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Stuck in the mud...


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Okay, so maybe not petty. I know everyone has problems, but for some reason I have been wildly indulgent with my own emotions lately. Welcome to my pity party.

So, I was watching an infomercial the other day for a yoga tape. This older man said he was practicing yoga to become a more appropriate weight, but more importantly because he needs some duck oil. The oil ducks have on the feathers so water slides right off of their backs.

I need some holy freakin duck oil.

I am going through a very painful divorce (well I don't suppose divorces are ever a walk in the park). And I will be unemployed in a couple of months. 5 months ago, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to live with my husband in DC, we would work on the house we just bought, I would practice as an attorney and we would have children. Now, I am completely lost, but really listening to myself for the first time in years. It is scary. And I just need to grow a thicker skin.

It is strange, my husband never really understood what bipolar was. He never accepted my diagnosis, and whenever I talked to him about it, he would make me feel defective and broken. He would tell me that it was just a lack of mental discipline.

Part of me still thinks of myself that way, that I am just mentally lazy and indulgent. I look around at my apartment. I can barely get myself out of bed sometimes, sometimes I drink like a fish, I can't get myself to actually clean (unless it is 3:30 am). I went to see my new psychiatrist, he is VERY slow and very old school. And when I asked him about drug interactions, he got very defensive. I went to see him because I knew I was off. I hadn't really slept well for 2 weeks. I also mentioned that I was drinking more than usual. So we spent 45 minutes talking about how I am an alcoholic, and therefore a liar, and he prescribed me antabuse. And when I mentioned that I was concerned about the mania, he said we were out of time.

I am just very frustrated because I am able to take a big step back, and watch myself live my life, as if I am up on the ceiling looking down. And I know it could be easier. I see myself beating myself up for everything. I make one mistake and I am almost paralyzed for a few hours. I know that isn't logical. I know that I am competent. I know that things will be okay. But there is such a rift between what I know and how I feel.

Lately, I just have this feeling that my whole life has to change. Everything. Every part of it. I have been astray for so long. I forgot that I was creative and sexy and independent. I have this feeling that something bigger is on the horizon. But then I ask myself whether this feeling is just some manifestation of the classic manic grandiose thinking. Who knows.

Anyone else have trouble talking themselves around in circles? It is driving me nuts.

P.S. This is my first post, I am sorry it was so long.

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Damn. I can see why you are overwhelmed. Although it really sucks right now, how long would you go in life before his non accepting attitude became a huge problem? All of these are big things, not petty details. I also think that you are having trouble balancing being realistic about critiquing yourself and downright trashing yourself.

We all do stuff we aren't supposed to and that doesn't help us. It just adds to the list of things we need to work on. The thing that matters most is we are working towards a better life for ourselves. Not cleaning enough and being lazy are just more things to work on. But right now, maybe you should focus on the big issues you mentioned.

I'm sorry your life is sucking so much right now. If you aren't happy with your psychiatrist, find a new one. That is my motto. If they suck, out the door I go to someone else. I need a new one right now because mine sees patients in an assembly line. One in and out in 5 minutes with a script in their hand, then another goes in. Have you ever saw an individual therapist? I'm sure the right one would be helpful right now. Ok I'm going to stop rambling and pretending I have all the answers.

Good luck though. Hope you find your way through all this mess. ;)

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I don't see that there is suddenly anything different that suddenly needs fixing. What you are experiencing is the slow emergence from the grips of uncontrolled bipolar disorder. As you get better you will hopefully become less sensitive to minor slights and able to handle daily living on a more normal manner.

Two weeks of not sleeping well should be a red flag to your pdoc, but certainly drinking can affect that, not to mention your other personal problems. Cut out the drinking and if you don't improve sleep, get back to your pdoc.

Best, a.m.

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Welcome to the board! I'm new here also. I really think that you've come to the right place to help you with the support you need. I find that instead of beating myself up, I'll post the thing that is bothering me most in my head and once I type it out I feel better. Then, when the people here on the board comment it's therapeutic and most of the time better than listening to the crap I'd tell myself! I'm also finding I respect the opinions of the people here because unlike a therapist, they are living it just like me! (not that I don't have some respect for...pdocs...tdocs..for what they have to offer).

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WELCOME to the crazyboards. Become a member, as I have, and post often, and I must say, replying to other's posts is therapeutic.

Part of and a symptom of Bipolar is the loss of relationships. I'm on my third marriage and am getting used to sad goodbyes.

What is happening is you are finding out that this is a LIFELONG DISORDER, and you need to keep working with pdocs, for the rest of your life, as the meds they have often work, but just as often fail after a time.

So as you are learning about coping with this disorder, the disorder itself is morphing, so it is not easily understood by US, those suffering with Bipolar, much less our loved ones.

It's totally alien territory to "regular" people.

If you look at the lives of others with this illness, such as Abe Lincoln, or Vincent Van Gogh, it becomes clear that the illness first manifests itself as hypomania/ mild depression episodes in youth.

As decades pass, however, both the depression and mania, and the worst state: Dysphoria, (or a "mixed state", and very dangerous one at that) begin to take over.

The loss of treasured relationships brings you to an often lonely existance, and suicide among bipolars is a full 20%, compared to 10% of major depressives.

That's right, one out of five of us take our lives, usually smart, we don't "miss".... so it is absolutely CRUCIAL to have your pdoc watch and observe you, minimum every two weeks, upon changing meds. They know the signs and can pull you off a drug which might be feeding "bad thoughts".

It basically sucks. But there are other illnesses (cancer, parapalygia, etc) that are worse, so you need to focus on the BENEFITS of Bipolar, such as:

Being able to reach heights of success, vision, and creativity that most never achieve (we are the movers and shakers of world history) because "regular" people get tired, exausted, and we can be tireless.

As well as reaching depths of depression, emotional "lows" unimaginable to "regular" people.

They say you can't appreciate a beautiful day without rainy gray days to compare it to, well YOU my dear, as SPECIAL, and in fact BLESSED to share the stage of life with the likes of these:

You are in good company! If your husband is too shallow, or doesn't love you enough to be supportive and learn about this illness, he is simply NOT WORTH IT.

Your life is VALUABLE. Your experiences can give unimaginable insight to "regular" people.

Hang in there, and I will say a prayer right this minute for you.

~ Denise ;)

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