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Falling off the wagon


Guest Guest_Lost_Lonely_

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Guest Guest_Lost_Lonely_

Just in case, because anything can be for me ;):) :)

More for me, but feel free to comment. I will say th upside is that I have started writing again. I had been 6 months without SI. Total clean, no lapses.

Then (and of course there's a then) I slipped. Stupid call from student loan people. Hadn't been payin b/c I'd been bouncing between jobs and unemployment and mania and panic attacks and depression. Not to mention med changes, craziness in between, and a serious case of hoping it would all go away.

I cut after a call with the student loan people. It was in the middle of a parental visit (first time in 8 months) an I hoped it was just an overly stressed screwy thing. Then I cut again tonight and it was a relationship thing. Fighting and others.

I feel so empty. I fell ineffectual and weak. I fell like I'm not the person I could be. I feel like I should be better. Also, I feel so fucking stupid that the new scars on my leg will be obvious if I go swimming, and activity I love. I had been so good and the scars were faded. Now I'm screwed, especially since I had a nasty reaction to the bandage I applied for the first one. The stellar thing is that I now react to both fabric and plastic pre-made bandages. Classic.

I feel like my relation hip of 9 years is falling apart. I feel disconnected. I feel like the sex we just had was empty and meaningless. I feel like I could have got the same thing from a random guy I picked up at the bar, hell I could even wander down there now and find the exact same thing (but I won't). My SO already threated to leave over SI and I worry that this new bout will push him over the edge. I fucking worry out everything. the new med chne is only two weeks old and I think it's a good thing. Lithium can't be higher w/o being toxic, lamotrogine is gigantic given my size and clonazepam is at a decent level. AAPs and I don't play well together, nor do any anti-depressants. I'm running out of options given that the SI therapy groups are booked for the next few months.

Sorry, to ramble but I need to clarify things in my head. This is the est I can do after some seriously random poems. I'll go over them tomorrow and try to create something. Right now I think I need to pet a house rabbit and try to feel important in some life on this planet. Thank you for listening and probably understanding at least part.

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Firstly, the bunny needs you. Hang in there!

Secondly, in my view, whatever gets you through the short trm shit is worth it. If you always and constantly SI in response to this set of issues, it will not do you good, as you know. But if the other support is not there, and SI gets you safely to other support in future, then try not to shame yourself about it.

If I were in you shoes, I'd see a doctor. Your med sitation may be bleak, but there may be an option that has not been considered before. Your pdoc may prescribe something now, that they would not before. I'd also show the student loan letter to a trusted friend, get their help in speaking to that organistion, and see if a payment plan is possible.

As for you relationship, you feel stressed and desperate, and that is not a good time to make decisions. So hold off ending it or being unfaithful. If you have this sort of relationship, myb you could sit with your SO, tell them what has led to this SI, and enlist their help in sorting this out, on the understaning you will avoid SI in future. That is what I would do. SO's can be very patient with you if you show willing to cope in other ways.

You seem to know what has led you here, that it wasn't ideal, and you want to avoid that in future. I think that is great progress. You are in a time of hardship, you need your own friendship, not condemnation.

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