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Sometimes I experience severe paranoia or what I think is paranoia. Just remember just because you are paranoid does not mean they are NOT out to get you. Yesterday was one of those days and so was at Arts Walk in my area. I am pissed at the people who deliberately singled me out to kill me through depression there. They went to the other artist and totally blew me off like I was someone that wasn't meant to succeed. They hated me because of who I am. I am serious here people, 90% of the people went to the artist in the front of the building and ignored me. That made me so angry. Sometimes I was trying to wave them over but even seeing that they looked and walked away. I hated being there. I thought it was going to be the best art show I have ever done (tens of thousands go to this event) but it turned out it was the worst. Then yesterday I was eating at a restaurant next to a window and for awhile there I was scared to death that someone was going to kill me by doing a drive by shooting. Then things got worse from there. I went to my art class and started experiencing weird symptoms. I started smelling weird things and then I thought someone was sending chemical weapons into the classroom. I felt something enter my body and I don't know what it was. What is your paranoia like?

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I don't *have* paranoia right now, but I've *had* it in the past. The most memorable one was in 2001 during a particularly interesting mania - I was convinced - convinced mind you - that male persons unknown were bound and determined to enter my third floor apartment to harm and or kill me and my three daughters in torturous ways unknown. They would come at night, between the hours of eleven pm and five am. They would only come by the stairs - not by balcony - only the front stairs, and they would be sneaky. I knew that they were listening to our conversations through the walls, so we couldn't speak loudly after ten (of course I didn't tell my daughters *why*, I just mentioned that I didn't want to disturb the neighbors). I didn't know how they could hear our conversations, but I knew they could. At one point, I knew there were cameras hidden in our apartment somewhere, but I just couldn't find them. I also knew they were responsible for the light my kitchen going out, and for the management not repairing it (fluorescent bulbs - I didn't have them). It was all part of their plan.

I didn't sleep at all until after five am. The problem was, I was working two jobs at the time one from seven thirty to three thirty (M-F), the second from four to ten (Tu-S) and 9-6 on Sat. So the half hour it took me to get home, I was just tense with worry because I just knew that my sixteen year old wasn't capable of keeping these male persons out of our apartment. Only my wakeful diligence would do that.

What didn't help was one Sunday I came home to find my apartment door standing open. The bastards must have changed their plan and come during the day. Of course I called the police. The went inside and found - nuthin'. My middle daughter admitted that she probably didn't close the door properly when she went to her friend's house. I didn't buy it. Fuel to the fire.

This lasted for about a month, maybe six weeks. I started hallucinating towards the end because I was getting about three hours of sleep - tops a night, and trying to catch up on the weekends during my one day off. I started hearing them talk outside of my window, but couldn't see them when I looked outside. I started hearing gunshots - I must have called the police three times that month reporting gunshots.

I've had other episodes - people following me home, people talking about me (I know they are). I was even convinced that all of the business owners in Virginia Beach had a meeting and decided not to hire me - that was the reason I couldn't find a job in 2006 (really!). But that was the longest and most detailed episode of paranoia I've ever had.

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I used to have terrible paranoia. I would always think that people were talking about me in public. I would feel that people were always following me, that they were always out to get me. I would never leave my room at night because I thought that people were in my house downstairs. I would hear noises that scared me and made me feel insane. I got put on Risperdal 2mg twice per day. I was on that for a while and it worked wonders for me. Now I just take a 2mg pill when I need it, but most of the time I am able to feel normal on my own now.

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Reading this is both comforting and saddening - I have elements of just about everyone's experiences - too painful to type right here, right now. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that these experiences just weren't real and now I have to figure out how much of my life was real and how much of it was paranoid delusions, something that still hurts so much. The people out to get me and/or conspiring together against me was a common theme and I still can't let go of the fact that it was my illness and just wasn't true...so many years...and while I feel great in so many ways right now, I just don't know how I'll ever be able to tell the difference. In general, people within a corporate structure are disingenuous, sneaky, back-biting, conspiratorial assholes...and I'm finding it hard to trust that I'll be able to discern reality from paranoia.

Thanks for posting this - made me realize why I just___can't___do___my____resume. Sigh.

