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I need some help here

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It's time to face the facts that I really have not wanted to face. I've been cycling for a while now. I didn't want to face it, but it's true. I put it off to stress from everything in VA, stress from college, financial stress, this constant pain from my joints, or whatever... But the cold, hard truth is that I've been cycling for a good, long time, and I've just been in denial about it because I didn't want to admit that my meds weren't working. I wanted the Topamax to work. I really wanted the Topamax to work because it has been the only drug in the plethora of drugs that I've tried that *has* worked - and it worked so well. Now it's not working as well, and I'm - angry/sad/upset - about it I suppose. I don't want to hop back on the med-go-round.

Sure, I get moments of clarity (like right now), but that is the nature of the beast. I think that the Topamax has kept me from going into full-blown mania or a deep-dark depression (except in VA when I was *really* stressed and not exactly med compliant). However, I think that it's not as effective as it used to be.

This last week, I've been wrestling with two urges - the urge to pack everything into a bag and move *back* to VA where I know I can find a job (I just know it) and the urge to lay down and give up on it all because really, what have I got to offer the world? So, between hypomania and depression. I'm also getting paranoid that the craziness is going to show up.

I know the signs of acceleration, and my moods are accelerating. And since I'm a stranger in a strange land, I have no one here to turn to if things get really bad. That doesn't help the situation *at all*.

The pdoc at the college comes the first Tuesday of the month, so I've already missed him this month. I do have an appointment for next month. That's only a couple of weeks away. So if I tell him I think the Topamax isn't working, what might he suggest - other than upping the Topa or Seroquel? I guess I'm scared and want to know what to expect - med wise. If the Topamax worked, what else will?

So far, I've taken (with bad results): Depakote, Risperdal, Lamictal, Lithium, Tegretol, Trileptal, and Geodon

I've also taken: Wellbutrin, Prozac, and Cymbalta in conjunction with the mood stabilizers.

Oh yeah, and I take Fish Oil and a multi vitamin when I can afford them. ;)

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Well, summer is coming, that favorite manic time of year. I always have to up my dose of Seroquel around now, then I can reduce it back in the fall. Maybe your Topomax isn't pooping out--it could just be the change of season.

Maybe you can try an increase and see how that works. Lots of people have to change their dose with the seasons.

Best of luck,


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Thanks for the thoughts... I don't think that it has much to do with the change in season, because when I say that I've been cycling for a while, I mean for about a year or so now. I just haven't wanted to admit it. In VA I was under *a lot* of stress and not exactly med compliant (for a lot of reasons), so my fault there, but I tried to stick as well as possible to my med schedule...

My pdoc recently upped my Topamax prescription to 200mg a day, and re-added the Seroquel. I guess I was hoping that since it worked in the past, it would work again. No such luck.

Oh well, my appointment is in two weeks. I guess I will just grin and bear it, and hope the meds keep me from going completely batshit crazy between now and then. If not, I'll see you in Virginia. ;)

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