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serotonin junkie

nan just died

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Nan died this morning. Her heart finally gave way. I was at work and got the call from mum to go and see her, but I only got to the street and dad called to say she had died. I made my way to Colac to see her with my sister and brother-in-law, and we were all just devastated - we are quite a close family.

It's never easy seeing someone close to you like that. I really thought she would pull out of the chest infection she had. She was like oh I'll come good. And you believe it because she always was such a strong woman, born in the country, raised to be tough and resiliant. And it was only yesterday I saw her and she was as sharp as ever, but her body so weak. I knew she had to go into hospital then, and looked into doing that, but she didn't really want to go as when she was younger she spent so much time in hospital with TB.

Going to her house is very hard. I just expect her to be there, or come down the hall.

I feel very alone tonight. I just wanted to come here and talk about it.

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I'm so very sorry honey, and also that I'm so far away and can't be there to hold your hand.

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ah man, that sucks. was she a matriarchal figure in the family? that can really tear shreds

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on dad's side it's a small family, but certainly she was a "what she said goes" kind of woman. Very strong woman. That's why it was such a shock. We thought she'd beat what was going on in her lungs. But bang, her heart went. She was a funny woman, would always make me laugh. She was very innapropriate at times. For example, like telling people they are fat. Not in a nasty way, more matter-of-fact. Like, oh did you know you're fat?

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She was very innapropriate at times. For example, like telling people they are fat. Not in a nasty way, more matter-of-fact. Like, oh did you know you're fat?

my grandmother's just like that! It makes me laugh to see people kind of stumped as to what to say in response, because she's 92 and they don't want to be rude. I figure at 92 she's earned the right to say whatever she wants!

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Oh, how sad to lose your Gramma. I'm very sorry that she died, but I'm glad she showed you what a strong woman is all about! She sounds like she was a real character.

I hope that the good times stay with you and that's the part of her you remember.

olga

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I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a grandparent. I hope you give yourself plenty of time to grieve, and I'm glad there are people there in your family for you.

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I have lost three of my grandparents (maternal grandfather was a suicide in 1987, never got to meet him, paternal grandfather died of a heart attack in 1991, just as we were flying from the US to India to see him, so I never met him either). My paternal grandmother died in 1997 at the age of 75, just after we returned from our third visit to India.

However, my maternal grandmother (72 years old) is still at it and has no known severe medical issues. She is mentally a very strong person, having gone through her husband's suicide and her daughter's immigration to the US. I talk to her on the phone occasionally, and she gives me advice with dealing with my hydrocephalus pain (although her issue is gout).

So, I can empathize with you on the loss of a grandparent, and am very sorry that you had a very strong grandparent succumb to disease. The loss of my paternal grandfather in 1991 was really a heart-wrenching thing for me (and moreso for my father, of course!), since we were on our way there to see him (as well as the rest of our family.

So please be strong, just like your grandmother was. I wish you the best, and Godspeed to Nan.

Edited by herrfous

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my family tends to hideaway and die alone. so i can only really relate to losing a strong active family member through witnessing other families experiences.

have you already filled your medicare-6 tdoc appt quota for the year?

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She was very innapropriate at times. For example, like telling people they are fat. Not in a nasty way, more matter-of-fact. Like, oh did you know you're fat?

my grandmere is also exactly like this. and always has been, so i can't blame it on her being in her nineties heh.

i'm so sorry for your loss, sj. ;)

- rita

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thanks for all your comments. The funeral is tomorrow. We've worked hard putting everything together, and I think we're just about right. The viewing is tonight. Dad is the only one going as the others and myself said goodbye the day she died.

One thing, I'm incredibly suicidal at the moment. I think about it A LOT. Just wondering if others have experienced this?

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I think I should write something, just to help the isolation I'm feeling right now. I'm pretty depressed. Nan's funeral was just 2 days ago, and I was actually kinda ok during that, but it's hitting me now how sad it is. I've been really suicidal since nan died. Really considering it. Last night it hit me that I just can't do it, because mum lost her dad when she was young, and if she lost me it would just ruin her for life. If it wasn't for my family I would do it.

I check in with my pdoc on tuesday. Will be good to catch up, tell her how I'm feeling. We might take another look at my medication, and talk about getting another tdoc, as I don't have one at the moment. Dan, I haven't filled the medicare quota for this year...

I'm quitting my job too because it's adding to my depression. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing that tomorrow. I've thought it over and over, and it's the right thing to do. I'll be unemployed but I think I can get another job. I don't agree with the ethics of my employer, so I just have to go, yesterday. I was going to put in my notice the day nan died.

I really loved my nan. I'm going to miss heading to the country to go and see her, in the town I grew up in. I spent the first 18 years of my life there. I first moved to the city, then my sister, and my mum and dad built a house down here. Pop died two and a half years ago, now nan. My links to that town have certainly faded. It's down to memories now, which ain't bad, but there'll be no more going down there to stay with nan for the weekend. From now on we'll be going down there to empty the house, and sell it, and work out who gets what share. It's an eerie feeling to enter the house of a family member that has just died. There's a lifetime of stuff in there, and we have to sort through it. It won't feel right, as if nan will suddenly be coming down the hall wonderin what the hell I'm doing with her stuff! I know I'll be finding special things that will bring tears to my eyes, but somebody has to do the job and I can hear nan say we just have to get on with it.

I'm also finally accepting that I have lost hair, at the temples, and that there's been a few greys here and there. I will have to cut my hair shorter soon.

such is life.

herrfous - hopefully your grandmother lives a long heathy life. so sad you just missed meeting your paternal grandfather.

another thing - the day before nan died, she wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. We'd never really discussed my sexuality before, because I didn't feel comfortable. I only realised just how accepting she was just after her death. Sadly I had no news to report, but she wanted to know, I think, before she went. I think she had an idea she might go.

Edited by serotonin junkie

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hi sj

i understand feeling suicidal - its really difficult and when someone close to you dies it makes it even harder i'm sure.

i hope you can see that this has triggered your worsening feelings - and that with time you will start to feel better and move on from this - i am so sorry that your family has lost such a special person. Can you talk to some other people in your family about how you are feeling - or just about anything , to have a bit of company?

keep posting here if it helps, we are here to listen.

thinking of you.

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hi berry, I saw your post on suicidal thoughts. I relate to how you experience them. I have them a lot too, even when I'm relatively happy. It's a bit weird.

I've got my mum to talk to. That's good. I just spoke to her then about how I'm feeling. She's having a good day today. We're all up and down. I feel for my dad as he's an only child, so he doesn't have siblings to share the experience with, on that sort of level. We're all trying to share the load of her death, so it doesn't all fall on his shoulders. He's holding together well, I think. Hard to tell with him sometimes.

It is helping posting here - just to process all this.

Thanks Berry.

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This is part of the speech I gave at the funeral, on her fat lines. Just thought I'd post it.

To point out an example of her character, Nan was someone who told it how she saw it. So beware if you had put on weight, because she would soon point it out to you. On a few occasions she could be heard saying,

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she sounds like a really down to earth, amusing person ;)

its good that you were able to make the speech. i hope the rest of your family is pulling together ok. supporting each other through this helps a lot, and its good you can talk to your mum.

do you have anyone else - doctor/counsellor you can check in with? family support is awesomely helpful, but as far as the people who look after the psych side of things, it might be good for them to know this has happened, how it might affect you, and for you to talk to them about the suicidal thoughts. if you dont have someone to talk to, and things get tough, remember lifeline is always there.

look after yourself!

berry

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