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Oh how i have missed this place, i moved house about 3 weeks ago and and have had no phone or net, and also managed to enter a pretty nasty bipolar depressive episode, a pretty big one, gone a year between my last one and this one.

I am so flat, that i feel numb, and when i do get triggered by something in my environment to have an emotion its usually an instant anger reply (at the fact i have to respond to the person/event and have been disturbed from my numbness) followed very quickly by self loathing and endless tears.

I have had major changes going on - moving house, my brother moving overseas, money issues (the worst i have ever faced - fact not feeling), a very sick little puppy & all the vet bills and med costs that go with that and the list goes on and on.

I had the flu, as its winter here now, and i stopped sleeping well, so i kind of felt this mood swing coming on, i know to watch for these two signs. But by the time i saw doctor not much to do.

He is putting me back on an AD - i told him i hate them because i dont feel happy and because in my mind they should make me happy i end up even more depressed. But he said in this state i need something else as my coping mechanism are not good. I comfort eat, as a result my weight has ballooned very quickly and i have started self harming again - just to give my mind a rest, something else to focus on.

I am horrible to everyone who gets near me, cause i just dont have the time or energy for them, i think i would be better off dead, so i dont really want to deal with them and interact.

what i want to know though from anyone out there with bipolar who have dealt with this illness for a while - as i grow older i learn the signs, i can say to myself 'hey your bipolar may be making u feel like this' but i still cant STOP it, the mood swings, the thoughts, i cant control it yet. BUT i do know that in 3,6,12months time i will feel the exact opposite to this.

Right now i want to die, i hate myself so much words cant describe, i hate me at the core of my soul, i hate me.

Give it a while i will feel great, better then great, better then everyone else, hot sexy, smart, rich, loved etc etc

So how do you deal with these extremes, knowing i am going to switch at some point doesnt make this time any easier, and hell to be honest knowing i will go up but come down again over and over is taking its toll and adding to my suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Please tell me how you emotionally deal with this? Medically i feel all that can be done is getting done and i will leave that to the dr but emotionally i need your support please. I am 27 and feel i will be old well before my time living these extremes

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The cycling is a hell of a pain in the ass. I haven't had it for years but I remember it. All the stress from major changes and illness certainly doesn't help.

Your sig says you are on wellbutrin (lith & valium). I don't know about you, but wellbutrin didn't work for me. The doc kept upping it and upping it and finally got to the max dose and we went on. Any of this sound familiar?

I hate to see people in these conditions. It's nasty as hell. I would push for a med change. Like usual, it sounds like yer med isn't doing as much as it should be. It also sounds like your pdoc may also need a change. Are you comfortable with him, or do you not really feel yourself with him? If you are telling him you're depressed and he is not listening, maybe see someone else.

Try to get an extra appointment with a therapist if you can, or talk to people (: like... on crazyboards ;)

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Oh how i have missed this place, i moved house about 3 weeks ago and and have had no phone or net, and also managed to enter a pretty nasty bipolar depressive episode, a pretty big one, gone a year between my last one and this one.

I am so flat, that i feel numb, and when i do get triggered by something in my environment to have an emotion its usually an instant anger reply (at the fact i have to respond to the person/event and have been disturbed from my numbness) followed very quickly by self loathing and endless tears.

I have had major changes going on - moving house, my brother moving overseas, money issues (the worst i have ever faced - fact not feeling), a very sick little puppy & all the vet bills and med costs that go with that and the list goes on and on.

I had the flu, as its winter here now, and i stopped sleeping well, so i kind of felt this mood swing coming on, i know to watch for these two signs. But by the time i saw doctor not much to do.

He is putting me back on an AD - i told him i hate them because i dont feel happy and because in my mind they should make me happy i end up even more depressed. But he said in this state i need something else as my coping mechanism are not good. I comfort eat, as a result my weight has ballooned very quickly and i have started self harming again - just to give my mind a rest, something else to focus on.

I am horrible to everyone who gets near me, cause i just dont have the time or energy for them, i think i would be better off dead, so i dont really want to deal with them and interact.

what i want to know though from anyone out there with bipolar who have dealt with this illness for a while - as i grow older i learn the signs, i can say to myself 'hey your bipolar may be making u feel like this' but i still cant STOP it, the mood swings, the thoughts, i cant control it yet. BUT i do know that in 3,6,12months time i will feel the exact opposite to this.

Right now i want to die, i hate myself so much words cant describe, i hate me at the core of my soul, i hate me.

Give it a while i will feel great, better then great, better then everyone else, hot sexy, smart, rich, loved etc etc

So how do you deal with these extremes, knowing i am going to switch at some point doesnt make this time any easier, and hell to be honest knowing i will go up but come down again over and over is taking its toll and adding to my suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Please tell me how you emotionally deal with this? Medically i feel all that can be done is getting done and i will leave that to the dr but emotionally i need your support please. I am 27 and feel i will be old well before my time living these extremes

Hi Iona

I really feel for you - i have been feeling those same depressed feelings recently, and earlier (few months ago) i was feeling the high but angry feelings. I used to cycle really fast (every few days) but as I'm getting older they are getting a little longer and a quite a bit worse.

I am 18, and i totally understand that fear/frustration thinking about the future. Its hard to imagine growing old while dealing with all this at the same time. I think if we just take it a few hours/days/weeks/months at a time, its a little bit easier to handle. Can you talk to your pdoc about getting some help with these difficult times. I think big changes (moving house, etc) has a big impact - i am certain that the stress of it would really make things worse. So i think focusing on the fact that your life should become less stressful after you have settled into your house might help. I have also had the flu and have had trouble sleeping - it really screws things up doesnt it!?

I have found that when i am switching back and forth between moods really quickly, the only way to deal with it is just focus on how im feeling right now, and deal with that. If i look ahead too far it seems really overwhelming. so for today, i feel depressed, i'm going to make myself a warm drink, try to relax, do something nice for myself and let myself cry if i need to. I sit in the sun or go for a short walk. Tomorrow, if i feel really high, i'll go for a longer walk, do some cooking, clean the house and enjoy having more energy. When it gets too much, I go to the doctor (again).

I hope you are doing ok today. We all support you here, and I'm sure most of us understand what you are going through. You're not alone. I hope you can call your pdoc or tdoc if you feel too bad, they will be able to help you.

thinking of you

berry

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