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I'm giving myself anorexia

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First off, I have had anorexia before when I was 17/18, I weighed 92 pounds (Im 5 feet 9) and had to go into hospital for refeeding. The nurses caught me vomiting and confined me to bed with a commode and no visitors. It was hellish. I am not recommending anorexia as a fun joy ride for anyone. I do not surf pro-ana sites (any more) and for anyone trapped in the misery of ED, I can understand how hideous it is. I do not want to make thispost pro-ED, it is very specific to my set of circumstances and history

I am on Xenical/Orlistat for weight loss but I was pigging out on Chinese food with my ex plus Im on 25mg of Zyprexa. I went to get weighed. I was 14 stone. Im sure thats around 200 pounds. For those of you who know me around this board, you will know that I suffer from treatment resistant psychosis brought on originally by frying my brains with cannabis (it never went away when I stopped). I am quite functional (I have a part time clerical job, have done 3 degrees, doing a doctorate, written a book, work in my spare time as a Tarot consultant/palmist and Reiki Master/Crystal Healing Practitioner) but very disturbed by psychosis revolving around my last stay in a psych ward and my treatment by the nurses. I am convinced that they are continually reading my mind, performing black magic rituals to destroy me, inserting thoughts into my head, controlling my MP3 player and whispering messages through it. In general I think people are reading my mind, that the nurses are influencing them psychically and have magical powers. I think my thoughts can control situations and ordinary occurences take on significant meanings for me. I am functional, I love my mother very much. She had a nervous breakdown the last time I had a psychotic breakdown (September 07) and says she can not go through another one again. Some days I feel so brain sick I feel like curling up in bed and knocking myself out with pills forever. Basically, I live with severe psychosis and I am forced to put on a merry face because I live with my mother and if I mention the 'psychosis' word she gets hysterically worried and starts pacing the floor compalaining of palpitations and a sore chest like she's about to drop with a heart attack. So I have to keep up appearances

So a number of coincidences popped up this year - its an Olympic year, Its a UEFA championship year. I weigh a tonne. But the thing I remember most about anorexia is the 24 hour constant preoccupation with food. Whats the next meal? When can I eat it? Will it make me fat? I thought to myself, maybe this preoccupation with food would relieve me of my misery of psychosis. Its been 9 months since I was in the goddamn hospital and I can't stop obsessing and being paranoid about it and its doing me in. Whenever your weight drops below a certain level, all you can think about is food. Surely this would be better than being tormented by psychosis? I honestly can't see the nurse thing going away, every week, it just drives me crazier and crazier and I get more and moe deluded. Surely being obsessed with my weight and food would be a better alternative?

So I have started an extreme diet - less than 800 calories a day and even on Olanzapine, I have gone from 14 stone to 12 stone 13lbs in 3 weeks. I am utterly committed to what I am doing. And I know this sounds revolting to all of you who suffer genuine ED (though I do suffer genuine bulimia when eating normally) but I see this as my only way out of psychosis - the endless preoccupation with skininess and food.

blackbird x

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Obviously things are not going well. You are making very bad choices that will not help you or your mother in the end. You need to to see your Pdoc and therapist, be honest with them about the problem of your delusions, your delusions about the hospital, your obsession with starving yourself, and your mother's need for treatment as well.

best, a.m.

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I definitely understand the appeal of swapping addictions or obsessions. I've done that too. I quit one addiction but I just replace it with another addiction. I think it's quite common to do that.

Unfortunately though, it doesn't help in the long run. It just makes a bad situation worse.

You are not responsible for your mother's mental or physical health. But you are responsible for your own wellbeing. I really hope you can find a way to get some professional help with these issues.

Wishing you all the very best, blackbird!

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Just a little conserned, i really dont think that going down the anerexia route is going to help at all. It will drive you more crazy in the long run.

A 800kcal diet is really really low and dangerous. Especially if you on Xenical/Orlistat for weight loss. Did you get those prescibed, cause they should only be used on a short term and have awfull side effects, you got to be carefull with those. I hate hearing they giving those out, is their a reason you need to loose alot of weight that they gave them to you?

Luvies Ash

P.s I'm a dietetics student doing my finally internship year

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Guest_happy-snappy-rage-cry_*

Hey, just browsing and read your post. It reminds me of ... me too. Switching one "addiction" for another is one way to put it. Wanting the pain of one problem to end and so using what is historically a control/coping mechanism for you to make you feel better, or some hope or ... you know?

Anyways, imho no even though you may be doing damage control trying to switch the two I dont think it will work for you.

NOT eating also CAUSES psychosis, and can make it WORSE if its already present. You will not be able to use as much of your brain function as you can now, with food and are MUCH MORE liable to breakdowns and remissions into any/all problems. Mental and physical.

I do hope i made sense there. Its been on my mind lately too. Ive been back into a lot of chaos inside and thinking control my diet may give me a sort of "hold" on things but ... if there is any any any other coping mechanism you have t'would be better than one that can kill you

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