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So they say I'm bipolar (II?)...


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I'd wager that I'm borderline.

;) I can wake up in the morning and feel great, then I get some sort of bad news or stressful situation and I want to kill myself. Like today. I woke up in one of the most pleasant moods I've been in for a while. And then unemployment told me I might not get any benefits at all after waiting for 5 fucking weeks. After the lady I spoke with last week told me all I needed was a fucking doctors note to say I was available for work and then the money would come. Lies.

And now I don't even remember what it felt like to be happy.

One little fucking thing can set me into despair or quiet rage. And change my entire viewpoint of the world.

Maybe I'm both. Is it common to have both? can you even have both? The last three antidepressants I took by themselves made me feel like my head was going to explode. Mixed episodes I guess. fun. So I need the mood stabilizer... They put me on Wellbutrin xl and depakote er. My moods aren't constantly swinging around like crazy on a minute-to-minute* basis (*more like 15 minute or 30 minute or several hours basis....but you get the point), but I'm still alternating between feeling okay and feeling like I'm the most worthless piece of shit on earth. Not seeing the hypomania since I started the Depakote, but it's only been a month. We'll see.

:):) I hate this so fucking much. I wish I could be normal and take in the world like a normal person does. I wish I could hold down a fucking job. I wish I didn't seem like such an abysmal failure to so many people. How many 25 year olds have never lived away from one family member or another?? I SUCK. I wish I was never born. I don't have anyone to talk to because if I did, they'd know how fucked up I am and they'd want nothing to do with me. I want nothing to do with me. My boyfriend thinks I just have depression. He's the first and only thing I have in the world that actually, sincerely gives a damn about me and I can't afford to risk losing him. I should tell him. That way he can get out before it's too late. All I'll do is hold him back anyway.

Love doesn't conquer all, illness and death do.

Anyway, uh, I had a point somewhere in there. Are these situational feelings normal in the least for BP? Or is that normal in both? I've read and read and read and I don't remember a single damned thing I read, or I'd probably already know the answer. My brain is entirely worthless. I used to be so goddamned smart.

There needs to be an emoticon for unrelenting despair. Because I'd put it here.

I'm headed up to the local family services building (hopefully today) to see if my unemployed, lazy self can get in on a sliding scale to see a t-doc. I don't know what good it'll do, but at least I can say I tried something.

I have a job interview tomorrow for a job that'd actually pay me enough to pay all my bills and have some left over to save. You'd think I'd be excited about that. But all the voice in the back of my head keeps saying is 'loser, loser, loser. you'll fail at this too. you're an asshole for even presenting yourself to this employer in a manner that makes you seem employable. you're a scam artist. you know you'll just lose this job too.'

I'm getting too old for this shit. Half my friends already own their first home.... and I'm at the same place I was when I was 17.

I think I need an e-hug. ^_^

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((((((((hug)))))))

;) Is the hug right? (first one) I don't think I've seen one here....

Anodyne,

You are not alone in being confused about diagnoses. (including the medical practitioners)

My pdoc. focuses on the symptoms since the symptoms are what need to be treated.

Atypical Depression sounds like what some of what you've described contrary to some belief that you can't have Atypical Depression with Bipolar II, only with Major Depression...see the differences here already?

And we're going by what research and Pdocs tell us. I don't know what the hell Pdocs are going by...I guess research and experience. What I gather is that in many ways tdocs and Pdocs aren't even on the same page regarding many things except for the fact that meds and therapy are most successful together.

In my experience, most people have to find their way through this mess and be assertive when describing your illness and making suggestions to your treatment team. Unless you're lucky and find a professional that will walk you through every step all the way to the end...and no one know what that is yet....

I've just surprised myself. All that sounds very grim. But there is hope. I've gotten much much better and I'm still climbing that path to be even better.

It is scary in that stage when we feel hopeless.

But it does not sound like you're there. Sounds like you are in fighting mode, which is great.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder are two distinct disorders. They can and do overlap like many other illnesses. Some of the symptoms overlap like being more emotional and Feeling our feelings more deeply than some others.

Don't compare yourself with other people right now. Try to talk to people that understand what you are going through. Many people in your life can't. They don't know what they don't know.

Cut yourself some slack. Anytime you have a negative thought about yourself stop, and think of something positive. Seriously. You might even want to write it down.

In any case, it sounds like you are aware, have hope, and are fighting for your life. I can't think of a better combination. You're going to make it.

I'm impressed. I love your "from the hip" (that's a good thing-I could not think of another word) sharing. Keep it up. It does us all good.

Looking forward to more,

Sunshine Outside

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Guest lostinthoughtandjaded

anodyne buddy-

When you described calling yourself a "scam artist" on your way to the job interview, I had to write- cause it's almost word for word the stuff that goes around in my head.... I usually call myself a "fraud" every day I enter the office... I tell myself that I'm gonna be "found out for the hack that I am and fired" and that "it'll totally be a public event too"... I get very socially paranoid sometimes...

those are the lovely obsessive, ruminating thoughts that we are prone to... not to say that you AREN'T neccessarily BPD as opposed to BP, just that yes, what you're describing happens to me BIGTIME...

I personally have a taste of OCD to flavor my BP2, so thoughts like that go around in my head like most people will get song lyrics stuck in their head... which also happens to me, except the songs run MUCH faster and louder than they should...

they're like "crazy mantras", and they're so standard they read like logos... "You're/I'm such a loser..." "Why do you/I bother, nothing ever works..." "They think you're/I'm a freak..."

I made "you're" and "I'm" interchangeable because for some reason the tense changes in my head depending on the day... I haven't figured out what causes the difference, but some days it's like I'm berating myself AS myself, and other times it seems like I'm berating myself as if I'm another person.......

and as for the flash mood changes- that's me to a tee. I'll be having a particularly fine hypomanic day, and then I drop my keys and I absolutely explode, only to spiral further into rage over the next couple of hours- or instead, a friend I'm meeting will be five minutes late and by the third minute, I'm suicidal with depression because clearly, "this friend is late because they don't care about me or they have better things going on or they're hurt and I'm being an asshole by being upset that they're late".......

...so maybe I'M the one with the Borderline problem!!! lol....

CRAP this stuff gets confusing.....

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