back to full-time.  And clueless little me had no idea there was such a thing as disability for a mental illness at the time.

It sounds like things are going pretty awful for you; I don't think start-up effects should be this bad.  I hope your pdoc gets back to you soon.  How are you doing now?

[Ammity]

Because all these meds are new, there is no true way of find out which one is making u feel so terrible

BUT here are some of my ideas.  Since you've only taken the Klonopin 2x, I doubt that is the culprit.

Also, if ur having mood swings terribly, maybe its an adverse reaction to Depakote. I only say that cause Depakote is a mood stabilizer.

If you're getting a lot of anxious, paranoid kind of thoughts, maybe its adverse reaction to Seroquel.

Those are just some ideas I have. sorry i can't be of more help.

[Echo]

I do my job well (because I am a great actress and hide things SO well) so my boss doesn't notice too much.

Hey, I was that way once upon a time!

[Guest Guest]

Why are you taking Depakote?

[Guest Guest]

Current dx: Mood swings like crazy (rapid cycling) leading everyone to believe I am BP II (as anti-depressants have never worked and only wonked me up more), OCD, and panic/anxiety issues/attacks.

[Echo]

That was me ^^.

Gosh darn I post under guest by accident at least once a day. 

[gretl]

I know in my heart that I should probably be on dissability but I also know that it's a 1 in a million chance that they would ever approve me. I am just too damn functional!

Yeah.  It's horrible, but things have to really really collapse beyond your breaking point before such things are considered.  I was fortunate at least in that I worked for the Feds at the time and could invoke the Family Leave Act ... they had to give me time off and hold my job, even if it was unpaid leave.  My husband got a full-time job in the middle of nowhere shortly after that, so I quit and we moved.  Unfortunately the "middle of nowhere" thing meant it took a lot longer to get the kind of help I needed; easy to hide out there in isolation-ville.  Plus my oldest daughter was starting to manifest her Asperger's/bipolar/TLE, little by little ... enough to make me wonder if up really was down for awhile there.  It took us YEARS to sort out all that.  And we've been one of the lucky ones.  Anyhow, thing are pretty smooth now, thanks to a move and ... oh, about a million other bumps on this rollercoaster which seems to at least not be flipping life upside down anymore.  I am ... drum roll ... starting to look for work again!

Did you hear from your pdoc YET???!  Man.  That's just criminal.  I'm glad you were feeling better yesterday.  How is today?!  When the site went <poof>, all I could think of was people like you, in the middle of something and needing to touch base with people.  God, the ephemeral foundation of the internet support system is scary!

I was wondering if the Depakote might be making me cycle more rapidly than I already am. Don't even know if mood stabilizers have the potential to do that.

Yes.  Everything has the potential to trigger a paradoxical reaction.  Just another way the fates f*&k with us!

[Echo]

Gretl,

That's awesome that you're starting to look for work again. On one hand I can see how being off work and at home learning to deal with my issues would be good - on the other hand I can see how I might go even crazier with so much time on my hands to think and think and think some more. The fact that work gives me structure and routine is probably a good thing. I hope that when you do find work it is something fulfilling and enjoyable for you. There are far too many jobs out there that do nothing for us except supply a pay check (which can often be far too small a pay check to warrant the amount of work we are doing). I think our jobs should provide us with some sort of comfort and enjoyment. Hell, we're at work more than we're at home!

How is your daughter doing? I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to deal with all your own issues and then find out that your daughter has a whole set of hers that she has to deal with too. I would think being a mom who has experienced these types of things would only make it harder because you know what it feels like. I hope she is doing as well as you seem to be doing after so many years of strife.

I did not hear from my pdoc. Admittedly (sp) I did not call him a second time. I sort of let it slide. I've been feeling a bit better, but who knows how long that might last and I think that the way I was feeling was too horrible for me not to mention to him. I think I'm going to call him tonight.

That's very kind, the way you felt when the site was gone. I felt similarly. I kept thinking "Oh no, what if someone is having a real crisis and they need us right now!? Thankfully everything returned to normal shortly thereafter.

It's kind of scary that all meds can make us worse than we are! lol. Yet another reason I will definitely let pdoc know how I was feeling for those two days.

[Echo]

Gretl,

That's awesome that you're starting to look for work again. On one hand I can see how being off work and at home learning to deal with my issues would be good - on the other hand I can see how I might go even crazier with so much time on my hands to think and think and think some more. The fact that work gives me structure and routine is probably a good thing. I hope that when you do find work it is something fulfilling and enjoyable for you. There are far too many jobs out there that do nothing for us except supply a pay check (which can often be far too small a pay check to warrant the amount of work and quality of we are doing). I think our jobs should provide us with some sort of comfort and enjoyment. Hell, we're at work more than we're at home!

How is your daughter doing? I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to deal with all your own issues and then find out that your daughter has a whole set of hers that she has to deal with too. I would think being a mom who has experienced these types of things would only make it harder on you because you know what it feels like. Then again you have been through it all and can then draw on your own personal experiences to help me. I hope she is doing as well as you seem to be doing after so many years of strife.

I did not hear from my pdoc. Admittedly, I did not call him a second time. I sort of let it slide. I've been feeling a bit better, but who knows how long that might last and I think that the way I was feeling was too horrible for me not to mention to him. I think I'm going to call him tonight.

That's very kind, the way you felt when the site was gone. I felt similarly. I kept thinking "Oh no, what if someone is having a real crisis and they need us right now!? Thankfully everything returned to normal shortly thereafter.

It's kind of scary that all meds can make us worse than we are! lol. Yet another reason I will definitely let pdoc know how I was feeling for those two days.