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what do you do when there's nothing you enjoy?


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so right now i'm stuck in this depressed place where i am reallllllllllllly tired. so tired that all i want to do is stay in a horizontal position no matter if i'm awake or asleep. it's being addressed, it's just gonna take time for the meds to do their job.

besides a minimum of cooking and housework, i just sit here at the computer, trying to pass the time, one hour at a time. i am very mentally sluggish right now. and NOTHING is fun anymore. i only enjoy a few games and they're no fun, in ten minutes i am bored and turn it off. i can always find something online to read (i mean is it possible to run out of things?), but nothing says "oo read me" today. then i try to read stuff like here and forget what i read in five minutes anyway unless i respond to it, then i might remember the topic until tomorrow. television doesn't hold my attention for long enough to keep me from drifting off in mid-plot.

i HAVE to find something to occupy my mind, because the depressive thoughts are pulling me in further and further the more time i have to sit around here and do nothing. i mean they're getting so that they're throwing out worst case scenarios about things i've never dreamed up in my life, even when my daughter was little and danger was everywhere. i don't just panic over the scenarios - i can't find the energy to get physically anxious other than to forget to breathe. i cry over them like they really just happened and it's the most intense grief (for something that isn't real). i dream them asleep and i dream them up when i'm awake. i HAVE TO STOP THIS.

can anybody think of anytime they've been here, and what they did that helped? i mean i keep telling myself it is okay that i am not well right now, i can take all the time i need to get back on my feet, that these thoughts are not at all relevant and merely a byproduct of an illness... but i am still crying anyway, logical as i try to be.

how long can someone lay there and stare at the ceiling before they never come back again? i feel like i'm losing my mind just from that alone.

well that was tiring. i'm serious. anybody relate?

i hope i remember i posted this.

- rita

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so what's your ceiling look like, technogiggle?

mine's white stucco. i hate it. my apartment was renovated in the seventies. i still have the bright red carpet too.

i've been looking at my ceiling and the back of my eyelids most of the day again.

i'm trying to stay upright and in this chair for an entire hour. by posting until i make my own self sick of me.

- rita

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rita,

was there a period of time during which your mind was not working against you? understood that severe depression makes us close to incapable of taking an objective look at the past.

my mind got repaired by tossing meds rather than taking more.

"can anybody think of anytime they've been here, and what they did that helped?"-- yes, yes, yes i have been there. for six mos. i never left there. what kept me going was chasing after pdocs because i knew that there was some reason my mind was broke and that someone had the chops to fix it.

top knotch guy did it by eliminating meds. what ever recreational chems that we ingest can and often do jack us up. have friend in nearby town that smokes rope like it was going outta style - after years of being tolerated and liked, it kicked her ass into the rabbit hole of depression. have others that do as much and as for as long but still their carcasses tolerate it in conjunction with other chems that they take.

am begining to believe that alchohol, for all it's side effects, is a safer intoxicant than psycho active veggies and certrainly safer than what the pill rollers push.

hate it when i read of some of us struggling with moon bat illness. makes me so damn glad that i found a p-doc that broke the bank but fixed what should have been obvious to me.

hang on and i humbly suggest that you consider that less is often better for our rattly minds.

whacked in oregon

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thanks murph.

this time, i'm flat on my ass because my thyroid tanked out on me. had the bloodwork, got the new script with the better dose... now just gotta wait for it to work. takes waaay too long. but hormonal changes apparently have to be done slowly. so this is something i'd have to mess with whether i was crazy or not - the thyroid thing is a physical problem that pulls the rug out of me in the mental and physical departments, is all.

i do agree with you about the chasing the pdocs when things are not right and you KNOW it. i was so relieved to find out it was indeed a physical problem exacerbating teh crazy... because i too did not want any more psych meds, please lordy please knock on wood will i ever have to do that again.

so for now it's a matter of what to do with myself while i am in this state... knowing that it's going to persist awhile. i'm whipping out all the therapy tools i've got and using them all (well almost....). but when you can't get your ass off the fucking couch, it's hard not to let the brain go down that sewer, you know?

maybe what i really need is advice on how to get some speed or something :) . then i'd have the energy to do the shit that would help me feel better like exercise and fresh air. and maybe one or two things in life will be fun again, to boot ;) .

you're right that there has been a time in my life i didn't feel like this, and i will again. thanks!

- rita

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so what's your ceiling look like, technogiggle?

mine's white stucco. i hate it. my apartment was renovated in the seventies. i still have the bright red carpet too.

i've been looking at my ceiling and the back of my eyelids most of the day again.

i'm trying to stay upright and in this chair for an entire hour. by posting until i make my own self sick of me.

- rita

the lights in my room are dark, so I can tell you about how the green light from my bedside clock plays on the wall, how the light from my computer in the living room glows enough that I can see the cat silhouetted when she walks out.

i can say that my eyelids are mostly light proof.

I can say that my cat prefers me to be asleep when she sits atop my shoulder.

...

