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Guest Happy Happy Rage Hurt

I have a pdoc, a therapist, and a family clinic.

I take 150 WB SR 2 x day

.5 clonazepam with it to keep heart rate anxiety down

started clomipramine a few months ago for ruminating and obseesive thoughts/compulsions and

now take 140mg/day. 30am, 30pm, 80 bedtime.

The last 6 months my depression has gotten hugely worse,

suicidal at times,

uncontrollable crying/sobbing.

Sleep has gone to shit. nightmares/waking/nightmares/waking etc.

HUGE angry outbursts at people when i am ancious.

I dont see these outbursts coming, i just SNAP. RAGE IS ALL i can feel, well and fear bc i dont exactly KNOW ...why why why I am soooo angry?

What the hell is happeneing to me????

Only other tiome i ever felt even close to this was shortly before i hospitalized bc i hadnt slept more than an hour a night for a couple months, was APPARENTLY a total BITCH according to fam/friends ... but was freakin super mommy, super housewife etc.

and even that doesnt compare to the rage i feel now

I have ruined my relationship i believe. Only good relationship i have ever known. I love him. I really love him.

I even raged in front of the kids.

I dont know what to do/say/ or even ask. Feel very confused.

what the hellis wrong with me???? Will i EVER be able to stop this shit????????

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When was the last time you changed your medications [dosage or the medication itself]?

Do you think it's possible one of them has something to do with it? Has CBT helped at all with recognizing the beginnings of rages? If not and you haven't been working on this, you may want to ask your therapist about it.

I think a lot of us have ragey periods. Tempers can be difficult to control for some of us, and one of the things we can do is to not be too hard on ourselves for it. Anger is OK. Getting pissed off is seriously OK. But it's what you do with the anger. Trying to stop yourself from being angry is going to make the struggle harder.

I had a lot of anger/temper/blow up issues before topamax. It's helped a lot. You DO learn how to get through it and process your anger. It takes time and patience and a lot of learning but you can do it.

And the Klonopin doesn't sound like it's working. OR it could be contributing to your depression. And the Wellbutrin could possibly be contributing to your anxiety.

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Guest Happy Happy Rage Hurt

Thanks for your reply LunaR. :) I have been un/mis/not diagnosed but definately depressed since i was 12. I am 30 now.

I started actually wanting /realizing i needed to work at "me" and not just medicate, a few years ago, and have done a variety of therapies. CBT, DBT, mindfullness, crisis survival skills, interpersonal skills is next ... among MANY many many med-changes throughout the years. ANd I see a tdoc regularily. I also completed the ptsd program at Homewood in guelph, on.

I am still working on this, Im sure it will be a lifelong process and a well worthwhile one .... but I am very confused still at the anger.

Anger over stupid things like putting something down, stop making that noise, stop talking, be quiet, walking around not doing anything but feeling like i am doing 10 things wrong and need to get them right before i can relax, yellin at the kids to do what i asked, NOW, IN THE ORDER I ASKED< HOW I ASKED WHERE I ASKED ... like a drill sargeant I quote from someone else here.

But its irratic. Not steady, not seemingly related to much but lack of sleep. I am intolerably venomous Ive been told. Like I change into a different person.

Clonazepam just keeps my heart rate, low enough and palipitation free. Reduces the shaky weeeooooo feeling from the wellbutrin. wellbutrin and manerix are the ONLY 2 antid's (out of many many )that have EVER helped in the slightest with the depression/energy/chronic pain) I use lorazepam for PRN, and lately an extra clonazepam bc i ran out.

Temazepam for sleep 4 x week. In hopes to smooth my edges .....

I am making appt w pdoc but want to be sure to describe this accurately to him I am soooo scared i will mess up like if he asks how long its been for and i dont know or ....

15 years of NO ONE hitting the spot makes me doubt anyone ever will fully DIAGNOSE me. and scared shitless that someone finally WILL!!

Any one good with medical terminology?? Can we name that tune? Lol, what is happeneing to me?

Is this too irratic to be bipolar?

Is this too depressed to be manic?

Is this too long to be mixed?

Am I too chiccken to change meds again for good reason?

If i tweak my brain anymore i am afraid im going to drown in the deep end!

What exactly do i tell him? WHat do I ask him?

oops! p.s. only med change is upping clomipramine slowly throughout last few months. The rages started before the meds, along with worsening depression as we go on. Meds dont seemed to have done anything but stop ruminating over the same ol' negative shit for hours. Now I can do it over 29000654 different things for hours ;)

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You need to emphasize these symptoms to your pdoc, in a calm, descriptive manner, but make him understand that you are at a critical point and need his attention and action.

As a personal aside, the snapping into raginess while depresed following sleep deprevation could very well fit into the Bipolar spectrum, and would probably be referred to as a Mixed episode.

Hang in there.

a.m.

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Guest happy happy rage cry

"You need to emphasize these symptoms to your pdoc, in a calm, descriptive manner, but make him understand that you are at a critical point and need his attention and action.

