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I cant stay here anymore I am going out of my mind. i am so tired, every day I get more and more tired, I get more weak and weak. adn I am sick of the stupid meetings adn pretending to be cool wehne everyone knows everyone and I am the "new" girl. I want to yell at my dad, and SAY YES I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESSES, THEY ARE DISEASES, and I cant just become a christian and they would be gone. I want to yell at the stupid people out there, that tell people that their diet pills work, or that this new diet is going to help you lose weight, bc IT IS A FUCKING LIE. I already feel big, and when I look in the mirror I see an 200 lb woman. not an 94 lb woman. not even an 115 lb woman. AN GROSS OVERWEIGHT, disgusting creature, that can not lose weight if her life depended on it . I have been so depressed lately and most of the time can not find a reason to live. I even tried to end it all..but fate i guess stopped me or some stupid person I know. I know it would be devastating to my daughter, I KNOW THAT. I dont need everyone telling me that, no one fucking gets it, when you are depressed and suicidal you dont think about how it is going to affect people you dont even think logically, you just think that no one will ccare, that people would be better off without you, that your daughter shouldnt have a mom so fucked up like me. that is all you think about. your failures, your miscomings, the overwhelming voices in your head, telling you just do it. the voices of your ed, the schizo voices, and then all of the sudden it is too overwhelming YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

A life of mental pain is worse to me, than physical pain. I have been in excruciating pain before,and I would rather feel that, then have to deal with this mental pain every damn day of my freakin life. Where is the end to all this? is it in the pills, the drugs( i dont do illegal drugs btw), therapy, shrinks? I have tried it all. I am so desperate I am going to go into a cliinical trial. and get $360 for it.

but it isnt even the money I was thinking about it, it was that I WANT THIS TO FUCKING END.

for my sanity, for my life to continue it has to end. if not...my whole life will be fucked, or I will die.

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I cant stay here anymore I am going out of my mind. i am so tired, every day I get more and more tired, I get more weak and weak. adn I am sick of the stupid meetings adn pretending to be cool wehne everyone knows everyone and I am the "new" girl. I want to yell at my dad, and SAY YES I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESSES, THEY ARE DISEASES, and I cant just become a christian and they would be gone. I want to yell at the stupid people out there, that tell people that their diet pills work, or that this new diet is going to help you lose weight, bc IT IS A FUCKING LIE. I already feel big, and when I look in the mirror I see an 200 lb woman. not an 94 lb woman. not even an 115 lb woman. AN GROSS OVERWEIGHT, disgusting creature, that can not lose weight if her life depended on it . I have been so depressed lately and most of the time can not find a reason to live. I even tried to end it all..but fate i guess stopped me or some stupid person I know. I know it would be devastating to my daughter, I KNOW THAT. I dont need everyone telling me that, no one fucking gets it, when you are depressed and suicidal you dont think about how it is going to affect people you dont even think logically, you just think that no one will ccare, that people would be better off without you, that your daughter shouldnt have a mom so fucked up like me. that is all you think about. your failures, your miscomings, the overwhelming voices in your head, telling you just do it. the voices of your ed, the schizo voices, and then all of the sudden it is too overwhelming YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

A life of mental pain is worse to me, than physical pain. I have been in excruciating pain before,and I would rather feel that, then have to deal with this mental pain every damn day of my freakin life. Where is the end to all this? is it in the pills, the drugs( i dont do illegal drugs btw), therapy, shrinks? I have tried it all. I am so desperate I am going to go into a cliinical trial. and get $360 for it.

but it isnt even the money I was thinking about it, it was that I WANT THIS TO FUCKING END.

for my sanity, for my life to continue it has to end. if not...my whole life will be fucked, or I will die.

I assuming with how you're feeling right, concentration or reading long replies are out(at least that's what I find)so I'll keep this short.

DO NOT participate in a clinical trial, it could cause more problems and you DO NOT need that.

If your family do not understand you have a M.I then by all means shout, they need to understand if only for your sake.

I do understand that when you are feeling suicidal, other people do not always enter your mind but that's the M.I talking so please remind yourself to tell your M.I to "fuck off" when you start feeling suicidal.

Keep posting on here, it's good to write things down.

Do you have a blog? You could start one and set it to private and write there if need be.

Last but not least get yourself to the ER asap and tell a doctor how you are feeling, they maybe able to help.

Take care,

SW

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