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Loneliness is a strange thing. It implies that you are alone. I'm not, I have a husband and child at home. I more often have to search for solitude than companionship, but still I am lonely.

I hurt inside today. Just when I felt like everything was so good, the hurt came back. It's been brewing for a few days too. I could feel it. I've been dancing on the edge for several days now, and today I think the hurt has won out. I've been very strong trying to fight it, but today, I think I've given up. Hopefully not forever though. I hope I'll get myself back out. But right now, I'm in pain.

And recently, I've been feeling the loss of several people in my life (mother and sisters). My oldest son recently moved out on his own. People who mattered a great deal to me, yet, for reasons out of my control, they've moved on from me. I'd served my purpose with them, and they all no longer feel a need for my friendship. And it happened all at once. One right after the other. Gone. Just like that. And I knew it was coming too. I sensed it before it happened. They don't understand bipolar disorder or how it affects me and my actions. I so miss them, but there is nothing I can do to bring them back. It would not be the same anyway!

I think that this is why I attract such negativity to my life. Happy, fulfilled, well adjusted people have no need for me. It's the broken ones. The ones who are clinging to their last shred of hope. They seek me out. I don't look for them. They find me. And in the course of helping them and offering my friendship, I get attached. But they don't. They take what they need and then they leave. This is why it's so difficult for me to open myself up to people sometimes.

I have this overwhelming fear that everyone is going to leave me when I've served my purpose. After all, my history proves this to be true. Everyone walks away from me saying I'm a great friend and a wonderful person, yet they never look back. I become a pleasant memory to them, while I'm sitting there feeling the loss of yet another person in my life. I worry every single day that my husband will be next. I feel in my heart that he's different. He's not using me. He's not broken and desperate. What if I've done my job again? What if he wakes up one day and realizes that now that he's better, he can move on? My heart tells me that's a lie. Because he loves me. If he leaves, he'll be alone again. He says he won't do it. And I am trying so hard to believe him. But I'm scared of it happening anyway. The only comfort I have in this is that he's just like me. And I hope he won't be one of the ones who leaves me too. I've made so many mistakes in this life. I spent a long time medicating myself with drugs and alcohol, to ease the pain and the fear I carried inside of me. And the loneliness. I never felt as if I belonged here in this world.

This body doesn't belong to me anyway. It's borrowed. And sometimes it feels too small and confined. Sometimes I just want out of it. I know I can't do that though. If I do that, it's just another failure I've made as a person. I'm living two lives. I'm angel struggling to help people and make their lives better. But I'm also a person, and I have my own life, and I need to learn how to make that better for myself. I'm trying.

But the loss....it's just so great sometimes. For once, I'd like to make some ties to this earth and the people on it, so I don't feel such a need to escape this body and go back home. I need someone to keep me here. I need someone to anchor my soul here so it doesn't threaten to fly upwards back where it came from.

I hope I've found that in my husband. I feel like I have. I just have to trust that he won't leave me like the others. But it's so hard. I don't want history to repeat itself again. For once, just once, I want someone to stay with me. I want someone to comfort me. I want someone to take my pain. But in the end, I won't fly away. I'll stay. And together we can help each other. Forever. That's what I want...I just want a reason to stay.

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