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I want to kill myself but I don't want to die.( Same old story just like everyone else )


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I want to kill myself but I don't want to die. does that even make any sense? I doubt people gonna reply to this post either.

I am tired and exhausted. I am tired of crying all the time, and I read all these inspirational books and listen to Oparh, I want to have peace of mind and get back my inner self. but somehow, the inner peace often just go away like that

I am not even rich to go see a therapist and I doubt that when I go to public ddoc. they would listen to my problem patiently .

i cry for no reason and things that doesn't even important pisses me off. a sentense that my friend said meaninglessly, I got mad .

I am ashamed of myself, I got no degree, no school. I work in home office.

basically I have no life. I withdraw from people, I rarely go out with my friends anymore,. I have nothing to talk about. I am a bore.

My mom is poor and I am really tired of living my life just for her. it 's always about her her her.how she got sick how I should work hard for her business. How people often betray her.

I am useless compare to my sister, or even my friends. Well, I don

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Of course people are going to read this. A whooooooole lotta people relate. The purposelessness of everyday things when all you can think about is ending the pain. Who the fuck cares?

I personally can't stand most of the inspirational shit. I feel like it is for "normal" people to achieve peace. It's a way bigger job for people with MI to find peace. (don't think of death as peace btw - Could be you end up more screwed than you are now.) If they work for you then keep going. I read Eat, Pray, Love and it was pretty good.

(broken record time) - Do you have a diagnosis and meds and such? It definitely sounds like you are in the pit of depression. Not leaving the house too often, getting angry easily, putting on weight, really negative self image... You officially qualify. The weight gain could be from some meds, and there may be other meds that control your mood better. Sucks you can't go to a private doc, but make yourself informed enough to work WITH the doc you have, maybe even guiding them a little.

Don't discount the abandonement and constant let down of your ex as a main source of your problems. Letting him back only to have him be a dick and leave plays tricks on your mind and makes you feel like you're not worthy. I'm going to guess that you sleep with him when you guys hang out again? You want love and companionship and support so bad that you'll put up with bad realitionships - oh how I've been there. And there again. And again, and again...

The point of things is to work your hardest even though you really don't want to. If you can't go to a therapist, at least write down your thoughts and try to dissect them. What is the source? What are recurring themes? When did this come about and when have you seen major changes in your mood? Cry as much as you need even if you think others will judge you for it. Screw them.

Also I put on 60 lbs from depression & meds and general not caring and damn if I haven't been able to do anything about it.

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you can not afford to not spend on a head shrinker. you can not afford cut rate help. your mind is broken and it can be repaired. there are countless people here that came back from the agony of the pits because of good medical care.

be aware that all the pdocs are not created equally. some roll pills with abandon. some are brilliant, caring, competant people and will work with you on the payment part of it.

we creatures have nothing without our health-nothing! you mentioned a doc that you are seeing. if this md is a gp or what have you, he maybe able to recommend a pdoc but my experience is that another moonbat's recommendation is worth it's weight in gold.

not my place to say this 'cause i am an old man but if i were in your shoes and was all overweight, for the present i would not be chasing men until my the bats were outta da belfry and i was digging life once again. when a doc has you on level emotional ground again-your body will follow your mind's commands once more.

do not despair, just hunt around here for people's storys that indicate just how far and fast they have come up outta the pits once care was fothcoming.

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does that even make any sense?

Yup. Sure does. You want to stop feeling like shit. You are seriously depressed and need serious help. My hubby was in the same boat as you a while back. He is bipolar and had his first depressive episode. While it truly sucked, with the proper meds and some cognitive therapy, he is fine now. In fact, today he is in a great mood despite being VERY busy and having a difficult work load. He is out right now driving around making deliveries with our son blasting rock & roll music at high volume and enjoying the weather.

There is help out there. There is hope.

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I want to kill myself but I don't want to die. does that even make any sense?

I am tired and exhausted. I am tired of crying all the time

... but somehow, the inner peace often just go away like that

Actually, many people here know exactly what you mean. The evasive "inner peace" is that nasty, nagging feeling that something *can* be fixed -- if you just find the right medication.

I doubt that when I go to public ddoc. they would listen to my problem patiently .

I saw a "public" one today, and they listened quite well. Docs work at those places to help people just like you, who don't have the funds. I got the feeling the people there were happy to have the opportunity to help me out. It's a lot like lawyers working "pro-bono" or, free. They do it because they want to help someone who needs it -- not for financial reasons.

i cry for no reason and things that doesn't even important pisses me off. a sentense that my friend said meaninglessly, I got mad .

That's normal, too. Irritability and anger are well known signs of aggitated depression, just as fatigue and inability to do anything is normal for vegitative depression. However both (agitated & vegitative) two sides of same coin: depression. I have had episodes of crying/tearfulness at just dropping and breaking something. It sucks, and again goes back to meds not working right for your particular, personal brain.

