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Anger outbursts


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I had a good day today. I'm divorced and my daughters' father is not around so we went to two different parks and played, I took them to McDonald's, we had a fun day. Then I came home and we all relaxed for awhile. Out of nowhere I started to clean, because, well, it needed to be done and I had put it off for awhile. I put the dishes in the dishwasher and put the baby in the crib with a bottle. She started fussing. That set me off. I took her out of the crib. Great, she pooped. changed the diaper and decided to vacuum. I started SCREAMING at my 4-yr-old to pick up the toys, get everything off the floor, hurry, hurry, hurry! Where does the pillow go? in the ROOM! Put it in the BED! I felt like a DRILL SARGEANT. I want vacuuming hurridly, rambling out expletives and throwing things, I suddenly felt crazy again.

As of late, I've felt dare-I-say-it... normal. I've only been taking Paxil with Ativan or Xanax at night to help with sleep, and I've felt depressed but not suicidal or really out of sorts. Hell, I've been too tired to do jack shit but work and sleep.

Nonetheless, I suddenly felt like the crazy was oozing back into my body because this SURELY was NOT normal. I felt guilty for my poor kids who have been through this before. Suddenly, paranoid thoughts that I may lose my kids or that I'm a bad parent started taking over. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother? Would they hate me if they lived somewhere else and rarely saw me because mommy is 10 kinds of crazy? Could I ever live without them? they are why I breathe.

So my first instinct was to come here and vent. I'm shaking as I write this. The floor is clean. The kids are watching cartoons. The dishes are washing. My mouth is shut. But I am overwhelmed by the number of things I have to do, the lack of help I have, the sleepiness I feel all the time.

Where in the world did this anger come from? It just BAM!!!! Blew!!!!!! What the heck?! I'm really scared that I cannot control my own emotions!!!

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I had an outburst this week at work. I NEVER yell at people. When I get irritable, it might show through. I'll definitely bitch to people close to me about others. But this week I yelled at the men I support about messing with an air conditioner. But I didn't even know I did it. I went back to the den (my office) and another manager told me I was very mean. She couldn't believe it. When I went to leave, all the guy were hiding in their bedrooms. I had to apologize to all of them (including the staff who were also hiding out) the next day.

I think it's related to being hypomanic +.

I hope you are feeling better. Me, I need to really work I'm some stress management techniques at work. Some breathing & mindfulness, etc.

Take care,

Oreo ;)

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You know I've never had really strictly manic episodes but this definitely felt like it could have turned into one. The mere fact that I got up and took my kids to not one, but two different parks in one day was VERY out of character for me. I mean, naturally, it's what a mom should do but not THIS mom. lol Hey, my kids were thrilled. lol

But it's like the littlest thing will set me off and I'll blow. I dont know if its because I typically repress so much in everyday life, which I think we all do, or what. But it definitely felt manic or hypomanic.

Back to the antipsychotics I go. I'm calling the pdoc today to set up another appointment and will mention this. I'm always terrified to mention anything involving my kids for fear of being branded a bad mother or child abuser. But I talked to a friend of mine last night and he reminded me that even the best of mothers lose their cool sometimes and all you can do is apologize and keep it moving!

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I get those sudden bursts of anger somtimes that come out of nowhere when I am manic. It can be very stressful on you and your kids. I think we all get those thoughts of not being a good parent at the time. You just have to remember what good parent you are at the times that you aren't like that. At least that is what I try to do. I don't know if this helped but I hope it did.

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I have this problem. I feel extra guilty because I'm not even working and my kids are at daycamp all day. But sometimes, like yesterday and the day before, I was yelling at everyone and so irritable and nervy that I picked my cuticles and the skin around my nails until they were all bloody. I am on seroquel. That is the number one reason I went on seroquel. To quit getting ragey and extremely irritable w/ my kids. It mostly works. But sometimes, i can't control it and I feel terrible. Like I am such a bad mom. I have PMS now too so that makes everything worse. I have hypomania really bad right now and add it in w/ pms and ouch! I hate being in my own skin. i totally understand how you feel. I would def. talk to pdoc.

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