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Things aren't good


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The external problems in my life have been getting better, but I am not well at all. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I am drained. My body is still going through the motions, attempting to pass for normal. It seems I am losing my mind, on edge, nervous, can't think straight and I am the one who has to take care of my family- making decisions is becoming agonizing. Trying to decide or plan anything is freaking me out. My pdoc said mixed episode and has added lithium. I fear going out in public, as I had a very bad experience last night over something trivial. I am missing my sons t-ball game and I feel like shit for that. I even told dh the wrong time for the game- I can't even read shit right! Dh noticed that my eyes were getting crazy and I know that's never a good sign.

I am hoping to be well enough to reorganize the house but I think about it and want to slam my head against a wall. My dh says "Well then, don't think about it. Don't worry so much, everything is fine." It makes me feel so bad for being this way. Everything IS fine, it's just me who's fucked up! Honestly, my family deserves a functioning mother, and I am failing at even the most basic tasks and dh is in pain from his disability and has to cover my slack. I fucking hate this! I hate myself!

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Oh yeah, the good ole mixed state........hell and a half......here's hoping it passes quickly. Dunno what to say about how bad it is right now, cept that most of us BPers know exactly what you're talking about. Do yourself a favor and make sure you recognize the victory in every shitty, senseless task you have to take care of , and being in one piece at the end of the day,a gold medal.....seriously.

This too shall pass. Really. And if you know 'the only way out is through?' Blast the Nine Inch Nails when everyones out ......and commiserate at 120 decibels....it may not work , but its the closest thing to fun sometimes.....

peace

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Hey Scatty. I know just how you feel. When I am in a mixed state, it usually doesn't last too long. Maybe several days. I hope yours is over soon. It is the worst. Now is not the time to even contemplate reorganizing your house imho. You are really lucky that you have a supportive spouse. And I have disappointed my kids more times than I can stomach, but i make up for it and they know i love them to death. Take some time for just you. Do something soothing, like taking a bath with lavender scent. I use lavender scented everything in hopes that it really does calm you down. At least it smells good. I don't know what else to say except i know what it feels like and it does get better. Wishing you a lavender scented day.

p.s. if i spelled lavender wrong, i'm sorry. i can't remember how to spell sometimes.

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Hi Scatty. As Dr. Faustus said, I know exactly how you feel. I also get into mixed states. and even trying to accomplish a couple of things during the day overwhelms me. and banging your head on the wall because the house needs to be organized? I know that feeling too, lol. My house is so disorganized, I have so much to do that I don't know where to begin and I start feeling overwhelmed all over again. and DB is right. when you feel like that, it is not the right time to try to organize.

and Bridgett, Lavender is a very beautiful smell. I had a lavender oil bath cake and i loved it. I have to get some more of that.

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Scatty, sorry I'm late to reply, but I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better! I do know the frustration of having a spouse say "don't worry about it", when all I can do is obsess on what I can't do. Good to hear the walls are safe now!

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