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This is the first time in a long time since I've needed help from everyone at CB. It's been a good two years or so since I've written anything on here and it's about time I do it.

Let's see, where to begin? I guess I should tell you that I've been depressed for a long time. I've tried to tell my pdoc this, but my mental health clinic keeps changing the doctors or losing them. I've experienced both. I've just lost my pdoc. I'm in major need of a med change. I take Geodon 80mg and 40mg both in the morning and at bedtime, and I feel they have done me nothing but harm. Oh sure, they've helped me stop cutting myself and being manic, but they also have stopped me from being creative, a big part of my life. I'm not playing the keyboard anymore. I barely sing. I've stopped writing songs and poetry, and I've stopped writing my novel. I'm also on Topamax 100mg at bedtime and Klonopin .5mg twice daily. I was on these meds before the Geodon and I was still creative.

The clinic has canceled my appointment with a doctor and scheduled me an appointment with the PA on the 17th of June. I don't know if they can put me on something like Zoloft. I've heard many good things about creative people being on Zoloft and still controlling their manic episodes. Has anyone heard different?

I am sleeping 'round the clock to deal with my depression. From 3am until 4pm. Unless there's an appointment for me to go to. I'm suppose to be looking for a new place to live, but I haven't really tried my hardest because I just don't give a damn. I'm also depressed because six of the eight kitties I have have to be given up for adoption and they're like children to me. I can't have children because I'm infertile and I can't adopt because of my health problems and low income.

I'm at a loss for words. I really need some advice or some kind words of wisdom. You guys were always there for me when I was on here years ago. I really need you again.

Thanks,

Elizabeth

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Aww. Sorry to hear all that. That's funny...I just started posting after over a year myself. I had a slow, unnoticeable poop out back to depression.

Okay...So, you were able to be creative on topomax and klonopin, and that's good. So, switch geodin, just like you said.

On top of the geodin problem, you have lots of other stuff contributing "normally" to the depression. That is, the adoption due to health and income and that. The apartment and the kittens. Scary, unsettling stuff... and one would be expected to be depressed.

On the bright side, you will be able to adopt in the future. Maybe not for now, and that's probably best, anyway. Things are unstable, but they'll straighten back out.

Maybe try another clinic. I'm in L.A. and just discovered like 3 different possibilities for low income, and one was good enough to see me the next day for eval, and now Monday (June 2nd) I'm gonna see a psychiatrist. So, the theory is, you can get in somewhere else much sooner than June 17th. At least call and see if they have a walk-in option or an earlier date somewhere.

The sleepy feelings: somnolescence, and the tired feeling: fatigue. Two favorite deamons of depression. I have a few of those hiding around here myself. Wish I could get rid of 'em. It's a common thing for depression, and, as you know can make it difficult to do stuff. Just try to push through it, and maybe lay off the geodin if you really feel it is causing more harm than good.

Sorry again for your troubles. I've been pretty low myself lately, but I have hope.

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About seeing another doctor, I can't because there is no other doctor that works with my therapist and my insurance will cover. I live in a small town and you get what you can get unless you're prepare to travel and I can't afford to do that. But thanks for the advice.

And thanks for the link. I'm already on vitamin D to help with leg cramps and because I can't get a lot of sun because of my blood pressure meds and I'm a redhead. I burn very easily.

I was up at two today, but I didn't get out of bed. Instead, I read for a few hours. I'm just so bored all the time that I don't know what to do. I should be packing, but I don't have boxes. And I really do need help. *sighs* I feel like I'm a lost cause sometimes.

;)

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You're not a lost cause, you're just depressed. I am too. It really sucks. I understand about the kitties. I love my animals like they're my kids. I do love my own kids more, though. But they are my babies, especially my kitten. She is all mine and is always by my side. And I have a huge great dane mix who is my best friend. i hope you can get some comfort from your furry friends. They almost always give me comfort. hugs, Melissa

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I remember you, Melissa. Not well, but I do remember you. ;)

My kitties do cheer me up. They always follow me around the house. And that's why I'm going to miss them so much when I have to give them up for adoption. I was so close to having a home for them this past week. But the guy who was going to adopt them screwed me over with a counterfeit check. Now I'm back to square one and all the heartache again.

