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Hello from FL

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Well I'm Solace, this is a hello from FL. It's hot and humid and there are no mountains. But the thunderstorms make up for it. I like to take long walks in the rain. As soon as I hear it pounding on my tin roof, I step outside under a sheet of warm rain.

I'm 16 and I have been hearing voices for 2 years now. I had a problem with self injury but am accident free for over a year. I also was falling into anorexia but I pulled myself out of it with much pain and now I am fat and (slightly more) happy. I also experience paranoia and anxiety that come on out of nowhere. Trying to deal right now and it's not working so well. Especially when I think the world is literally ending.

I was on an anti-depressant for a year but now my moods are all over the place and currently not on any medication. My last Pdoc (phyciatrist... can't spell....) was a jerk and I hope to find one who isn't soon. This is month 2 off welbutrin and i'm not seeing any change.

I'm not overly optimistic but i've learned to not feel sorry for myself (too much) without doing something to change it. I spend my time cooking and photographing all kinds of things from time to time, and altogether too much time online. I like to go for bike rides about an hour before a storm hits, or on windy cloudy days. I enjoy reading and I write novels (one upon a time I used to, and once upon a future I will again).

I'd like to make friends and find my place here. I don't have a diagnosis but i'm going to put myself where I can relate. So you may see me in bipolar area or the schizophrenia board or whatever...

Anyhow, that's me.

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I've tried only three or four.

Cymbalta made me drowsy, I have no recollection of any of the time I spent while on Lamitcal, Abilify made no difference and Welbutrin pulled me out of deep depression but now my moods are all over the place and what was once mild psychosis is taking over my life.

I was on Cymbalta & Abilify and then Lamictal & Abilify, then finally just Welbutrin.

I have to say, though, who knows where i'd be if it weren't for the Welbutrin? I'm living better now, and enjoying things, even if a damper is put on it by voices, delusions and paranoia.

3 months ago I stopped taking it under instruction of my old Pdoc. I seem to be getting worse no faster than when on the medication.

And thanks for the welcome. ;)

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Hey Solace,

1) I'm totally with you on on the thunderstorm thing. big warm drops that get you soaked right away, that wind (love that wind.), how beautiful and reflective everything gets, that eerie silence before the first drops, I could go on but you know all this stuff ;)

2) welcome to cb. it has been an amazing support for me over the past year or so and I honestly don't know what might have become of me without the guidance (and occasional kickinthepants) and community here

3) get thee to a pdoc.

I know how long the search for one (and a good one at that.) can take and it really needs to be #1 on your priority list right now (imo). don't wait for things to get worse in order to really sit down in earnest and make a list of pdocs that insurance covers (if you have the name, date of birth, and social security # of whomever is the primary member then most insurance companies have a phone number you can call to get names and phone numbers or a list of docs on their website. you could also probably call your gp for a referral)

being on the younger side and having to deal with the crappy adult world of worrying about insurance, making phone calls, medications and refills, etc. sucks-- and it really sucks that you have to learn these skills and deal with this stuff at your age (I'm not being condecending, I promise, I'm only 21 but have always kinda resented the fact that I had to 'grow up' so fast in order to find help for myself)-- but you really have to take it in your own hands if you want things to get done, even with the most well meaning parents or doctors.

I really hope that you can find the resources and time (motivation too) in order to sit down and have a marathon gonnafindapdoc session with a notebook and phone. ask if they are currently accepting new patients, if they accept your insurance, and how long a wait for an appointment might be. you can even do it on the weekend and leave messages so they call you back if that is more comfortable for you -- sometimes that was the only way I was sure to do it since I've always found that kind of call intimidating for some odd reason.

blah. I'm tired so I hope that some of this makes sense, and please forgive me if I'm repeating things that you already know ad nauseum since you seem like a really bright and self aware person. I'm glad you found cb and hope that you can get moving on the pdoc thing soon :)


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I hate to say it, but you may be stepping onto the med-go-round. Sometimes it takes quite a few tries - and a couple of years (*maybe*) before you fnd the right combo. I say sometimes, and I DON'T mean to scare you off. Just being realistic. A common saying around here is YMMV: Your mileage may vary. What works for one doesn't necessarily do any good at all for another. My point is not to give up trying. Do find a good pdoc, it may be hard, but so worth it.

