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Getting back on your meds is a good first step - an ap will probably be really helpful too. Telling your doctor what's going on is key. If she doesn't know, she won't be able to properly help you. As long as you don't have a plan to carry out these thoughts, you won't get locked up - I know this bc I've had to promise on more than one occassion that I wouldn't murder my ex-boss - apparently my "thoughts" were a little too well thought out...hmmm....really hated that guy (and still do - just don't want to murder him anymore). I'd also recommend some sort of therapy - I know a lot of people here have had a lot of success with CBT, as well as have I. I no longer feel like pushing strangers in front of subway trains. It's kinda nice, actually (unlike you, I didn't mind being an asshole).

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I highly doubt anyone is going to freak and report you. :) If that were going to happen, I would have been reported a long time ago. ;) I've had violent thoughts for quite some time - it is part and parcel of my mania, this rage thing. Every once in a while I would get the urge to strangle someone - or put a pencil through their eye, or something like that. Mine is an explosive rage so I rarely have a plan. However, I'm pretty good at keeping a lid on it, and have only punched holes in one wall and been in one fight (also in high school). I'm usually good at keeping my temper too, but the thoughts are there. Oh boy, are the thoughts there. Topamax does help, so does the Seroquel. I don't have nearly the violent thoughts that I had before. But, they do creep in now and again under high stress situations.

It's not the thoughts that you have to worry about - it's your reactions to them. I mean, really thoughts are involuntary, the only thing you control is what you do with those thoughts. The fact that they concern you is a good sign. Talking to your pdoc about them, taking meds and being med compliant is great. Bah! I hope this makes sense. I shouldn't post when I'm tired. :-/

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The Topa and Lamictal are da bomb. I'm glad my post was helpful. I honestly can't stress enough about the therapy though - like Patheral said, it's your reaction/action to those thoughts that makes the difference. Fearing them is a good first response. Like Patheral, mine is an explosive rage, but then simmers down to revenge plotting...the problem with that is that I *do* have the ways and means at my disposal, should I choose to employ them (and I don't mind guns, which is why there will never, ever, not under any circumstances, ever be one in my home, nor would anyone in their right mind ever allow me to have one in my home either - most everyone who's ever known me has had the good sense to understand this).

No one here will report you - this topic has been discussed before - not only by me, but by others. I think it's part and parcel to several different MI's...it just can't be helped. Of course, if you laid out, in minute detail, an assassination plot, and told us that in no uncertain terms could anyone deter you from actualizing your plan, well, that might be a different story (of course, if it were me and you were plotting against George W - I'd say go for it...bwahahahaha - ok, not really, I'd hate to see you go to jail, but man, I wouldn't be upset if someone did it).

Seroquel seems to help a lot of people and is usually the first line of defense (or so it seems to me) - what did you try that caused the hand tremors? (most everything seems to cause weight gain) Keep in mind that all meds affect everyone differently, so what might work for me, might not work for you...and honestly, some here might say that I'm on a placebo dosage...LOL. I've been up and down the dosing scale on both meds and this seems to be the sweet spot for me, so I'm not gonna mess with a good thing.

I started taking the Topa to replace the Seroquel and it's been working for me and I think I'm going to be able to stave off an ap, which I wasn't really sure about for a while there. CBT is helping with that too - I tend towards paranoid delusions in addition to my rage issues. The thoughts are still there, but I'm able to identify them as "wrong thinking" or my crazy brain and negotiate them better. In other words, they no longer debilitate me to the point of not being able to have a decent relationship with someone.

Don't worry about telling your pdoc about this stuff, she's heard it all before...it's definitely nothing new. I told my pdoc that I wanted to beat his ass for fucking me up on depakote. He scooched his chair back a little, but tried not to blink - heh. We're still friends...lol. (hmmm, wonders about that unmarked police car parked in front of my building for weeks after, naw, couldn't be...those are just paranoid delusions...LOL)

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Homicidal thoughts and urges aren't taboo here really. ;)

They can and do make you feel shitty for having them from time to time though-Sometimes I thought I must be a monster to have these thoughts and desires. If you calmly explain your urges, and emphasize how they do bother you for having them, your pdoc is probably going to add an AP to your meds regiment-If you find it convenient, print out your original post to show your doctor.