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maybe what i really need is advice on how to get some speed or something ;) . then i'd have the energy to do the shit that would help me feel better like exercise and fresh air. and maybe one or two things in life will be fun again, to boot

Sorry, but speed won't help with hypothyroid - if you want to redline the engine on the highway you'd better have clean sparkplugs and working fuel injectors.

Since you're on the couch anyway, and don't have high expectations for enjoyment, try reading some of the classy literature you never got around to reading (because it was not going to be on the test) There are even decent MI-related popular books - Lois McMaster Bujold's Barrayar series has some seriously mentally interesting folks in it.

Poor A/C's been doing a number on my energy/motivation levels, but I can still zone out on a computer while planning my next unsuccessful project. How that's different from any other phase or mood in my life, I'm not entirely sure anymore, but there ya go.

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Sorry, but speed won't help with hypothyroid - if you want to redline the engine on the highway you'd better have clean sparkplugs and working fuel injectors.

damn. you mean i'd end up building tin foil hats instead of writing resumes?

Since you're on the couch anyway, and don't have high expectations for enjoyment, try reading some of the classy literature you never got around to reading (because it was not going to be on the test) There are even decent MI-related popular books - Lois McMaster Bujold's Barrayar series has some seriously mentally interesting folks in it.

not a bad idea. let's see if i can remember anything i read over the next few days. i have so many spiritual/religious type books around here that i've been meaning to read because i know nothing about them (this is what happens when you're multiple, you end up with collections of very strange and unrelated objects... kinda like being BP i suppose).

Poor A/C's been doing a number on my energy/motivation levels, but I can still zone out on a computer while planning my next unsuccessful project. How that's different from any other phase or mood in my life, I'm not entirely sure anymore, but there ya go.

heh. i guess the difference is whether anything else even seems remotely appealing. being motivated enough to go do it/get it/seek it is another story. but at least there's something you wanna do besides zone out. is that the difference?

- rita

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Sorry, but speed won't help with hypothyroid - if you want to redline the engine on the highway you'd better have clean sparkplugs and working fuel injectors.

damn. you mean i'd end up building tin foil hats instead of writing resumes?

At least it would be entertaining!

No, there's a good chance you'd burn up what energy reserves you could still access and crash *hard*. Then you would really be feeling miserable.

heh. i guess the difference is whether anything else even seems remotely appealing. being motivated enough to go do it/get it/seek it is another story. but at least there's something you wanna do besides zone out. is that the difference?

- rita

To be honest about it, not much seems appealing. It's just that there's too much that needs doing and not enough me, emotionally or physically, to do it. For now, I'll settle for fixing my immediate environment.

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To be honest about it, not much seems appealing. It's just that there's too much that needs doing and not enough me, emotionally or physically, to do it. For now, I'll settle for fixing my immediate environment.

yeah, that sounds about right. what do you do when you "fix your immediate environment"? i dunno what that means. like just doing basic personal daily living stuff?

- rita

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Lois McMaster Bujold's Barrayar series has some seriously mentally interesting folks in it.

;) second vote for this one (my favourite fiction author)

of course you may have the problem that I currently have (completely unable to focus/concentrate enough to read books - for the last 7 months :) )

umm... music? I'm thinking something other than Nine Inch Nails here... do you have some classical or something easy to listen to that you like... preferably the uh (oh god my brain won't work here) stuff without lyrics? Sometimes this helps me, the more upbeat the better (though techno is not helpful I find)... and it doesn't require too much energy to listen to it.

My last pdoc was keen on that too (he was a composer as well as being a pdoc though, so he was biased)

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To be honest about it, not much seems appealing. It's just that there's too much that needs doing and not enough me, emotionally or physically, to do it. For now, I'll settle for fixing my immediate environment.

yeah, that sounds about right. what do you do when you "fix your immediate environment"? i dunno what that means. like just doing basic personal daily living stuff?

- rita

Literally what I meant - I'm finally having a replacement A/C installed after putting it off for months. It's been hitting 90F inside, and this morning the carpet was still warm to the touch. (The place has to be locked down during the day, and home invasion is a local pastime at night, so leaving the windows open all the time isn't an option)

The clutter (can't store anything long outside or in the utility room - people will tear a door apart to get inside) is getting to be a major downer as well.

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Apathy. I have a new bed in my living room but don't care to move it to my bedroom so, I am still sleeping on a very thin mattress on the floor.

A few things help me some. At some point in the day I usually get a small amount of motivation. Sometimes, as a goal, I will do twenty seven (the number comes from flylady.com) things that make me feel better. It can be any small thing and usually includes some hygiene care.

Sometimes I pick up twenty seven items of trash around the whole house and put it in the trash. It can make a difference. Something about the goal helps. I do clothes the same way.

Sometimes, I can only do five things at a time. But I never beat myself up anymore if I don't get anything done. I finally figured out that is just adding insult to injury.

We'll all muddle through this stuff as best as we can and fuck the people who don't understand.

I'm sorry, I promise, I seem to be in a really bad mood lately. I'll try to do better.