As a personal aside, the snapping into raginess while depresed following sleep deprevation could very well fit into the Bipolar spectrum, and would probably be referred to as a Mixed episode.

Hang in there"

Thanks a.m. I'll try. I'm so afraid to say the wrong thing sometimes that I dont say enough to him for him to fully understand.

I guess the stigma of being MI but also being a mom makes me worry that I wont be considered a good mom and my kids dont have anyone else.

Current/ex bf also keeps using the MI as the whole reason we are not getting along and I feel kinda crazy trying to decide if hes right, or if hes using it as a scapegoat for everything. Grrr...so confused. I hate doubting my own head!

Mixed episode hmm. pdoc was thinking more ocd than bp before but now ... maybe he'll be suggesting the lithium he was debating before.

Can you take lithium with WB, clon,lor, tem-azepam and clomipramine? Lol, maybe i should go to the cocktail board

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Getting pissed off is seriously

OK. But it's what you do with the anger. Trying to stop yourself from

being angry is going to make the struggle harder.

That's outstanding advice. It's pretty difficult to change your emotions. You can, however, change the events leading up to those emotions and your reactions to them. (i.e. avoiding stressful situations and learning to hold it in until you can find a positive outlet.)

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Guest happy happy rage cry

Tx all, working on the whole mindfulness approach, and really really really struggling with positive outlets. ALOT. laying in bed sobbing,hands clenched through hair, teeth clenched so bad im afraid im doing damage, stomach so tight i must have core strength of a tiger by the end of this! Screaming, moaning, sobbing yelling ... cant quite do anything 'positivly' even walking is hard. getting up first is harder.

The urge to selfharm,smash stuff, (good stuff like stuff i wouldnt ever want broken) makiing myself sick ...

and finally taking a pill to TRY to help calm me enough I can USE my own techniqes .......... is getting harder and harder...

The more I think about it, the more I agree with my bf/ex bf that I need help. Like hospitalize me help. Help with the kids. Help with meds. Help w sleep.

Shit. Damn. I didnt want him to be right. But this is too much for me to keep going with for much longer before i implode/explode dangerously.

To top it off I just remembered something I did in a fit of rage that I feel TOTALLY COMPLETELY HUMILIATED , confused and sorry about. I cant believe i would ever even come close to doing that.

mixed episodes mess with your memory much???? I am being told quite a bit the last month/two 3 .. that things happened differently than i remembered. scary.

still holding

hhrc

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Mindfulness is a wonderful concept, but what you are describing goes far, far, beyond the point of you "allowing" your emotions to get out of control. Again, you need to be completely honest with your pdoc, and make him understand how disabling this is. The memory lapses need to be brought up as well.

a.m.

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I have been bipolar forever. This "rage" is just been happening to me for the last year or so. It's so bad, it's almost primal. I am not sure my doctor is understanding how bad it is. I have never, ever been like this before. I definitly don't like me. Been on all the meds. Gained 30 lbs. Not okay!!! Starting over from scratch with new doc...weight neutral meds. Hope my family can wait this out.

I really empathize with all of you who feel this horrible rage. I never knew that it was part of this lovely bipolar mix. Most members of my family are bipolar. My mother was a scary mean irrate woman. I feel like I am turning into her. This sucks!!!

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We batshitt-ers seem to almost universally want to "please" or pdocs by saying all the right things (or none of the wrong things) and act oh-so -nice. Note: THIS DOES NOT WORK. He is gettting paid (by someone) to listen to all your shit and then help.

We have said it before, but it bears repeating--print out these conversations if nothing else, and give them to him. If you are the nice sweet, well-mannered person you think you are supposed to be, then how is he supposed to help you? He has no clue who you really are, or what is tearing you up inside.

Keep a journal for a few days--even a week will help. Write down all the shit--don't worry about proper sentence structure and all that crap--just write, but try to do it at least every day, or when things change, or you feel realy bad/rageful/angry/etc. Then let him read that.

He can't help you if he doesn't know you--and we all have to get over being afraid that we are so horrible and ugly inside (else why would we behave this way??) that no one will understand, or care, or help--and they sure won't love us.

Hang in there--but try to spend some time writing out your feelings--maybe before you do some meditation, which is super and way-helpful. And will help you finish getting the stress out after you write it out.

We;re here, write often and just rant, or cry or babble--we have all done all those things, and know we will again, sooner or later.

Blesssings, china

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Guest happy happy rage cry

but make him understand that you are at a critical point and need his attention and action.

Well, I went to the hospital finally, and was actually treated like a human! I was sooooo scared to go to the one closest to me with a mental health ward bc of VERY traumatic things happpeneing there before, The Dr. Said, bot likely the clomipramine, did I really want to stay in hospital long weekend(canada day) but kept me overnite and did bloodwork.

Sigh.. almos t wishing i hadve stayed but my kids ... and my relationship(if I still have one) need some attention. Still in shock how humainly I was treated and will never by choice go to another hospital again!

