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I really cant handle this anymore

I have bipolar, my lithium has been increased as i was out of the range. But i am so miserable.

It hits in massive waves, and i just start crying as though some great tragedy has occurred, when nothing really has.

A secret for you is that i for the last few years i have been stashing all my meds that were discontinued or trials. So i have a great collection of Anti D, Anti P, mood stablisers and some benzos, plus a whole heap of other random junk.

It is stock piled for a day like this when i just cant take it anymore.

My friend told me last night she made an attention seeking suicide attempt by overdosing on paracetamol. Although i am concerned about her, i am pissed off too that she takes suicide so lightly - when i am hear fighting what feels like the battle of my life to survive not making a suicide attempt. And for me i know it would be a one way ticket if i tried.

I am so lonely, my parents are away, my partner is working, the very very few friends i have are so totally screwed they wouldn't care. Im not exaggerating i pick very abusive people to have in my life as friends. this is part of the problem and why i am so down.

Its saturday, i have nothing to do, no where to go, no one to talk to. i hate it im a pathetic loser.

I have a good job, a house, a car, a loving family, a puppy and a BF - and all i want to do is die, i cant find one positive at the moment, when i know they are everywhere but i just cant seem to shift this fuckin massive dark cloud.

and believe me i have tried and tried, i got up and went to gym, ate healthy etc etc but now i sit here alone, a mess, babbling to a computer screen - hoping to find some connection with anyone

No i cant call my doctor, its a long weekend where i live, and i am not going to the hospital cause it solves nothing - they cant fix my meds i need my doc for that who knows me. & last time i went the asswipes nearly killed me giving me a drug i told them i had previous reactions too - but why listen to the crazy girl who wants to kill herself. So yeah id rather do it myself, then go and try and get help and let them do it for me.

please help me hang in there - i cant tell u how much i hate this and want to fight

sorry to many tears to edit this right now - just need to spit this all out

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IV-stop! Don't listen to the evil voice of depression. A lot of us have been there, me too. It seems like everything is horrible and will never get better. But try to remember feeling better because you will feel better again. I know you will. Ending your life is not an option. don't let the depression beat you. I know how hard it is. but you just got a med. change. Are you sure you can't call your pdoc 911? I don't know what kind of meds you have on hand or what you may be planning to take, how much, or what you expect. AD;s take a while to work. AP's are unpredictable. When I was inpatient, there were 2 people who took pills to OD as a suicide attempt and they both were wearing kidney bags that pee came out of . Sometimes they would leak and they would be covered in pee. They also regretted doing it more than they could even say. Not to mention permanent kidney, brain, and liver damage. Really, if you are having such strong suicidal thoughts, it is time for you to reach out to someone, anyone, to help you. Even if you have to go to the ER. Tell them you are allergic to whatever they gave you before. it is better to go that route than to go through what you are going through. And you will get better. But you must, I mean you really really must get help, now. Please?? I don't know you, but i have read your posts before and i think you are a great person. What would you tell someone in your shoes? Call a suicide hotline. go to er. there is a link at the top of the depression board about what to do if you are suicidal. Read it all. It may help you and give you options. It has links to suicide hotlines. Call someone. You may be surprised at the support you could get from your parents or even your "friends". Right now it is imperative that you talk to someone who will help you. My number one recommendation would be for you to go to the ER. It may not sound fun, but it is not fun for anyone to go to the er. Just think if you have a choice between going there and maybe it will be better adn more helpful than last time, and the other unthinkalbe choice, what do you have to lose? I really want to hear back from you soon. Unless you are in the hospital already, which i hope you are. I have been in your shoess before and i know and understand how it feels. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Don't give up. I care. I know lots of people here care. Stick around and see the responses you get later when it is not in the middle of the night. Maybe someone else can say it better than me. I am going to watch your post. Please update. you can pm me if you want to. Hugs are probably stupid to hear right now , but i say hugs anyway. take care and think of any other options. love, melissa

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I really cant handle this anymore

I have bipolar, my lithium has been increased as i was out of the range. But i am so miserable.

Yes you can handle this. You ARE handling it. Right now. By writing this stuff down. You may be miserable at the moment, but you've been through this enough times that you know that it gets better.

A secret for you is that i for the last few years i have been stashing all my meds that were discontinued or trials. So i have a great collection of Anti D, Anti P, mood stablisers and some benzos, plus a whole heap of other random junk.