Sunshine Outside

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You woke "Grouse Mouse". It must be serious!

(GM, you're missed. I hope your absence has been positive - but somehow I have my doubts!)

Rita - I know this is no answer - and doesn't help - but this is a recent excerpt from the notes I make (sometimes)

""All that I am has gone into 'covering up'. It's who I am. If I chip that (cover) away then all I have is just more emptiness. But the alternative is the constant awareness of that 'covering up' and all the stuff above (prior notes about 'issues') - and I wasn't living with that, either. SO, I cross my fingers and keep chipping. Either I get better = or worse. Either way sometimes seems a better situation than now!"

I know that doesn't help clear things out, but I do 'hear' you.

You gots more buggy stuff to deal with than I do - but in the depths I don't always see it.

Sorry for the late post.

Hope you find a way out.

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i have recently began tinkering w/ my flight simulator and my bass guitar. these are things i have not touched in about a year +.

i don't know if i'd say i enjoy them as much as they pacify or soothe me. they are also ways to make the insufferable time pass.

___________

i was recently asked about my personal experience with atypical depression. here is an excerpt from my reply. me thought it only slightly relevant to this thread. forgive me if i'm wrong

---------

"...atypical is something I stumbled upon only over the last years.

"...The DSM-IV-TR... defines Atypical Depression as a subtype of depression or dysthymia, characterized by Atypical Features..."

here's my checklist:

"...A. Mood reactivity (i.e., mood brightens in response to actual or potential positive events)..."

if I have a good thing happen to me I brighten. If an attractive woman gives me the time of day I brighten. a couple of weeks ago I played in a tribute to fellow musicians who have passed on. I buzzed for almost a week.

That said, i have a true external locus of control. a bad email will make me want to crawl under my sheets forever, even if it is something minor. ANY minor advance will make me bounce around as if on air.

so even though my baseline is a few clicks above catatonia i can be roused.

"...B. At least two of the following:

Significant weight gain or increase in appetite ("comfort eating")..."

i have a history of, when faced with my poor financial outlook, I seek a fast food joint, order way too much, take it home and devour it so I don't feel so poor that I cant feed myself. of course i feel sick after, heartburn, indigestion, etc. but eating reminds me that I can at least feed myself.

"...Hypersomnia (sleeping too much, as opposed to the insomnia present in melancholic depression)..."

left to myself I will sleep 18 hours a day. I will then stay awake for 20, then sleep again. basically the Earth spins too quickly. I would be better suited for a 38 hour day.

ANYTIME is a good time for a nap. I'm wrongly convinced that I can 'bank' sleep. I will sometimes sleep when I see my work week ahead involves getting up @ 3:30 AM to be at work by 5. the fear of not getting enough sleep will prompt me to sleep whenever possible.

other times, when something bad happens, like a power bill comes in WAY too high, or I get a mildly negative email, I will sleep it off. I wake a couple of hours later and the sting does not feel as bad.

"...Leaden paralysis (i.e., heavy, leaden feelings in arms or legs)..."

i'm 43 and i feel like i'm 80. the ONLY thing that has helped me it delta-9 THC. but they drug test @ work so I can't use cannabis.

I LOVE jogging with my iPod after smoking a bowl. I feel like i'm living, moving about the surface of the earth, working my body, making it stronger. as I run I move past fragrant patches of atmosphere; cut grass, bushes, even the sweet smell of anti-freeze. I feel like I am participating in life, not a victim of it.

"...Long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment..."

never been married, not even close, broken dates send me to bed for HOURS.

I used to mix sitcoms but a few bad episodes and my confidence fell through the floor. I tried my best to remain positive but I'm sure it showed. my work got worse, and the feedback cycle drove me out of the industry after 9 years.

"...C. Criteria are not met for Melancholic Depression or Catatonic Depression during the same episode..."

I don't think I have any of these.

I think the big puzzler for my friends who have no idea i struggle with this is that i can be so upbeat in social situations, like a good party. i'm good at scrabble and trivial pursuit, so when invited over I tend to rock like a hurricane. when I'm on fire I shine.

then I go home to my cat, crawl under the sheets, and sleep for 14+ hours..."

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probably not very helpful, but i would, clean myself (shower, shave, etc) and then sedate myself till next pdoc appt.

If you have then energy, meeting with friends tend to help.

It's not so bad if you have no interest but no impending deadlines...

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Raining -

Maybe I'm just seeing myself, but I'm not sure I agree with your last line.

Impending deadlines can sometimes (briefly?) pull you out of yourself. Though you can slip right back afterwards.)

But having no interest with no impending deadline can just grow on you. You're AWARE of having no interest. It stares you in the face whenever you see something that you know SHOULD be interesting or everything that causes a 'twinge' of interest and then dies.

You see those things and you see yourself not caring and the hole your in just seems to grow bigger and bigger.

Having 'no interest' is not benign!

(and I don't mean this as a negative response to your post. Just a different perspective.)

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