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I work part time at the local hospital. I am frightened to death of the psych nurses because of how they treated me the last time i was in hospital. I believe they can read my mind, are performing black magic rituals on me, I get their thoughts inserted into my head, they control my MP3 player and I hear their voices whispering messages to go kill myself on it, they also control my bowels, my metabolism and my menstrual cycle. Occasionally I bump into one of them in the corridors and this nearly sends me crazy.

Lately I have been feeling all the above symptoms more and more intensely (on 25mgs of Zyprexa). I have command voices that tell me to do things certain ways and within certain times or the nurses will get me. This interferes with my work. I have been generally feeling not able to cope and heading for a psychotic meltdown. I see my p-doc in a week but I think he's one of them and in any case all he'll do if I tell him I want to die is send me back to the psych ward which will fucking crucify me. Should I just take a vacation from work for 2 weeks and hope I recover? Ive been on all the APs and if Zyprexa doesn't work, nothing will. The p-doc is pushing for clozapine but that means a psych ward stay which will send me bananas. I think Im a lost cause

blackbird x

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it sounds like you're going through a pretty rough time. I understand that you're afraid of the psych nurses, but it seems like you're already pretty miserable, and I don't know what they could really do to make you feel worse if you stayed in the hospital. The chance that clozapine could give you some room to breathe is one I'd take, if I were you. And really, if they are controlling parts of you, which I don't see why they'd want to, you're doing a pretty good job of keeping the rest of your mind and body out of their clutches.

I am confident in your ability to maintain control of your own mind and body. I've seen some of your other posts, and if I do recall, you wrote a book, and completed a university education? Those are some serious achievements, ones that a lot of people couldn't do, especially when they suffer from psychotic symptoms. You have great willpower, and I think you're capable of freeing yourself from feeling controlled.

Try and ignore the voices, or tell them they are unwelcome, or whatever technique you find comforts you the best. They are an illusion, not real. I know that the nurse situation scares you, and I can appreciate that, I have irrational beliefs too, but you have to keep telling yourself, "this is all in my head, it's not real, and I am safe" until you believe it.

I wish you the best, and keep us updated.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Blackbird: Similar things happened to me when I went on my psych trip (hospital three months). I believed people were using balck magic and they were reading my thoughts and stuff. But I did come out of it so I am writing this to encourage you. Perhaps Zyprexa just isnt the right medication?

People have no reason to want to control you. This is a sickness - BUT YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE.

THE ABSOLUTE KEY to getting better for me was trusting my nurses/docs. I HAD to start taking medication, and why would I take a pill from someone I didnt trust, especially when I believed the were out to kill me? I NEEDED that medication.

TRUST. Maybe talk to a pastor, that is what helped me too. Those God guys are good people.

So, yeah, Im here for ya. We all are. I hope this helps you out!



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