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I don't trust people as a general rule. Someone may be introduced into my life through a friend, and I'll think the new person is a plant to spy on me.

I don't like new people or most of the people I meet or work with. For some funny reason, they have to earn my respect or I treat them as a stringent machine/nurse type.

Yup.

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hi all:

firebird wrote:

Just remember just because you are paranoid does not mean they are NOT out to get you.
exactly!!!

the drive-by shooting scenario....me, too. but only when im at one person's house (and im definitely not writing whose house). i think about the physics of such an incident and there has to be some kind of equation for the shooter to know how many shots while the driver has to know how fast & slow to drive to do it. like a "gangs for dummies" book. scary shit!! but it happens.

db

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi there. I would like to share with you what my paranoia was like.

It began in a christian detox centre where I began to beleive that demons were inside of me, and that when my body twitched it was because of a demon jumping out of me into someone else. They knew (the centre) that I was sick but they just dropped me off at the nearest homeless shelter.

Anyways, I began to believe everyone around me's conversation was about me somehow. Like they would say workboots, and I would believe this was about me not working. I was scared of these people because I thought they would kill me if I didnt work for their system of organized crime. This turned out to be a delusion of course.

Then, it got worse. A friend took me in, and I began hearing voices behind walls EVERYWHERE in town. I thought the entire town had secret passages in it, that the organzized criminals sis all their evil deeds in. There were even hidden passages in the house I was in apparently... lots of scary voices. I believed that I had to join their group or they would kill me but in order to do so I had to hurt myself somehow.

Long story short, I ended up in hospital where I CONSTANTLY thought I was under armed gaurd and their were bombs ready to go off if I did the wrong thing... guns all around me... I remember running down hallways screaming, and hiding in a bathtub because I thought there was going to be machine gun fire any second.... I got real scared, and slashed up mny wrists because I would rather have died than be so afraid. Then they transferred me to another hospital, where they put me on the proper meds and I came out of it.... praise the Lord. Amen!

This was my experience with paranoia. Ive since been diagnosed Schizoaffective (I think) and am doing just fine. I just thought I would tell you what real paranoia is like.

I hope youre doing okay, all who read this!

Shalom,

AlarmClock

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I also have experience with paranoia. It sucks!

If someone asks what i'm eating, they must be trying to count my calories. If anyone talks about health food at the dinner table, everyone is in on the plan to try and make me eat less. I will stand up and yell at them all, run off and scrape my food into the trash, ranting the whole way and not always in english, although english is my first and only language...

I must keep the doors and windows covered at night or I see things outside. I sometimes get so panicy that I barricade myself in my room. It comes on without warning. I worry the doors will unlock themselves sometimes! This scares me the most!

There are also evil bugs (unfortunately this is real, not all my imagination...) in my house. They hide in the mountains (texture) on my ceiling an wait to drop down on me and suck my blood. They climb the walls and accost the dog. Poor dog... Poor me! I'm sleeping in the living room right now cause my room is covered in bug poison.

Sometimes i'm up till sunrise and I fall asleep with a flashlight in my hand. They are coming! I ductaped the hallway for the "element of surprise" after all why wouldn't "they" be surprised to run into a strip of ductape. They'd make some sort of surprised noise and i'd shine my flashlight on them and spray my "pepper spray" (actually ironing starch)

And sometimes I think some people can hear my thoughts. So I memporize poetry and it puts up walls so no one can hear my thoughts. But even so, I don't think private thoughts in public places.

This is how I deal with the paranoia: I make up stuff. If I see something outside, it is easier for me to believe that I'm invisible than to believe nothing was there in the first place. It makes me feel safer to hold my breath when I go though doorways. I do anything to make myself feel safer. Like chanting spanish words or turning on a fan that emits a special frequency that keeps "them" (whoever "they" are) away.

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Paranoia is no fun and all of it is unbearable. People are talking about me. The neighbors work for the police department. Friends are following my every move. The phone is bugged. Signs have special meanings and messages. I can control the spead of the train with my thoughts. Pure terror that's for sure.

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I have hardcore, relentless paranoia that 25mg of Zyprexa doesn't even touch.

