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Feeling better. still suicidal


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the last few days have been a bit better

as in a feel 'happier' have more energy and more motivated.

as soon as i run out of energy to be 'great' i just want to die.

i dont know whether im convincing myself that im good when im still crap, or if its just screwed up.

the worst times are having bad nights after good days. Its like, i cant handle the feeling of slipping backwards (and so fast).

i just want....soo so badly... to get out of here.

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Why do you think you've been feeling a bit better? Have you changed anything besides convincing yourself that you're good? You don't have to be great and then horrible, a nice middle ground is good.

I hate to sound like a robot, but if you are having such swings in the same day, then it seems med-related. Something's not right. If you're bp and swinging so much then you need to call doc and change stuff up. I dunno if this is what other people think, but in my world "when in doubt, sedate, sedate, sedate". If I'm swinging then I'll take sedation over mania at least for a little while. Let myself gain more control and get some time stable under my belt, then work on things. If you keep swinging, things will get worse. A little rest and a quiet brain works wonders.

Live for the good times. Get through the bad times by remember the beautiful thing about BP - when you're down you know an up can't be that far away.

Sorry this is sucking - but hey, at least you're feeling a little better.

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I get the same feeling at the end of the day. I get so much pleasure out of being out and talking to people during the day, then I go home by myself and feel alone and bored. I wish I knew how to change this, but since I am having such a good time during the day I don't want to mess with that.

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Onlyz: Its called IRC ;) specifically #crazymeds on undernet, and yes there can be someone having a crisis every 5 minuites in there sometimes, but you may find it gives you something social to do, and the great thing about IRC is that if ppl are pissing you off or you suddenly feel non social you can just leave :)

There are other options for chat out there, many many many options of all shapes and sizes and you might find another one suits you better.

Just a suggestion :)

Berry: haven't got any helpful suggestions really that sounds really rough, I hope matters resolve themselves shortly, and they will, maybe the happy feeling might become stronger I hope so, as has been said your BP, so things will change and hopefully for the better. Hang in there

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Thanks for pointing it out, I'll give it a try when I'm lonely ;). I just feel that nothing satisfies me like face to face contact with people. Even talking on the phone seems empty after being out all day. I am so glad that I have my dog to keep me company, otherwise I'd go nuts.

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Hey Berry,

I'm kinda going through a similar thing at the mo. I have nights as well, when I'm down as. But, during the day I'm not motivated or enthusiastic to do anything except get on the computer and watch TV. I just joined the gym but I'll be damned if I'm going just yet. My head is all fuzzy. The edronax has worked to some degree, but I think it's yet to reach its potential.

1 step forward, 2 steps back really sucks hey. But hang in there. I will if you will. My new motto is Death is Boring. One of my best friends told me that a few days ago, and it just ruined any half-baked thoughts I had on suicide. But bless her.

SJ

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well, i've come off seroquel and started pericyazine (about two weeks) and i thought this was helping a lot.

i've also had a cold/flu. Whenever i have a med change i become hugely hopeful and enthusiastic that its *really* going to help. At the same time i got slightly better (not much though) from my cold and that has the same effect. I was really feeling quite hypomanic!

and then crash. the feelings werent unusual, before the pericyazine (and before i got to sleep again), i was feeling like that all the time. constantly. so it really scares me that that might not have gone away.

i dont really know what to do. I think stress plays a big part. i just cant cope with it. see, i do a lot of things, im really really busy. but im ok with that. just some things happen and i feel incredibly overwhelmed. I dont feel 'just tired' like i do when i overwork myself. I feel like im totally crushed by my mood/feelings.

yesterday i made a passing comment to a friend saying that i was so busy and stressed, with all the stuff im doing its like killing myself slowly. that shocked me, i didnt mean it to sound like that but i think its true. i think im doing so much because it hurts me and i hurt too much if i stop keeping myself occupied.

in any case, i have not fixed this problem of suicidal ideation/urges which are really intense now, stronger than ever before. i thought new med had helped. realistically i think it helps me sleep, which is important. but it only takes the feelings away for as long as i can keep it together. and thats me, not the drug.

*sigh* i talk to other people and i tell them to be hopeful and that things will improve, that feeling bad is a setback not the end of the world. I feel like such a hypocrite. I'm not hopeful. I can pretend, but when i think about what i *really* think i just want to die, i have no hope, i dont think meds or talking will fix this, and im just waiting.

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im ok. quite tired.

i feel mentally exhausted. i have enough energy to be doing 'ok' tonight. i've been knitting - it really helps me zone out, stop focusing on bad things. calms me a bit.

i also got some work done.

i am worried about myself. meds arent enough to get me through my really bad spots. i guess credit to me for getting myself through it, i can see that i am really making positive decisions lately. its just that im so tired, i dont know if i can keep on going sometimes.

strangely enough, the meds are making me forget stuff, im really forgetful, distractible and sort of....off with the fairies! this actually helps me to some extent - i cant focus on the suicidal thoughts as much as i could before. side effects having benefit, who would have thought ;)

except for the 'bad' nights and then its like it takes over me.

how are you?

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