I visited with my ex-husband last night. He cheered me up for a few hours. That's the thing. I'll visit with family or friends for a few hours and then I'm back to being depressed all over again. And I cry so much. The crying just doesn't stop. And it's always right before I go to bed. I'm so lucky to have a cat that loves me when I cry, but she has to be given to my parents when I move. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's my angel kitty.

Well I hope to see my best friend tonight. I haven't seen her since Thursday and I miss her so much. I do have to wonder if she knows how important she is to me. I feel so lost without her. She's like a sister to me. And I do have a sister, but she never talks to me on a daily basis or just about daily like my best friend does. My sister talks to me like once a month, maybe not even that. And I have to call her. It shouldn't be like that. Oh well, what can ya do? You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives.

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I am kind of in a similar boat. I've tried almost everything. Zoloft didn't work for me at all. I've tried things that worked but stopped working. I think that the only medication I have left is Effexor. I am going to try to have my pdoc let me give it a try. Best of luck to you. This is an awful way to live.

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I am kind of in a similar boat. I've tried almost everything. Zoloft didn't work for me at all. I've tried things that worked but stopped working. I think that the only medication I have left is Effexor. I am going to try to have my pdoc let me give it a try. Best of luck to you. This is an awful way to live.

I've tried just about every mood stabilizer there is. I've never been on Effexor or Serequel (is that how it's spelled?) I've seen too many people on Serequel become zombies, and I've been down that road with Neurotin. I've even forgot what happened when I was on Neurontin. And that was like a year or so of my life. I had two boyfriends that I normally wouldn't have given the time of day to and they both lived with me. I slept with them both in the same night one time. It was a terrible mess. I am SO glad I'm not on that drug anymore.

At least I'm reading again. I wasn't reading for the longest time. Now I have three books that I'm currently reading. Kiss the Girls by James Patterson, Predator by Patricia Cornwell, and Stardust by Neil Gaiman. All great books.

I see my therapist tomorrow. She's new. Well not really new, but I've been going to her for almost a year now. I'm just starting to come out with my secrets to her. We've been mainly discussing my depression over the cats being adopted out because I'm getting ready to move. I wish she wouldn't talk about them. It always makes me cry when she brings it up. And I hate crying in front of people.

But anyway, you're absolutely right. This IS an awful way to live. I just need the right med cocktail.

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SF, I'm sorry to say that zoloft, while giving me a HUGE creative run (I'm an artist) also sent me into a raging mania, and when I was removed from it, went into a very deep depression. I've had to try a few combos, but what I've had more success with is seroquel and lamictal. Unfortunately, it took a while, I didn't recover overnight, but it did work. I was on a low dose (10mg) of Lexapro, but I'm off now due to a rise in moods. I don't have happy manias, I have the type where I'm screaming and throwing things. I'm now starting abilify, up to 10mg right now, it's replacing the morning dose of seroquel (I still take a noon and late afternoon dose), maye it's a mind game, but I do find it a little activating, and between that and the morning lack of seroquel, I find that I'm much more alert. Enough to get me rolling, then the seroquel keeps me from going too high. I haven't tried geodon, so I can't say anything about that.

I hope you find a combo that works. I know the pain of being unable to create. And then the depression over that leads to more depression, and well... it's just a vicious cycle. Best wishes, and keep posting.

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Elizabeth! It's so good to see you around, although I wish it were under different circumstances.

Seems like you are on all meds to squash your mood and it sounds like they are working too well. I understand needing to control the mania, but if it is affecting your life so negatively and really putting you in the pits of depression. Is there any way you can get in touch with a doctor and get some kind of approval to switch things up before your appt? If you told them you are not able to function and explain some of your symptoms maybe they'd help. Maybe not if you haven't seen this PA before. It would be really unfortunate if you had to deal with this for another 2 weeks until your appt.

It sounds like you have a few friends that make you happy, which is good. Try to be as active as you can (easier said...) with them. Do they know what you're going through currently? Let them know that you are suffering and would appreciate them spending time with you or checking in or something.

Don't let the tdoc dictate what you talk about it. If she brings up the cats say "I really don't want to talk about it anymore - I have other concerns that need attention" and she should get the point. The cat situation isn't going to change and you are going to be sad about it. I can see how talking about it would just be more upsetting.

I'm so sorry you have to give up your cats! I had a horrible experience when I had to give up my 2 ferrets a few years back and I STILL cry if I think about it too much. See? I'm tearing up already. Oy. Can't think about it.