You sound strong, stopping SI'ing and anorexia... keep going. My best wishes for you.

p.s. I *did* visit FL twice... I don't mind the heat, humidity and rain... but the people! Gah! They were coming out of the woodwork. Too much population for me. Too bad I can't transplant a palm tree here in PA....

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Yes, it made sense to me. And I have already talked many other people with the same symptoms who are on medication so I know what to expect. I also know what will happen if I try and ignore this. I have researched different medications I was on and options for treatment, and I know all about several disorders that my symptoms suggest and although i'm not diagnosing myself, it's enough for me to know it's serious.

It's thundering outside now and my voices have quieted down and the clouds in the sky put me in a lighter mood.

I have several problems with getting treatment, however.

1. My parents believe medication is toxic and will destroy my body. (totally true probably... but life can be toxic too, right?) They aren't totally against it since I was on it before, but they don't think it's anything mental. They just talk about me eating healthier and i'll "get better". Guess they don't wanna hear their daughter has a mental illness.

2. No transportation & no money to get treatment for myself

3. No insurance. My Medicaid ran out a while back and I have been asking my parents to renew it but they haven't gotten around to it.

4. I have tried to tell them what I think we should do, but I have trouble talking to anyone. So I wrote them a note clearly communicating what I thought we should do, willing to discuss it. That was two weeks ago and I think my mom lost it.

I don't know what to do. I find myself talking more and more with the voices and they are becoming more like real people. When they try to have a conversation with me, it seems more real somehow than the people around me also trying to have a conversation.

My brother has a birthday party tonight. I feel like I could break down at any moment. But what is my older brother supposed to say to the guests? "Hey happy birthday.They ask:Where's your sister?" He'll have to answer: "In the mental ward eating anti psychotics while she has her self inflicted wounds dressed." Haha! That's not what I want people to hear!

It's not the crawling into a hole that's so hard. It's the coming out, with all eyes trained on you, while everyone is wondering what the hell happened.

So what now? Shirley, my loudest voice, is telling me that i need to get treatment right away because i don't want to live with this. True... but she's also saying my only option is to cut like hell and get locked up again. But like I said it's the crawling out of the hole. If the whole year following my getting out wasn't the pits of hell trying to build up trust and get people to look at me the same way they did before I went in, I might do it.

Well that was a long winded reply. Sorry!

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I know what it's like to have people think I don't need meds, etc., that exercising and eating right will, "omg, cure EVERYTHING!!!!!!1!". Too bad that is totally not true. It is so frustrating to get people to realize that.

Shirley is wrong though. You do NOT need to cut to get help. Even though you don't have health insurance at the moment, do you have any sort of clinic in your area? A counselor at your school? Do you live in a town or a city?

I'll be in Tampa on Weds., for a wedding I really wish WASN'T happening, oy! But Florida storms are gorgeous =)

Take care, I wish you the very, very best.

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Welcome. It sounds like you're dealing well with a very difficult situation.

It sounds like the most important thing you can do right now is to get back on Medicaid, since without that not much can happen. Do you know what needs to be done for that to happen? (In terms of, what needs to be done that only your parents can do, like signing forms or gathering financial information.)

Is there anyone who can help advocate for you who might be more aware of the extent of the problems you're having?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, just a thought. My boyfriend goes to a county clinic where they work on a sliding scale for payment. If you can bring yourself (or maybe even have a friend help you), call your county health department and they can usually refer you somewhere cheap. I know you don't have transportation and your parents are not supporting you on this, if you want relief you may have to pursue doing this on your own (very sorry, I know that is scary).

Maybe you could take a bus to the clinic? Sometimes the county has a pickup available for people who can't drive to medical appointments. It takes some phone calls and just asking, explain your situation. They may know some resources you can call.

Another route you could try is to go to the Medicaid office by yourself.

It's hard when your parents don't support you or understand mental illness. We have been through that with my BF family. They want him to just start being more healthy, exercise more, have a positive mental attitude and it will fix everything. Instead it's a chemical thing, like being diabetic. You can't help it. You can't tell a diabetic to just be healthier and their illness will go away. Maybe the symptoms will get a little more manageable but it's not going to go away.

Don't give up on getting help. There are organizations out there that can help you.

Hang in there,


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