It is stock piled for a day like this when i just cant take it anymore.

FLUSH them now. Modern day benzos, ADs, AAPs, etc. are unlikely to kill you but very well can disable you for life. Even if you can't imagine how life can get worse, it can. Do not do this to yourself.

i got up and went to gym, ate healthy etc etc but now i sit here alone, a mess, babbling to a computer screen - hoping to find some connection with anyone

Hey! You are SO much better off than you were a couple of years ago. I wish I had the energy and will to eat healthy and go to the gym. You deserve a lot of credit for that. It is huge.

please help me hang in there - i cant tell u how much i hate this and want to fight

Go to a movie. I don't know if you're used to going to movies alone. It may feel awkward if you're not. But I am. And I can tell you that no one is watching you thinking, Ah, poor thing. Actually, people are far too wrapped up in their own shit to look too far beyond themselves. Anyway, get out of the house. Get out of your head. Do something entertaining. Movie, library, art museum, what the fuck ever. Ride a bike, go to the beach, anything.

You'll get through this. Even if you can only let yourself think about one minute at a time, you can do this.

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;)

O.K. Everything that I can think of to say seems so inadequate.

Remember that the number one goal of us here right now is to keep you alive so that you have a chance of getting better, feeling better, and enjoying life again.

I don't know what that will take.

Maybe like me, when all I wanted to do was die, there was a piece of me somewhere, underneath all of the excruciating pain that had a tiny bit of hope and wanted to experience the joy of life again and just couldn't give up. I say "couldn't" because I know how much I wanted to but did not. I know that you want to stop the pain of this illness.

I truly believe you can get better.

The number one goal of us here is helping to keep you alive.

The thought of my children at my funeral brought me to my knees.

There is a way for you to be able to enjoy life again. Your current treatment is not working. Find the answer for you.

You can make it there. Cut yourself some slack and make some different and wise choices that will give you hope.

With our help, you can make the choice to keep yourself alive.

We truly know what it is like. You know that. So, we understand how you are feeling and how truly intolerable it feels.

We understand how lonely it is to not have anyone else around us understand.

We know better than anyone how it is to be so painfully ill and then feel better to the point where we don't know how we existed before.

There is hope, as long as you make the choice to stay alive.

You may think this is absurd or ridiculous. But, I'll tell you what. I've wondered what exactly is out there after and if I were to put myself to death.

We want you to stay alive. I've said some things that may be questionable as to whether or not they could be helpful. But, those of us that have been there know the kinds of things we think about. I want you to know that I have been there and I know what it is like. I have gotten much better and you can too.

You were around and counseled with me many times a few years ago when I could not find the right treatment at that time. Remember? Thank you so much for being there. Don't go anywhere, please.

You can decide to stay alive and give those pills to someone or destroy them.

Sadly,

Sunshine Outside

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thx for your replies

my partner ended up leaving work early and he came home and lay with me til eventually i just fell asleep.

I had worked myself up into such a state, it frustrates me to no end cause i can hear what i say and see how i am acting, i know its all wrong but it just hits so hard (the depression) at the moment. Thats why i get so scared - its not like a gradual build up over time at the moment it is the sudden intense bursts - they happen anywhere - one time a few weeks back in the carpark at a fast food outlet - go figure??!! I dont know what its about, cause its about everything, i cry over things that happened years and years ago, things that happened today, things i think will happen. Its everything and anything at the moment.

I cant write much more about it right now, just wanted to say thank you for caring. I want to go outside in the sun and remember why life is good. wish me luck

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going out helps,it really WORKS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!

i feel for you ,take care of yourself .

you are so lucky to have a caring ,loving & supportive partner who understands you !!

count your blessings when it feels so low.It has always helped me,hope it helps you too.

hugs

katy

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katy is absolutely right. Getting out of the house (maybe with your partner, if that helps more) is really going to lift your mood.

Hell, even I have to force myself to do it... my brain infection has given me major social issues (striking up rambling conversations with complete strangers, etc.) and severe photophobia (I get headaches even going out on cloudy days)... but going out, for me, in the end feels way better than staying home. And of course, I have similar depressive issues, though (as of now, at least) no constant crying.

So, I think (if my experiences apply) that going out should help, no matter how difficult is. Sometimes, to take one step forward, you've gotta take one step back, and then two steps forward, I guess...

Hope this helps and that you get better... and that you talk with your pdoc about your meds... please let us know how things go.

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