I think the nurses are reading all my thoughts. I hear all their thoughts back to me like a hideous Greek chorus. They control my bowels, metabolism and menstrual cycle. They control the songs on my MP3 player to send messages to me and I can hear them whispering on it. They perform black magic hexing rituals to fuck my life over every day. I have to bathe in Dragon's Blood Unhexing Bathwash formula and High John Bathwash to counter this every day. They sit with a black effigy of me and stick needles into it. When I think about them, they do all sorts of weird things to my body functions like making me feel I need to throw up.

In general I have voices commanding me to do things in specific ways or something terrible will happen. Ordinary occurences can turn into signs and omens in my deranged mind. I think my madness can seep its way into people's minds and contaminate other people. I can control stuff with my thoughts. Everyone listens in on them, but mainly its the nurses. The p-doc is practically begging me to go on clozapine but I can't because of the nurses. I can never go into hospital again. I work in the hospital and the close proximity makes the thought broadcasting worse. Every day is like a walking horror film. If I bump into a nurse in the corridor it can set me back weeks mentally.

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I also have thought insertion and thought broadcasting. The thought insertion is severe. It tells me that I killed millions of people, that I am responsible for the cyclone in Myanmar by controlling it with my mind, that they implanted chips all over my body, and there are micro machines that destroy my insides and I actually feel it. Aliens also control me and tell me what to do. Sometimes the government tells me if I don't want to be controlled anymore, I must cut out the chips or kill myself. The thought insertion is my worst symptom to deal with.

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I have severe paranoia. Mainly delusions of persecution. I feel like everyone is out to hurt me, and make me feel so small, alone, and scared, that I kill myself because there's no other option. Everyone is in on it; my best friend, my doctors, my mother, people I see in the streets. Like, I went to get my pills, and the pharmacist wasn't there, and thats because she doesn't want me to have them, so I'll get deeply depressed again. My family dr told me there wasn't a point in trying to get a new psychiatrist, because they all know i've been around the block, and that I don't want to get better. I can't even go to the hospital because at one, my first psychiatrist works there, and he used to probe my mind and search for memories of bad things that happened to me, and make veiled references to them when we met, to torment me. I had to quit seeing him over the phone, because even approaching the building he's in gave me panic attacks. At the other hospital, my second shrink works, and he used to punish me by making me take medication the wrong way, so I'd have problems at school and get bad marks. The chance I could see either of them again makes me prefer death.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Guest

I just read your first post and some of what you are experiencing there sounds a bit like intrusive thoughts , like in OCD.

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My paranoia usually has to do with delusions of people stealing from me (like they copy my ideas or steal my stuff or ruin my joy for something specific by taking it away from me) or forcing stuff on me (forcing me to feel certain things). It's not so bad anymore, due to meds. I can talk back at it now.

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I'm only paranoid in a narcissistic sorta way. I always think people are talking about me or laughing about me.

I get really damn snippy about it too. I get these sick violent thoughts about hurting complete strangers who are laughing in front of me or ESPECIALLY the ones who stop talking as soon as I enter their areas.

Hence the Risperdal.

E

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  • 1 month later...

What is your paranoia like?

I worry that someone is standing behind my shower curtain everytime I go into the bathroom. I feel like I am in a horror movie if the lights are out and I hear a weird noise. I will detail in absolute horror the terrible things that are going to happen to my kids because I didn't hear the monster that somehow is hiding in my baby girls closet. I can't get the images and thoughts out of my head without screaming at it ( inner screaming so of course the rest of my family is no wiser)

I have had this on and off my whole lift really f'd up part of it is I thought it was normal I thought it was normal fears and worry. I mentioned it to my tdoc offhandedly during dealing with BPII things and next thing I know I am on risperdal....3 weeks of sudden silence and none of the intense images or fear and then they cam eback...I don't "think" they are worse but they are awful half the time its all I can do not to let them paralyze me. I don't tell my hubby how bad it gets its enough his wife is a raging psycho and a parttime invalid

That is my paranoia I do give in in small ways like always leaving my shower curtain open, I have a bad habit of not closing cabinet doors ( so I dont have a mouse jump out at me even tho we have no issues with them) but I just deal and cower,cringe and cry when needed

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