Again, it's good to see you. Keep fighting the good fight.

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Hey Supergwen! It is good to be back, but bad for the reasons.

I've been doing good for the past few days. Although I was up early today because my Mom needed me because her blood sugar was too low and Dad said she was on another planet and he didn't know how to handle her, I was really tired today. I took a catnap this afternoon at my mom's.

I have to do laundry tomorrow. I canceled my appt. with my therapist. I just didn't feel like going. I didn't want to deal with her or anyone that day. I wanted to sleep. I rescheduled on the 16th. Right before my PA's appt. I can wait the next week or so. I lied to her and told her my kidney was hurting. When I want out of my appointments, that's what I usually say.

I met someone online. We're meeting one another on Saturday. We've been writing to one another for a week now. She lives 45 minutes away from me. She seems really nice and understanding of all my health problems including the mental ones. I've told her some of my past with my cutting and that I don't do it anymore. We've exchanged pictures. She's plus size like me. I told her not to expect greatness from me, that I'm a fucked up girl looking for someone to love. I know I shouldn't be looking for love right now because I'm depressed, but finding someone would cheer me up and so far, I've had a good week. Except for the weekend. No one was around. I was really lonely.

Tonight was okay. I wrote a letter to my new friend. Listened to Tori Amos. Smoked a bowl. And now I'm ending the night here.

Even though I was tired today, it was an okay day.

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Tori always makes me feel better when i'm depressed. I love Tori! If not for her music, I don't know how I would have made it through some times. I've been listening to her too. Sorry you're still feeling bad. I am feeling bad too so I can relate. I hate this time of year. I live in Fl. and it's so dang hot. 98 degrees yesterday. The hot oppressive sinking air makes me feel like I can't breath. It always makes me depressed. I'm really sorry about your cat. Maybe you could volunteer at a local animal shelter to play with kitties. I know where I live, there is a place like that. They love for people to come and give the kitties attention. The kitties love it too.

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My dad is going through this, I don't know if I should let you stay and rent out the other side of the duplex or sell it. I don't know what to do. My best friend and sister think I should move and reapply for the adoption of my kitties. I'm now afraid because I got scammed. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

The only shelter I could volunteer for is the SPCA and I would have to see animals put down to sleep and I don't want to see that. That is a good idea though. Thanks Mel.

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Here is a link to "no kill" shelters ... http://www.saveourstrays.com/nokill.htm

About...

I'm now afraid because I got scammed.

There is a rash of that out there. As soon as you list something worth over about $100 on the internet, you get spammed with "interested in your [insert item here]" I've gotten this for three ads in a row now. Sometimes they are very obvious 'cause the scammers are very very stoopid. This one email was about a guy who wanted my car, and I was selling a PC. The emails will almost always have spelling errors and want to pay by check...

Basically, don't accept check. Just forget it. People can just print fake checks -- and, if they are willing to give you a check, just ask them for the cash in the account instead. The other alternative is to use electronic payment or "escrow" service until the deal is finalized.

You could try to put the ad up again, just make sure to talk to the person on the phone and don't accept a check. Scammers will never give you their phone number and do online communication through email or chatrooms.

Oh, here's the scam: you get a check for wayyyy over the amount, and the scammer wants you to cash it, and send back the difference by Western Union or wire. This way, you get a fake check -- they get the item AND you gave them money you'll ultimately have to pay back to the bank. The banks STILL take like 2 weeks to discover fake checks unless you ask them to call and check the routing numbers at the bank listed on the check up-front.

Alex

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Well I finally got to see my PA today. And I am so happy to report, she put me on Zoloft without me even asking to go on it. When I told her I wanted to go on it, she said, "Good, because you're going on it. That's no way to live." She wants me to ease up on the Klonopin. Which I'm cool with because I'm not having anxiety attacks anymore. And in about three or so months, be taken off of it completely. So right now, I start out with taking 50mg of the Zoloft for two weeks then up to 100mg. I see the PA again in six weeks to see how I'm doing. She said not to expect miracles from the Zoloft right away. It's one of those drugs that takes time to work. I'm cool with that too. I totally understand how psych meds work.