AP's aren't all that bad, and the right one really does help with the frequency and/or the severity of those urges.

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I haven't had hand tremors with Seroquel - but it did make me sleep *a lot* when I first started taking it. That wore off to just helping me sleep at night though. Took about two weeks for that to wear off. But the Seroquel helps me a lot with my rage. I don't fantasize near as much about maiming co-eds (really, a pencil through the eye was my favorite fantasy) because they won't shut up! in class. ;) God, that irritates me so much. Now it just irks me instead of sending me into a flying rage, thanks to the addition of Seroquel - before I was on Topamax only. The combination is what works for me. Everyone is different though.

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According to my 2 recent pdocs, Seroquel has the lowest side effect profile of all of the aap's. Too bad it zombified me...ah well...another example of ymmv.

Oddly enough, Patheral, stabbing people in the neck with a no. 2 lead pencil was my fantasy...right in the main vein and watching the blood squirt out....yup, see, the thoughts are still there, but the rage associated with them is not. Wonder what it is about stabbing people with pencils? Hubby and I laugh all the time about the TSA taking away my lady shick but letting me keep my pencils...obviously they know nothing about what can, and cannot be used as a lethal weapon (urgh, now I've got myself started - do you know how many 3.4 oz bottles of fluid I can stuff into a ziplock bag? and since there's 2 of us, man, that's a lot of "dangerous" shampoo we're taking on board - sometimes I want to bring explosives on and blow shit up just bc I CAN - just to show them how friggin stupid their rules are...but see, now I digress again...into the dark side...I must use the force...the force of Topamax and CBT).

Where the fuck is yoda when I need him?

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i have just started on pericyazine (neulactil) which is an old class AP, with less of the weight gain side effects and more of the movement side effects, which arent usually a problem at low doses.

my pdoc says it is good for releasing tension and controlling or minimising impulses. im hoping this will help with my suidical thoughts. ive only taken it once, but i slept really well, so thats one positive.

another option i guess ;) your pdoc will probably have some ideas when you let her know whats going on.

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Y'know I was in therapy *technically* for anger management issues but we never spent a lot of time on those. I'm great at managing anger, which is why even at my worst I never decked that asshole in front of me in the checkout line or ran that slow-ass idiot off the road...

Basically for me it was just the medication. Believe me, I still have those times where it's just like "ARGH" and there's yelling when things just get too much (but then I'm off the risperdal for a couple more weeks til I can afford it so there ya go...). But generally calmness is key now. Like, take that guy at Walmart the other day...had an issue with supposed line-cutting, wanted to fight me out in the parking lot, I just kept laaaaughing. If he'd confronted me out there I'd've maybe tried to defuse the situation or at least made sure he threw the first punch (on camera, mind you) and then cleaned the pavement with his face. But I only bitched him out a little when he was a'hootin and a'hollerin, cuz you gotta have your self respect.

Now...plans? Oh yes, always, you gotta have plans. Man, I was good at those...what entrance to use, who to shoot, who to pass up if need be to take care of the priority targets, how many guns to have to make sure I didn't have to change clips so the priorities didn't get away while I was busy...and then of course the getaway, moving on to secondary and tertiary etc. targets.

BTW back in 5th grade I DID stab a kid in the shoulder with a pencil. He threatened to sue for lead poisoning...

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Wait...you mean there are people who DON'T have homicidal ideation??!? That s a new one for me. Nothing wrong discussing that........one , most people have, some are more original and thought out than others but.......... I see as healthier than Suicidal Ideation since we're turning the rage outward. DP is just turning it inward.

I kid you not. When my violent fantasies turn to others? I know my depression is lifting.

