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;):):)^_^

:P:(:(:(

I've been weighing the pros and cons of staying alive. The main reason I haven't died is because my 10 year old daughter and I are very close and I don't want her to lose that. Frankly I could give a shit about how I feel although I love her very much. I know I'm contradicting myself here.

The list of cons is long but among them I'm tired of my life being ruled by docs and meds. I take up to 15 meds a day. The side effects and interactions are just as bad as my illnesses. My pdoc has his arms tied. We have tried literally almost every drug out there. Nothing seems to work or has horrid side effects even at low dosages. I go out driving and watch all these lemmings running around doing god knows what useless and meaningless things. Then I turn into traffic and go on doing my own useless and meaningless stuff. There's a lot of other stuff but this seems to get to me the most: The futility of existence in the first place.

This is more of a vent than a cry for help. I have to consider my daughter and yes I would go straight to ER if I need to. I have to remember that her missing me for a few weeks is better that forever.

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I have to consider my daughter and yes I would go straight to ER if I need to. I have to remember that her missing me for a few weeks is better that forever.

I know the siren song of suicidal ideation very well, and I'm so glad that you have your daughter to consider. You simply must stay alive for her. I'm proud of you for hanging in there for her. She would be permanently and very deeply wounded if you chose the other path. I was very close to my Dad growing up, and I cannot imagine the fathomless abyss of pain and grief, if he had chosen to leave me.

Don't do it. Stay alive.

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hi, jeff

you & I both know that there are so many ppl here that can relate to how you feel.

I am very happy that you do realize the impact it would have on your daughter if something happened to you.

you just have to realize that you are not alone in this journey

I know how the med changes can make you feel - I know I have been thru many myself

just hang in there and remember there is a rainbow for you.......

;)

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I have rushed to the brink,

many times.

using my philosophy

in growing Bonsai,

I know,

you cut a limb it's gone,

ah fuckit maybe next year.

for myself,

the day, minute, hour,

staying alive,keeps happening,

death is rather final,

and you miss the drama.

I have no better advice,

even the miserable and non-existent

relationship with my son,

is better than...............

what the blackness forever?

And it's slowly killing me anyway.

time to obliterate the feeling

rather than checking out.

Self meds calling.

tomorrow will come to me as it may.

Stasis

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I have 4 daughters..spaced very far apart. I think there was a plan in that. Someone somewhere knew I'd need someone other than myself and all that goes on in my head to focus on..

I dread when they all leave home and I won't have their anchoring presence.

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sdjeff, I know where you are. I am there too. It is really tough. I don't know what else to say. I hope you and i both feel better soon. at least you know you are not alone in feeling/not feeling this way.

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Thanks everyone. It is hard but I will go through anything for my daughter. Like I said, I'd rather she miss me for a few weeks instead of an eternity.

Today is better though. And I get to pick up my daughter in about an hour or so.

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SDjeff,

Life may not always be fair and just, but I do believe that courage like yours will bring a blessing in the end. I have you in my thoughts. I will check this thread and see how you have got on.

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