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i cannot cry, i cannot do anything, just pretend everything's ok.

i posted in my blog an entry about last year, when i had set my date of death for St. Patrick's day and how i made it thru until i was able to "celebrate" 1 yr and 2 months of "overtime" and the stuff that i did in this time. So i decided to set another date for this year, just in case. The purpose of the new date is to wait until that day to decide whether i su or not, especially if the urge takes place in the meantime.

So a friend yelled at me, and maybe he's right, i shouldn't be thinking of stuff like that when i've come "this far" and i've "accomplished" all that stuff. But the truth is ;)

i think all i've done is worthless and i'd be better off dead. i regret i didn't kill myself when i had all the means to do it. *this is when i pull my hair trying to hold the tears* i should've done it when i had the chance. now it's all gonna be like this, wondering why i didn't and when i will be able to at least try. And there's something that makes me feel like total shit : i made my friends feel uncomfortable with my comments, i didn't mean to, i just wanted to share what was on my mind with someone who might understand. I don't want them to be worried about me. I don't know what to do :):)^_^

i wish i still had my tools so i could at least relieve this pain. there's people in the house, i cannot do anything. i want to cut so badly, or OD, anything to stop feeling this pain.

i don't want my mom to know because she's gonna call the doctor and he's gonna tell her "give her more sertraline" and that would be the end of the issue but the shit will remain inside. i want to cry and destroy, no more pills.

i'm sorry for this rant, and i'm also sorry if i don't read or respond to your posts, i'm in a terrible state of mind and everything i might say will be worthless.

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Sweetie - I don't know how old you are, but if your doctor will REALLY just increase your meds, I can understand why you are so upset. But maybe he WON'T do that.

If you are underage, it's hard to go get your own counselling. TELL YOUR MOM and tell her you want counselling, not just more drugs.

This is your life - and I have been where you are, can't do anything but writhe in my own head...

If you just CAN'T tell your mom, is there a teacher at school, a counsellor - any other adult you feel okay telling this to? If you die your mom will never get over "Why didn't she tell me?"

For yourself and for your mom - TELL HER. And tell her the drugs DON'T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

HUGS and please keep us posted!

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i'm 23 so i'm pretty much resposible of myself and my treatment.

i will try to wait as much as i can, at least for today. sometimes the pain/ideation goes away just by sleeping. but i don't know. i still want to cry.

thanks for replying. it's good to know you're being heard.

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Do you have a pdoc? A doc who really knows about this stuff?

I thought you were younger because you were worried about what your mom would do.

You can do that for yourself...get a pdoc, or even go to emergency and tell them what you said in the first post of yours....heck, even print it out and show them!

You deserve the correct help, you do...don't settle for less, k?

hugs!

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thanks Arlie, things are much better now.

i decided i had no alternative and talked to my mom about my thoughts (she's very involved with my bp, she can be a lil bit too controlling sometimes, i'm an only child hehe) so we went to see my pdoc and he increased my risperdal and things went back to normal. he prescribed more sleeping (yay!) and he said we should call him right away if i noticed something weird going on.

;)

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I'm really concerned about you hun.

I was on Sertraline and it made me feel out of control and suicidal, so I came off the Sertraline and went on to Prozac.

I'm not saying it is the Sertraline doing this to you but it would not surprise me. I know not all meds suit all people but you can't go on feeling like this, it's too much.

Would you consider tweaking or completely changing your AD, would that be possible?

Take care lovely,

SW

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hey SW... no worries about sertraline.... a couple of days ago i had a breakdown and sertraline helped me make it thru, along with the other bunch of pills of course... thanks for your concern, hun...

i don't know what happened, all of sudden i was just too sad, i wanted to cry but i was in french class, i thought i'd cry while driving on my way home but tears won't come out... as soon as i got home i called my pdoc and he increased my sertraline for a couple of days... later i was crying so badly that both mom and dad had to hold me in order to keep me still because i wanted to destroy the place -i got especially angry when my mom almost obligates me to drink an apple yoghurt, since then i feel disgusted with drinkable yoghurt- and then the storm passed.

WTF?!?!?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went through the same thing. I wanted to cry but nothing would come out. I just wrote everything down, all the anger and everything I felt at that time and eventually, the tears started flowing. Maybe that could help you the next time you feel like crying but can't ;)

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