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I Think The Reason I Always Wanted To Kill Myself Is Because I Hurt Like Hell And Wanted To Get Rid Of The Monster I Had Become I Just Felt Like Nothing Was Real Anymore Any Love I Recived Faded Faster Than Takeing A New Breath Of Fresh Air I Was Like Theres No Point anymore, Whats Your Explination?

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I Think The Reason I Always Wanted To Kill Myself Is Because I Hurt Like Hell And Wanted To Get Rid Of The Monster I Had Become I Just Felt Like Nothing Was Real Anymore Any Love I Recived Faded Faster Than Takeing A New Breath Of Fresh Air I Was Like Theres No Point anymore, Whats Your Explination?

I hear that. It's a personal thing for me, a permanent pain med and in principle I reserve the right to use it if I feel it's necessary.

OTOH, I'm modifying that to include Dr. Phelp's observation that when I'm sitting on the edge of the vortex down that side, dead-ended alley, swinging my feet back and forth over the brink of it, I'm really here doing that because my genetic adaptation for survival (hunker down, lay low, conserve calories, remain hidden, slow everything down to minimal) is just overdoing it at the moment; too much of a good thing.

Then there is my late teacher, Furuya Sensei, who badgered me to no end to understand this concept: "Be humble, be gentle. Care for others and put everyone before yourself. To study martial arts is to study yourself - your true self." Even though sliding off the brink into the vortex is my personal ultimate pain med, there are others around me who depend upon me. I can't be fully myself without putting those people, their needs before mine. I once asked him about seppuku and he replied, "A great Zen master once said: 'To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to understand all things.'" Then after the awkward silence, Furuya Sensei said, "I hear it's quite a mess, then all your juniors will have to clean up. Like you need to do right now over there," handing me the rag bucket, pointing to the mat.

A cop-out perhaps, but that's as explinatory as I can git for myself.

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I Think The Reason I Always Wanted To Kill Myself Is Because I Hurt Like Hell And Wanted To Get Rid Of The Monster I Had Become I Just Felt Like Nothing Was Real Anymore Any Love I Recived Faded Faster Than Takeing A New Breath Of Fresh Air I Was Like Theres No Point anymore, Whats Your Explination?

Yes... all that.... but after many many years of recurrent suicidal thoughts I came to this conclusion...

"My brain is trying to kill me again" ... damn brain. I hate it when it does that.

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I Think The Reason I Always Wanted To Kill Myself Is Because I Hurt Like Hell And Wanted To Get Rid Of The Monster I Had Become I Just Felt Like Nothing Was Real Anymore Any Love I Recived Faded Faster Than Takeing A New Breath Of Fresh Air I Was Like Theres No Point anymore, Whats Your Explination?

Yes... all that.... but after many many years of recurrent suicidal thoughts I came to this conclusion...

"My brain is trying to kill me again" ... damn brain. I hate it when it does that.

!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD EXPLINATION!! ;)
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