Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I had a very traumatic experience in the last 3 days! I am going out of my mind. all night all I have been thinking is all the mistakes, all the stupid men I slept with wen I was younger, and before I was married, and all the abuse,all of it flashing towards, me,and now I JUST WANT TO FREAKIN DIE. I just dont know what I am doing anymore. I dont feel I deserve to be here anymore, to have a wonderful daughter, to have an husband, I dont deserve any of it, if they knew who I really was, they would all want me to die too! I am sure of it.

I dont know why I am posting other than, I need someone to push me and tell me that it is all a lie, if not...I am right. and if I am right, then I suck at this thing called life, and living with this depression is eating me inside and out.

I think I need to go in to the er.

I HATE MYSELF ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;)

I'm sorry you feel so so bad.

It sound like the perceived mistakes that you are thinking about is depression talking. Do you know how to do stop thoughts?

If so, does it work for you?

All of us have things in our past but they don't matter anymore because they are in the past. If there are somethings that you want and are able to do to find closure on and lay it to rest, that is one thing.

But, that is something to look at in the future with a therapist after you have gotten effective treatment because the depression is messing with your thoughts and you are vulnerable now. When you can completely forgive yourself, you will feel a lot better.

Right now, your priority is getting help for your illness by professionals and feeling better. Alot better.

Do you need to go to the ER?

In Empathy,

Sunshine Outside

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling like a worthless piece of shit who has fucked up everything in their life from day one? Yup, thats a badass case of clinical acute perhaps psychotic depression. You're brain chemistry is taken you on a rollercoaster with a broken track..........realizing that is a start.

You mentioned meds you had been on. What about now? Do you have a pdoc you trust. If so call immediately, he may actually bring out the big guns like Seroquel to stop the panicking downward spiral.

Hang tough, and keep looking for help , here and for professional help.

If you get to the point of actually planning a suicide, get your butt to a psych ER. If its just a recurrent wish or thought, its safer to be heavily sedated with no jobs or bullshit to show up for. I always found elavil (that old TCA anti-D) to help cause its more of a smack upside the head than the newer SSRI stuff....heavy on the sedation properties and in two weeks or so, the DP from hell breaks...YMMV....

Keep talking. Found out ways to block the constant self flagellation, easier said than done , I know.

If your DP wants to talk to you, you don't have to obey the goddam thing!

any chance of an emergency pdoc session? are you obssessing over ending it or actually planning.

As much as I hate hospitals, they are a good stop gap between me and death on occaison and plenty of medical support in case you react poorly to meds......

Keep us posted.....

peace

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey-- hope you made it through the night okay,

I could not agree more with SO and Dr.F, this is TEMPORARY, this is the depression talking and twisting your thoughts, not the actual truth. I'm sure that you DO deserve to have your wonderful family and I cannot (inamillionyears) imagine that they would agree with your depression's opinion of yourself. they love you.

I also couldn't agree more that an emergency call to the pdoc/tdoc/anyone to get some treatment now, or get your behind to the ER is a really really good idea. It's a good sign that you know that these thoughts might be warped enough to ask us for our outside view on it, and know that you need to ask for help, but please don't let it progress any further and get real, tangible help while you can still see that you need it.

Thinking of you, please stay safe,

meg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I am still alive, after overdosing on pills, and no I did not go into the hospital. My friend in exchange for not ratting me out and dragging me to the hospital, she drugg my semi-conscious ass, to the bedroom, poured me three glasses of milk(if you didnt know milk can sometimes absorb the poison in your digestive system if you have taken poisonous substances or like me have oded). and made me drink them, and then they helped me puke, and I felt better after that. I am still recovering though, and I did go in to my regular doc and he said that my liver is pretty fucked up, and asked why I showed signs of liver damage. but I told him I just have a history of overdosing adn pill popping which is true but I left out the part that I tried to kill myself. also part of the agreement was for me to go in for an emergency appt with my new shrink. I am feeling lower than low, bc I didnt even think of my daughter at the time, and how it would affect her, if I had died. and sunshine to answer your question, no I can not stop the thoughts when I get truly suicidal and start planning, I always act on it, it is pretty much uncontrollable. which is why I should be medicated right now.

btw thank you all for your concern and responses.