My date went okay, but no sparks. So we're not going to go out again. We haven't even been emailing one another, which I think is sad. She just kinda gave me the cold shoulder. I even sent her an ecard saying thank you for the lovely evening. Some people can be so rude. Oh well, what can ya do?

I'm so glad that everyone has written. Thanks a bunch. It does mean a lot to me. I get so lonely sitting here at my house all by myself at times and it seems like you're the only ones out there who really care. I know that's not true, but it just seems like it. You know what I mean?

Oh the counterfeit check. That's exactly what happened. It was made out to me for $2000. And I was suppose to cash it and wire the money to the pet shipper company $1770 and keep the rest for the adoption fee. I think what I'm going to do once my head is somewhat straightened out, is just call the SPCA up and ask them to take my kitties. It would be nice to have them adopted through Petfinders.com, but that's how I got scammed. I'm afraid of that happening again. And I'm sure the SPCA will find good homes for my kitties.

I still haven't found an apartment yet that will take two of my kitties. That's all I'm keeping. I have to keep my absolute favorites or I will surely go into a deeper depression. There's got to be some place in this small town that I can move to that will let me have two kitties. *sighs* I hate this ongoing search. I've stopped for the time being because my health is more important. Gotta straighten that up first. I'm just so glad I don't have to go to the hospital. I hate it there.

Thanks again for all your replies and concerns.

Hugs and Kisses,

Elizabeth

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"That's no way to live."

That kind of thing seems invisible inside deep depression. Hard to tell if anything is normal or not. Wish there was a meter you could wear that told you when things aren't right anymore. There's a saying for depression (or maybe M.I. in general): "you're always the last one to find out."

You sound a lot better! Glad you went and checked up on yerself.

I'm hoping my meds are gonna work. I'm guinnea pigging for cymbalta at the moment.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well I've had a couple of good days this week so far. I'm still spending time with my best friend, which helps greatly. I went to bed at five this morning and got up at one. So I didn't sleep the whole day away like I usually do. I even filled out my online form for welfare today. Now all I need is my bill stubs to send to them and I'm all set.

I start the regular dose of Zoloft on Saturday. I really hope it doesn't turn me manic. So far I haven't had any weird side effects. I still am really nervous and jiggle my leg a lot. I don't know what causes that. Does anyone have that problem? It's constant with me except when I sleep. It's like tremors, I can control it, but it feels necessary to keep my leg moving. Go figure.

I haven't been crying that much. Maybe it's because I haven't been trying to find a place to live for the past week or so. I kinda gave it a break because of my depression. I was more focused on fixing that than looking for a place. I'm not being thrown out or anything like that, so I can take my time looking for a new place. Besides, when I do look in the newspaper, every place I see says NO PETS. How depressing. I WILL NOT part with my favorite cats. I will get rid of the six that need homes, but I will not get rid of Spooky and Tristan. They mean the absolute world to me. I would go into a further depression if I had to get rid of them.

Well I must go, my best friend is visiting with me. Can't be rude and ignore her.

Hugs and kisses to you all! ;)

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Guest_scarlet_faery_*

I just wanted to update everyone about my struggle with the depression. I've been doing better. I'm getting over bronchitis, so I did sleep a little too much over the past few weeks because of my cough medicine. I've had a few moments of crying spells. All of which have been over the cats that I have to get rid of. I had some pretty nasty nightmares today when I took my nap and woke up crying because one of the nightmares was about my dear kitty Spooky dying. I hate those dreams. I am very attached to him and have nightmares that people kill him or he dies tragically in my arms. This one I had today was just horrible. I don't want to describe it because it's so horrible. I was just happy to wake up and see him alive and in my arms as usual. He's very close to me and sleeps with me in my arms. I had another cat that was like that before he came to live with me and she was very close to me too.

The bad news about my recovery with the depression is the PA that I saw that prescribe the Zoloft is gone. I was going to see her next week or the week after that. I can't remember and I don't have my appointment book with me right now. So yet another reschedule with another doctor or PA. I'm so tired of this crap! I'm lucky to have the same therapist and that she hasn't been replaced yet.

Well, that's it for now. I've done some packing with my best friend. She's the greatest. I don't know what I'd do without her. My birthday is coming up on Tuesday. I'm turning 36. Yay! My apartment hunting is about to go on again. So wish me good luck.

Thanks for being there for me.

Love,

Elizabeth

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