At any rate.....its not the thoughts.........for me its the danger of stupid drunken violence with no thought at all........no ideation........just ......SNAP!

Two episodes ago I ruined a perfectly good acoustic guitar by doing a manic drunk Pete Townsend move......it broke the window as well...........sad part is ...I was kinda aiming for my wifes head......

Don't drink and you wont kill again? I suppose that's my lessson. Stop me before I kill a Stratocaster. Meh, just the fact you raised the question here is a VERY HEALTHY sign in my opinion............

Ooooh, cool ........theres a masked terrorist icon! Living in Beirut I have a certain fondness for stuff like that ............but I digress. ;)

Its just my opinion, but I think you're fine, in the relative sense of the word.......

cheers

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

blunku12--

Hi there, nothing you said was taboo or triggery. Most of us here have said far worse than you have. At least you explicitly have no intention of carrying out any homicidal thoughts (I think that homicidal thoughts do fleetingly cross the minds of everybody, borderline, other MI, or undiagnosed MI (ie. the so-called "sane")).

I'm glad that you've posted about your anger issues too, since that is something I am trying to work on, as well. I used to be a "hold it all in" variant of borderline personality disorder, but I ended up a couple years ago with a chronic brain infection that sort of neurologically let it all out of me. My mother and her father (suicide, 1987) have and had similar problems, respectively (though without needing a brain infection, apparently). My mother started acting out all her emotions when she found out that her father suicided, and I started acting like her when I got an infection that started eating away at my brain.

For me, I try and avoid confrontation with my mother. Often, I can logically talk her down. Sometimes, I can't talk her down, so I just walk away, letting her do the screaming (she generally doesn't notice I'm not there until she sees the fact after turning around). That said, I have never had homicidal ideation towards her, though I often do have violent ideation and want to smack her so hard that instead of her recoiling backwards, the world will spin the other way briefly.

Another solution (please talk to your doctor before trying this) I use is to dissolve a particular dose (for me, it's 0.5mg) clonazepam (Klonopin) under my tongue to quickly calm me down. So, again, I suggest you speak with your doctor about the idea of benzos during your times of violent ideation. It is possible that they could help.

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You mentioned several times you want to not have the thoughts...but I think it is going to be a matter of NOT trying to force them away, acknowledging they are there, and properly dealing with them...hence the therapy.

I know you are feeling a bit like a horrible freaky monster, but, like you said, you are NOT stashing guns in a bell tower and stocking up on ammo. There is a world of difference between thought and action. Even allegedly normal people have thoughts like that. Maybe not as often or as graphic, but they do pop up.

Be open and honest with your pdoc, find a good med with the least possible side effects, look for a therapist, and go on with life.

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Oh, I so remember having homicidal thoughts a few years ago. I would take the anger out on myself though and cut my arms up with a pair of scissors. I haven't done that in a long time. But I totally understand where you are coming from. At least you're not hurting yourself or others.

I agree with everyone so far. Continue talking it over with your pdoc even if it bothers you. You WILL feel better. And the help of a ap will help. It helped me, but stifled my creativity. I need to get mine changed. I'm tired of not creating anymore. I'm on Geodon. So if you're creative, DON'T and I mean DON'T go on that one. Topamax is great. The first time I was on it, I lost a ton of weight. Which was great! The second time, it just kept my weight stabilized. I did gain weight with Geodon. Not a whole lot. Like ten pounds.

I've also done the Klonopin tongue thing. But it was because I was having an anxiety attack and I needed it ASAP. I'm good on that boat too now.

Just remember you're not the only one and we're here to help you and so is your pdoc.

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  • 3 weeks later...

(of course, if it were me and you were plotting against George W - I'd say go for it...bwahahahaha - ok, not really, I'd hate to see you go to jail, but man, I wouldn't be upset if someone did it).

Pretty late to the show I know, but you realize of course this would mean President Cheney...

not that I'd mind!

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