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so tdoc had me fill out an ocd scale to confirm her suspicions (sp?)

and she said i do in fact have ocd.

i 'm a little lost with what the dx means for me, and its not really at all what i thought it was.

i thought ocd was purely about ritual behaviors to decrease anxiety. i didn't get that that is part of it, but there's so much that is about thoughts, not necessarily behaviours.

i guess i always thought my thinking patterns were anxiety and some phobias. but i guess i have all sorts of scary negative thinking and assumptions-( this person is going to die, the train is going to jump the tracks, that meat will give me food poisoning, etc...)

i guess my behaviours are mostly avoidant- stay away from cars so they won't crash, don't eat the dinner i cooked because it will make me sick or fat ( sometimes i'll take a bite and be sorry or scared before i even swallow so i'll spit it out), how do i make sure i meet with everyone's approval. and of course it goes on.

so again- i feel a little lost and confused about what this means and how it might change anything. ( its not like anything is different, it just has a name to it now.

i don't really know what i'm asking, but if anyone can offer any words of wisdom, i'd really appreciate it. thanks.

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Hmm... haven't heard of avoidant OCD, but there's a flavor for everybody.

Mine is making sure the front door is locked at least five times, making the stove is off, taking all my meds in a certain order, getting dressed in a certain order, very stringent bedtime routine, making sure things on a table touch, and arranging random objects into what "feels right" to me.

Good luck, sweetie... they're only words the doctor uses. Only you can turn it into what s/he says it is.

;)

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I'll wing a metaphor: your dx is not a box to contain your experience, but a chest for organizing tools for recovery. I sometimes fall into the trap of sorting my every memory and uncomfortable thought, hesitating with it held over the OCD box, wondering if it belongs there. It's really an obsessive rite of its own. I think I have believed that if I can label my every quirk correctly, not only will I justify/prove my OCD dx, I will also bury and be rid of them. While self-examination is necessary and skepticism about a dx or treatment is healthy, realize the OCD box is always hungry.

I say all that because with the new dx, you will be on a search and sort mission for a while. Don't worry about it. That is fine. Check OCD for its explanatory power in your life. But eventually, I think the attention shifts. In therapy you will explore themes to your worries, pulling back from each individual trouble to the linking pattern. Then, try out tools made for OCD treatment: CBT, healthy calming strategies, trust-building exercises, programs to shrink the radius of your imagined area of expected control and responsibility, medicines, self-esteem raising, sexy fountain pens (well, maybe that's just me. Unfortunately, the top secret emergency thought stop button doesn't really exist, or I'd include that in the toolbox).

My OCD involves very little "C." Doctors may term it "Pure O," "philosophical ocd," "favorite flaming marshmallow," or whatever. You don't need to be checking all day for it to fit. "Avoidant" sounds like the doc is attaching the OCD to Avoidant Personality Disorder, perhaps because your obsessions markedly affect your social relations? But OCD often boils down to an attempt to avoid stress and danger anyway, either through patterns of thought that are themselves distressing, or patterns of behavior.

I hope you are able to find some relief from worry. Good luck with the new tool chest.

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Loved this post...Spuffy, I thought I was the only one obsessed with pens...they make me feel so safe and sound.

Hmmm, where are my fuckin' tools jerkie?

Mrs. L, I had no idea I had OCD either, until I came here and then confirmed with tdoc and pdoc...I'm more O than C and definitely really D - sounds like a rap song - the O to the C to the D in the hizz-ouse. Thank god I can laugh about all of this...hubby doesn't think it's so funny that I need to buy things in threes - especially the big ticket purchases like MOTORCYCLES (yay!) - but at least it satisfies my bipolar mania lust....bwahahahaha.

Seriously, if I didn't laugh, I'd cry, and sometimes I still do. Hang in there, you'll figure it out and what it means to you.

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