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What's Wrong with Me? Help!


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Hey, there. Haven't been here in awhile. Hello Sunshine! I was wondering if you all could help me figure out what's going on inside my head...

So, as briefly as possible, diagnosed BP1, deal mostly wih depression. I was also an alcohol addict - has been almost a year since stopping. Recently, I've admitted that I was probably sexually abused as a child (or something, at least, was awry). Marriage has gone under great strains sice I've been "stable" figuring out new roles, etc. I'm trying to become a writer and going back for masters and am feeling the stress of time. Also, have had minor health issues.

So, there's a lot of stress. I think what's happening is I'm getting further away from the addiction and am starting to reopen myself to the manic depression if that makes sense. For a very short while, I questioned if I WAS BP, but there's too much evidence. Even if I'm not BP, I'm, at the very least, f-ing insane.

Basically, the last couple of days I've felt like the insanity is seeping in again. I'm crawling out of my skin. I feel like I could break at any moment

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Whoa, sounds like your approaching the zone........but what zone I'm not quite sure. To me mixed states often produce ' a state' after whether a down or upspike is unpredictable.....some of what you say sounds manic/pyschotic (tho way more manic; cept for possible auditory hallucination, which sounds mild at the moment......If you think the seropuel is slowing all this down, then run with that.

I found benzos useful for such times as well........

And naturally, try a med tweak when you got a couple of days off, to see how it hits before being back at work....

good luck,

mahalo

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You know its usually easier to clinically dx yourself than it is to sit with the emotions, see if you can slow the chatter, chill. Often after letting off steam.

Depersonalization, pyschosis, dissociation..........imo, they interweave and no amount of logical analysis will tie all the loose ends......

Unless you're an existentialist author about 40 years too late ....... ;)

You see to be you watching yourself....try and just BE yourself, whether easy or hard, emotional or numb......check in with yourself, rather than stand aside and look at a list of symptoms......

Does that make sense?

peace

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I think we are living parallel lives. I want my head space free and my surroundings clutterless. I feel trapped by thoughts, by sounds, by one thing over another and am mostly repulsed and overwhelmed by them all.

I have much the same dx as you, add EDs and hx of spinal surgery. I've been sober 4 years. I've been abstinent from bulimia 1.5 years (and it's killing me).

I cry while driving - can't keep thoughts. I obsess. I have no real energy though.

I want to zone - a good high, though. I can't handle dipping any lower - the things that keep me going are visions of being contained even more by ending up in the psych ward again.

I just violently screamed at my SO, he wants to help, but fucking pisses me off. I want to claw his fucking eyes out right now. I finally got the motivation to finish organizing my closet - I bought these "Huggale Hangers" (reduces wasted space) and of course, he's questioning the selling point of the hanger - not that I'm moving and doing as a positive thing.

Do you ever want to go home? Meaning the "safe place" that is inside your head and in your house that lets you rest? I keep trying to create that space in this little room in my house, over and over again. And then it's ruined, for some reason or another.

So, I understand finding yourself, or oneself and dealing with our complexities. I thought to mention that there is a "phenomenon" that occurs about a year or so into sobriety where you feel sort of like a flashback relapse - kind of like that confusion and out of sorts/control feeling after detox. Ask others you know if you're in AA or the like.

Ok.

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LOL Love that sigline, re: crazy boards side effects. The last point is also something to consider. Keeping ones addiction dry or undrugged (whatever the addiction) is different than being sober. May stop drinking/drugging and then live an extended dry drunk, cause outside of teetotaling, nothing else has changed.

Folks in the AA camp call that first year, 'mocus' don't know if its got a real spelling or not.......a word implying the fogginess remaining after detoxing. If you are suffering from a dual problem, such as BP and alcoholism? The alcoholism is playing its role in your uncomfortability....maybe look closer at that. At least before sobriety we had an escape button. It never really worked right, but we only wanted it to work for the moment anyway........even if the moment became three days........meh........

Hope things stabilize for ya,

Keep Talking

peace

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Thanks guys, but this isn't sobriety related. I'm definitely not living an extended dry drunk - my life has changed tremendously since stopping. These are things that have bothered me forever - I think they're just coming to the forefront again because I am not as concentrated on the addiction. So, no, this is not an addiction thing for me.

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Glad you have the clarity to look thru all these issues. Seriously.

So its the goddam bipolar thats given you the brainstorms etc.........so - tho its never permanent - doin all you can to slow down the racing thoughts, consciencous use of meds and other 'recovery' ideas are things you may wanna focus on. If you think you might be going insane again? You are presently lucid enough to suspect it and act upon it before it acts upon you?

peace

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I do start to find hidden meaning in things; it seems as if the leaf that just fell on my leg has far more importance than it really does.

i can very well relate with that. it's a never-ending wave of thoughts, one right after the other. i'm always talking to myself inside my head. wondering about stuff no one ever thinks about. but everything inside my head.

Intrusive perverse thoughts. Can't put the thoughts together.

always thinking something horrible is going to happen. always thinking of harming someone, or even better, myself. thinking of violent actions : murder, rape, torture, either for me or me doing it to others.

No one could've put it in words better than you did. Believe me, for what is worth, you're not alone.

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