I am ashamed of myself, I got no degree, no school. I work in home office.

basically I have no life. I withdraw from people, I rarely go out with my friends anymore,. I have nothing to talk about. I am a bore.

Being depressed makes it difficult to impossible to see any bright side. Remember, if you can, that it is there -- there are times when a depressed mind just can't get itself to see anything good. It's like a black-hole of negativity, with no apparent way out. The right meds will change your view 180 degrees.

My mom is poor and I am really tired of living my life just for her. it 's always about her her her.how she got sick how I should work hard for her business. How people often betray her.

Sometimes, the people closest to us -- spouse or family -- only add to the irritation / depression, especially if they don't understand it, don't want to deal with it, or don't believe it exists. Just know she may not be helping the situation, and try to avoid her or downplay her comments till you can better deal with things.

Ever since my ex left me 2 years ago, he cheated on me with bunch of other chicks.

He contacted me awhile back, telling me that he wanted to come and visit me.

...and leave me again , this happened like 3 times already

You have a lot control over this dewd than your mom, so just tell him to fuck off, because you don't trust him anymore after the 3 times, and that's it. You can think about it. It's very normal to think about those who gave you love -- but -- this guy sounds like a user, so, you got "tainted love," as the song goes. Keep telling him exactly what the problem is -- he cheats, and keeps trying to sweet talk you to come back, then tell him again to F.O. 'cause you don't need that kind of treatment.

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of everything?

I've struggled with this for years, and created a whole philosophy about it. However, religion and philosophy don't help depression as much as psychaitrics and psychology. The purpose of life has many facets -- one of them is having the experience of life. You could say the universe is like a roller coaster, and life is the mechanism souls use to give it a ride. Otherwise, the "rides" of the universe would all be empty -- kind of a waste of space. So, god made life as a way of sharing this spectacular amusement park with others -- and that comes with prices such as an eventual end, and the "human condition" -- love, hate, fear, pain, difficulty -- all that stuff that comes with the priceless ride. Without a body, you'd be back to not feeling much of anything at all -- back to being an immortal soul, looking back at life -- and wanting it again! Trust me, the grass always seems greener on the other side, so you might as well stick around on *this* side because you'll end up wanting to come back anyway, and you'll miss everything you left.

You know, I really did try hard to make myself better, get on with my life like how people do. I did exercise and watched what I ate.

I really tried so hard , I did everything I could, I wanted to lose weight and become the person I used to be .

Then something bad happened, I found out I got hemorrhoid , I mean, WTH, cuz ' I exercised too hard.

I'll tell you a secret -- pain, discomfort and injury are part of *any* sport. Working out, weight-training, gymnastics/ballet, even stretching can cause something to sprain or break. Don't worry about it so much -- try to remember that your depression is causing this injury to seem like the end of the world. If you are anything like me, you probably push yourself to limits, and this can cause injuries.

Excercise, diet and vitamins are kind of an epidemic in the US. The U.S. has the largest number of gym membership and vitamin sales, and also the fattest people and unhealthiest food choices. You didn't do this -- the government and food industry made us fat. It's more money for everyone -- more gyms, more vitamins, more doctors visits. Just think about how even the *health* industry plays into this -- they don't cover preventative medicine -- they want you to be really sick before they help you. It's the same game, and it's not your fault. It's essentially a failure of government, favoring money-making gimmicks over national health.

Hope it helps! e-mail or post back so we know yer okay.

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Fuck DB - Are you at it AGAIN???

As an overweight woman, I agree with rc's comment.

not my place to say this 'cause i am an old man but if i were in your shoes and was all overweight, for the present i would not be chasing men until my the bats were outta da belfry and i was digging life once again. when a doc has you on level emotional ground again-your body will follow your mind's commands once more.

She is UNHAPPY with how she is. She is UNHAPPY in her life. Instead of accepting one's lot, try your damnedest to get something better going. The fact is that she isn't living up to her potential and she needs a change to do this. Do you really want to accept a crappy life? You think not fitting into airplane seats is fun?

He is not trying to lie to her by saying that everything's all right, he's saying "Hey, follow docs orders, don't worry about impressing guys, focus on you (I put in that very girlie thought) and you will lose weight and have a fucking ball with your new body.

Have you ever been overweight? Do you fucking know what it's like? Especially when one is young. Now that I'm 31 I don't care as much. Guys are cool with it I think, it's not like they's in the best shape either. But they're cool guys (well, except for a glitch that I won't talk about).

Can you buy clothes in a normal store? Does ANYTHING fit you correctly or do the big lumps of flesh make it hard to wear anything but ill-fitting clothes?

Anyway.

And keep your damn flames to yourself. You totally got off topic and are ruining this poor girl's thread about wanting to KILL HERSELF. Yes, your problems with a comment definitely rank. Why don't YOU fuck off for once and let this fucking board rest. Wonder why it's been dead around here? People BOUNCED. All the bullshit that you started by way overreacting and being a sactimonious uber-bitch drove people away.

Just - just - just - shhhhhhh......

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