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No, I don't want to f****** die! Ramblings.

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Is there a treatment gap here that I've been ignoring?

I have Treatment Resistant Depression but this may apply to many more.

I was told not too long ago that I should pretend to be suicidal to get into a hospital for much needed help. That felt like an injustice somehow. I was indignant and did not go that route but should have I?

Should I continue to tolerate this intolerable pain day after day, month after month, year after year? This is what I have done before. I don't know that hospitalizations are the answer (I've had three before) but are they better than doing nothing when the constant med changes do not work and we spend years in misery?

Is there another answer between Pdocs, tdocs, groups, and outpatient/inpatient hospitalization? Seemingly not and I don't know what there could be.

This is what I Do know.

I have moved into an eerily familiar place of intense mental, emotional, and physical pain, feelings/certainty of helplessness, doom, and hopelessness and a seemingly inability to take care of myself in the most basic of ways.

Reaching out and therapy may or may not help in the coming week. In the past, I have experienced too many long periods of time in which it did not help and I was left with looooong periods of time of intense suffering but still not wanting to commit suicide, but desperately needing to stop the pain. Having to endure that kind of pain for extended periods of time is inhumane.

Is anyone with me? Maybe my mind/body is just so crazed with pain that I'm not thinking clearly and if so, please, PLEASE, get me back on the right track.

I'm not suicidal. I have a clear memory of what life can be. That is what I want, not to die!!! The problem is the only next step I can think of is hospitalization at this point.

What do you do when you mind & body are shutting down and the pain is increasing to the point where you won't make your get up to go to Pdocs, tdocs, outpatient hospitalizations, pay your bills, go to the grocery store, have contact with people, make friends, try to enjoy anything, or do anything else. How long can someone go on this way?

Can you relate?

Any comments would be of great help today.

Bleak and scared,

Sunshine Outside

Interesting note - As the pain has increased, I've become aware of me shutting down my consciousness to feel the pain less. Also interestingly too, for my sake (or maybe not?) and for the sake of my boys, to the best of my ability, I will pretend to be fine. That just kind of seals it, doesn't it?

SO, I am bipolar 1, but my depression was so bad and treatment resistant that for the first few years I was treated just for major depression before diagnosing me as bipolar 1 about 4 years ago. Unlike you, I was definitely suicidal pretty often and was hospitalized a total of 8 times in the last 5 years, averaging about one week to 10 days per stay.

I too tried to remember what it was like before I got so depressed, but found it was too distant a memory to do much good for me. Fortunately, both my tdoc and pdoc had me well-trained to call them when I felt suicidal and then they would see if I had a plan and intent and if I did, tell me to go to the ER.

But each time I was in, the majority of the people were not there for suicidal ideation and intent; many were there just to have their meds adjusted because they weren't working anymore. Others were there to deal with substance abuse issues that made their MI worse.

Therapy helped me a great deal, as did those hospitalizations and my meds (which kept changing over time as we tried to find the right cocktail - until quite recently when the insurance company put a cap on the amount of Cymbalta I could have each month without paying full retail).

Anyway, I can relate to what you are feeling and to how much pain there is, as well as the helplessness and hopelessness. I have felt much better the past 6 months or so, so I know there is some light, no matter how dim, at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this helps a little bit.


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Thank you Tommy for responding.

It IS helpful to know that someone knows what I'm talking about.

I don't want to be miserable for years of my life anymore by continuing to avoid higher levels of care and barely tolerating surviving.

I am entering a higher level of care with a DBT Program in which I will be in group/class (I don't know the structure yet) once per week and will also meet with the same therapist once a week individually.

In regards to my fear of ending up where I was before, I just remembered that my counselor told me that by being in a higher level care, if I approach that place, the treatment team will know and will be able to take appropriate action and avoid such a deep depression. That sounds great and all and I hope it is true.

As soon as I saw your name I knew I was going to feel better because I know you know what I'm talking about.

I admire you so much for hanging in there. You inspire me. I know how horribly painful it can be to persevere.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

My Best,

Sunshine Outside

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Hi SO. Do you find any relief in being with others or being alone? A walk in the woods, a visit to the local animal shelter, a garden centre, a bus ride, dance class, does anything bring a moment of peace?

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;) Hi!

Sometimes I get a few hours out of the day that I can actually enjoy doing something. Some days.

I do get relief from talking with people some. Pitifully, I sometimes go to the gas station just to have interaction with someone.

I want to venture out socially more but right now I shake a lot all over and people know right away something is wrong with me. My meds need to be adjusted. Silly maybe, but, I don't like it.

I do like to be alone most times. I'm an introvert. I've acted like an extrovert most of my life until the onset of this illness.

I AM forcing myself to do some things that I used to enjoy and do find that I can enjoy now. I used to love to walk in the park and by the river (a couple of miles) but I find myself resisting trying that now. When my head is quiet is when I'm most aware of the pain.

For the umpteenth time, I'm reading "Under Currents" by Martha Manning and enjoying that. It is the first book I've read in three years that is not something on the computer.

I very much enjoy Precious, my dog. There was a time I could not.

I do plan on forcing myself to continue to do enjoyable activities.

Thanks for asking. Reinforcement helps.


Sunshine Outside

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