I truly do appreciate it, that you were there in my time of need.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there,

I'm glad that you have been prevented from committing suicide (lack of a better term...). I get that "fucked up feeling" -- I call it the "flood of memories" sometimes, which is what gives me an attack of depression and has put me on the verge of suicide before (I had a very specific plan back in 2003, when I was 19, but held onto myself and went into therapy and meds on my own money since my parents were anti-psychiatry).

Also, I'm glad that you have a reason to "keep on going" - i.e., your daughter. I personally have vowed to myself a holy oath that I will not die by my own hand (after I found out that's how my mother's father died -- the last thing Mom needs is both a suicided son and a suicided father, the last thing Grandma needs is a suicided husband and a suicided grandson, etc. etc.). I'm fairly sure the last thing your daughter needs is a suicided you, and I'm incredibly sure that the last thing you need is a suicided you!

Personally, I generally feel that death is like California... they're both highly overrated.

And please do keep/make your appointment with the pdoc. You're willing to go on/fix/change your meds, and that's a good thing... you're obviously moving in the right direction!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi tired.

herrfous wrote:

Personally, I generally feel that death is like California... they're both highly overrated.

this made me laugh. thank you!!!

tired - im glad you are still alive. please take care of yourself. you certainly do deserve to have a husband and a beautiful baby!! regardless of your past. its NOW and you deserve these people.

love,

db

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friend in exchange for not ratting me out and dragging me to the hospital, she drug my semi-conscious ass, to the bedroom, poured me three glasses of milk(if you didnt know milk can sometimes absorb the poison in your digestive system if you have taken poisonous substances or like me have oded). and made me drink them, and then they helped me puke

For you to have a friend like that, it can only be because you are NOT the loathsome tool that you've been telling yourself you are.

I am feeling lower than low, bc I didnt even think of my daughter at the time, and how it would affect her, if I had died.

That was definitely the depression in the driver's seat. I can't think of a decent way to help you prevent it happening again myself, so I do hope you see your doctor soonest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you haven't talked to your pdoc yet, I hope you will asap. A suicide attempt is a pretty serious sign that maybe you should be in a hospital being taken care of and being relieved of everyday responsibilities. Try to shut out that loud evil voice of depression that is telling you these terrible untruths. You can be helped. I think that your attempt should be taken seriously, as in "oh shit, i need some intense professional help,like, now". The world is better with you in it. Depression is something I've dealt with most of my life and it does get better. But it is important to pay close attention to yourself. I guess self-monitoring is the word. I self-monitor contstantly since being inpatient almost a year ago. I call my pdoc when i feel myself spiraling and and see what she has to say or do about it. I don't try to go it alone. Noone can really. Even though you feel so alone. There are many people in the world who sincerely want to help you get better. And be there for you until you do. Including your family and friends. I hate to say this, and i truly hope it is not damaging to you to here this, but your friend did you a disservice. Besides saving your life. That part was good. But you don't have to have this deep dark secret and have your friend cover for something so serious. Keep posting and let us know how you are? melissa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I think about death, I usually just go to sleep. How is it really that different? It interrupts that horrible though process, and it temporarily takes away the suffering. Sleeping 12 hours a day may not be the most healthy thing on earth, but hey, neither is suicide.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Well I am still alive, after overdosing on pills, and no I did not go into the hospital. My friend in exchange for not ratting me out and dragging me to the hospital, she drugg my semi-conscious ass, to the bedroom, poured me three glasses of milk(if you didnt know milk can sometimes absorb the poison in your digestive system if you have taken poisonous substances or like me have oded). and made me drink them, and then they helped me puke, and I felt better after that. I am still recovering though, and I did go in to my regular doc and he said that my liver is pretty fucked up, and asked why I showed signs of liver damage. but I told him I just have a history of overdosing adn pill popping which is true but I left out the part that I tried to kill myself. also part of the agreement was for me to go in for an emergency appt with my new shrink. I am feeling lower than low, bc I didnt even think of my daughter at the time, and how it would affect her, if I had died. and sunshine to answer your question, no I can not stop the thoughts when I get truly suicidal and start planning, I always act on it, it is pretty much uncontrollable. which is why I should be medicated right now.

btw thank you all for your concern and responses.

I truly do appreciate it, that you were there in my time of need.

Sorry to hear that you're doing so poorly these days,I've been away from the forums for a while so it seems I've missed a lot around here.

You really should've gone to the ER when you OD'ed(I've been through it myself & it's not a pleasant experience believe me) & you should notify your tdoc & pdoc as well about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...