;) laying in bed sobbing,hands clenched through hair, teeth clenched so bad im afraid im doing damage, stomach so tight i must have core strength of a tiger by the end of this! Screaming, moaning, sobbing yelling ... cant quite do anything 'positivly' even walking is hard. getting up first is harder. The urge to selfharm,

[

Mindfulness is a wonderful concept, but what you are describing goes far, far, beyond the point of you "allowing" your emotions to get out of control. Again, you need to be completely honest with your pdoc, and make him understand how disabling this is. The memory lapses need to be brought up as well.

Thankyou, I agree that the feelings I am getting, even if over rational things ..... are of totally irrational proportion. I am unable to Allow anything but what is there. Que sera sera.. I told him how bad it was, I hope, I mean I hope i desribed it acurately but my bf tells me no wonder I dont get better I dont tell the drs everything still" Doc paused on the memory lapses. Asked me to get bf to call him and to come in before he left. Bf couldnt make it from work in time.

^_^

It's so bad, it's almost primal

I definitly don't like me........I really empathize with all of you who feel this horrible rage...........This sucks!!!

It does suck!!! and ty for your empathy. Primal it feels too. screaming into my pillow I dont think I woke the neigbours...

seem to almost universally want to "please" or pdocs by saying all the right things (or none of the wrong things)
...
He can't help you if he doesn't know you--and we all have to get over being afraid that we are so horrible and ugly inside (else why would we behave this way??) that no one will understand, or care, or help--and they sure won't love us.

:(:P:) for some reason these all seem "acceptable" to tell the doc but not :) I am afraid of him seeing what is really me, really inside. Youve put it in words that mean alot to me. Im sure many many others can empathize. I know Ive been doing it for about 14 of 15 yrs in the mental health system!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest happy happy rage cry

...Still raging, not so much racing .. i look like shit, cant tolerate aanything stressful, even unstressful but slightly ... bothersome without going into full fledged ... i dont even know.

Docs next try is lithim but ... ive alaready scared my bf, only close friend away, and family. If i change meds again Im sooooooooooo scared ill get worse before i get better that im very very reluctant to try it.

not to mention..... lithium scares the hell out of me

I think i am wishing i am bipolar, BPD's get a bad rep for being 'sick' "on purpose" or for attention....

I never thought id wish for rapidcycling bipolar ...

Anyone else out there get the mostly bpd symptoms but a possibility could be bipolarrapid cycling. What are the main differences between a BAD manic, and a bpd Rage????? Anyone have a reference for figuring that out?

sorry, havnt even had coffee, hope i make sense

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I am sotta classified as BP II and when I cycle, its very rapid--often 2-4 times a day. Very exhausting. I never really go full-bllown manic, or have rages, but just hyper and anxious and irritable as hell and totally miserable. I talk to myself and pace around and get fixated on something, and goddess forbid I should break something during this little "phase"--that sends me totally over the edge. Usually, tho,. I can take a couple of Klonopin and try to sleep or at least lie down, and it goes away pretty quick. Sometimes, tho, I just bounce allthe way down to depression. And this can happen to me several times a day, if things are really shitty--I had a job about 4 years ago, where I had 2 or 3 "episodes" a day--it was a nightmare.

I am on Tegretol as a mood stabalizer, only I can take. The "mixed episodes" which is what I think this is called, have pretty much decreased when I am on that.

You get to the point when you are batshsit that often people, even those close to you who love you, can't understand all the changes, and think you are "faking" or its "all in your head" (duh!!) or sometimes--"If you wouldn't take all those pills you'd be fine". Just keep talking to your pdoc--give him these entries if, like me, you always want to please him and make believe you are just peachy. I dont know why we feel the need to do that, but we do---and I have always been better at writing down my feelings than talking about them.

Hang in there, kiddo, and keep working on this--sometimes it takes a while to get the right mix of things. As someone once said about meds, "Your mileage may vary" and you may have to work on doseages, etc. Don't give up--let your BF read some of the things people have written here about how it feels to be BP/Batshit. Maybe that willhelp.

blessings,

china

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Guest Guest

tx china,

about earlier .. when i asked about differences between "bpd vs bpmixed" I failed to look for the answer before my entry and now feel a wee bit duh ..

Anyways, anyone have any new references to the differences op[inions welcome. I would like to have a very educated chat with pdoc before i try something like lithium.

Took bf to my tdoc, she heard his version of whats going on with me, instead of me making it smoother around the edges to 'please' her better.

She had very obviously already decided her own diagnosis. Not to him, but to someone whos read up as much as we here do, I knew why and what it added up to before she was done asking.

So...it is here i unnviel, her "theory" bpd with high anxiety, depression, sleep disorder ... etc, pseudo-etc lol

or its "all in your head" (duh!!) or sometimes--"If you wouldn't take all those pills you'd be fine".

lmao that last part caught me, sounds just like my family lol .... and ive even done 2 complete washouts ... and told them/showed them look its not so fun without either.

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Guest happy not so, rage cry

ooh i forgot, my mom wants me to be hypogycemic instead too! I do have almost every symptom on any given list for it but ... regular blood sugar testing keeps coming back normal

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