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Severe long term depression


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At first,

Everyone tried to help

I didn't get much better

People were perplexed

They loved me

and it hurt them

I tried to explain...

I spoke

a different language

Handfuls of medications

lessened my credibility.

They wondered

how someone like me

could be so misguided.

As everything slipped

Away

They thought "what a pity"

As talk

Of ECT's came up,

They thought

"Man, she must really

Be crazy!"

They didn't understand

that the ECT's were nothing

Compared to the pain of

This ILLNESS

By this time

Everyone had left

Distance further created

By my pain

And

Desire to isolate rather than

Be so misunderstood

I gave up

They simply didn't know

What

They didn't know

So

They tried to figure it out

For themselves

I Just wasn't trying hard enough

I was Just trying to get attention

When I hurt bad enough

I would seek Just the "Right"

Kind of help

If I would Just go to church

If I would Just look at what

I was putting my

Boys' through

If I would Just do things for myself

Instead

of reaching out for help

If I would Just stop

Seeing Psychiatrists

If I would Just quit being selfish

and help someone else

If I would Just, Just, Just

People repulsed

by the SYMPTOMS of depression

Pain

Crying

Helplessness

No joy

Fear.

I understand

I've experienced my mother

through their eyes

I am the same person on the inside

That I've always been

But

They only appear to see the outside

There does not seem to be an answer.

I miss them terribly.

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This is a heartbreaking description of what it's like to be sick and alone. Here are the parts that most spoke to me.

...Distance further

increased by my pain and

inability to reach out and try

to communicate anymore.

...I wasn't trying hard enough.

I was trying to get attention.

When I hurt bad enough, I

would get the right kind of

help. (sidenote by SG - this is so the truth.)

If I would just go to

church.

...People repulsed

by the symptoms of depression. (Sidenote b - I've definitely experienced this)

The pain. The helplessness. The lack

of joy. The fear.

...I am the same person

on the inside that I've always been.

But, all they can see is the outside.

There does not seem to be an answer.

I miss them terribly.

People just leave. Too much shit to deal with when they are already dealing with their own. We are difficult to others who don't get it, who don't understand what it is like to be constantly fighting a battle in your own mind.

That's why I come here. People who understand are priceless.

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People who understand are priceless.

you are so right.

SO i'm sorry ;)

you're right, they don't understand. i don't know what to do about that except keep looking. i just lost my best and last real friend because i'm too crazy to "get over" something. now i'm waiting for something terrible to the two people in my home, cause one of them has to leave me at some point (my kid) and the other one i'll probably leave someday cause it hurts too much not to be understood every day... it's lonlier this way than being alone sometimes.

i feel your pain so much. i wish we could all see each other when we needed.

- rita

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Damn...I'm still a bit blown away by that ..... poem, description.....at least you can say all that and get it all out here...but back in the non-virtual world, the bullshit and ignorance continues.....

You'll pull thru this, if you are currently DPed, its just that DP won't let you talk for a moment.

Sunshine outside......good name.

Dya think it might be a med tweak time?

peace

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i can sooo relate to your poem. i have fought my way back from serious depression. two weeks ago i had to put my dog to sleep. she was my soul-mate. people even sometimes people who have suffered with depression can sometimes back away from your grief. my closest friend has been avoiding me since i told her about my dog. it hurts so much--the loss of my dog and my friend staying away. i talked to her tonight and she apologised but it did not feel right. she ended the conversation by saying that we have both let each other down. so is it because she is holding a resentment from something when i was depressed and this is how it has manifested? i just wish she could have been a support to me now and then after the worst of it brought up what was bothering her. i feel like i have been kicked when i was down. it is a real low point for me. ;)

i'm sorry. that's really awful :)

- rita

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Hi Sunshine! Sorry I haven't gotten to your thread. I've been kind of avoiding reading posts about depression, because I am on the brink. I would say I know how you feel, but I'm not sure. I have had long periods of no depression. I can't imagine what you must go through. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. I care and I sort of understand. Hoping you will feel a little better today. Oh, and you are such a good writer. Have you ever tried journeling? Love, Melissa

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Guest david

Hi

Us oldtimer/longtimer bp people sure hear you. I am sorry you are feeling it so much right now.

It all sounds so familiar, it is so sad... 30+ years on this merry go round and I know of what

you speak..

If we only did x y or z , yep, there are so many others with all the answers, and we loose

so many relationships to this damn illness..

It is such a cruel illness and so misunderstood, I hear how advances and acceptance is so

much better now.. OK, where is that, I would like to move there.... you , I think , know

what I am talking about..

You have my best wishes that it hurts less, and you don't feel as lonely and isolated, these

things I wish for us all.. especially the longtimers..

try not to let the actions of others diminish how you feel for yourself..

david

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