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Who else am I to complain about besides my mother?

Yeah, she's my roommate. One of them, at least... the other one's my father. But she's the borderline roommate that causes a lot of problems with me as I'm borderline, as well.

(Background: I am very ill with a neurological and body-wide infection that has left me with a constant fever, some degree of dementia, and of course, unable to complete more than a couple hours' worth of tasks a day, leaving me with no job (until I find something that can go unscheduled). I do not enjoy this, and neither do my parents. And Mom likes to let me know the latter fact rather often, although it's possible she tries to do to the contrary. At least she's said she'd try, though she's not all that reliable at it. And then there's my mental illness atop all this shit, of course.)

So, the problem is practical, really. She ("unintentionally") has a tendency to inform me rather often that I'm a financial burden on the family. This is the psychological equivalent of a butcher's knife right through my sternum, as I'd rather not be in their house, or anywhere within 300 miles of it, for that matter. (n.b. - I'm waiting for my SSDI letters to be submittd and trying to budget out the $750 per month they estimate will be my income.) Now, I thought she would grow up (she's only 19 years my senior), but apparently not, so far. She appears to still be acting my age, if a bit younger.

In any event, as I said, her little misfilial rants don't exactly make me happy, and she's "unaware" of the fact she's made them (granted, she is HFA-spectrum like me and doesn't know how to use words on occasion -- but unfortunately, she's also dumb as a fucking brick). When I threatened her with a ;) planned suicide several months in advance, she said she'd stop with that, well, trigger of mine.

But today, for example, she went right back to her old ways and picked a very ill-timed time to criticize me, mainly whilst I was driving, and she was in the passenger seat. Let's just say I gave her practical examples of my car's 60-0 MPH stopping abilities and 0-60 MPH acceleration abilities, in that order (for what it's worth, they're both, especially the latter, reasonably convincing). She's sensitive to intense physical stimuli (especially motion), so it's as if I deliberately did it to piss her off. Well okay, it was deliberate, and it did shut her pathetic mouth for the rest of the trip.

Inevitably, though, as much in reciprocation I act like an asshole towards her, she comes back to me crying about how much she loves me and then tells me I'm too sensitive to handle even her most gentle commentary, and tells me that I must let her let out her emotions in front of me (?!?!?!). That's when I go from black mode to gray mode, from despising her to feeling like my relationship with her is rocky/tenuous. Then she does "it" again within a few days, and back to black mode I go, often with its attendant mixed-state behavior.

So much for "once you go black, you'll never go back".

Spoken negotiations have failed to yield any results (and result only in empty in promises). She doesn't see anything particularly triggery about my behavior, and says that her commentary is "factual and generall", despite knowing full well by example tht it pisses me off to the point of wanting to off myself.

Maybe I should go black and never come back. Easier for this borderline here to handle, anyways.

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Oh man. I don't know what you can do about your mom, but kudos to you for even getting up every morning (or whenever!) and handling every day.

A genuine thank you for the supportive words.

Fortunately, my mother works 4-5 days per week (8 hours per day). I guess I don't quite get up "in the morning" (these days it's closer to 10-11AM), and as a defense mechanism, avoid both of my parents at virtually all times.

Much like Mom comes crying to me after every time she "accidentally" insults me, she's doting in general, and likes to bug me as if I'm her only friend, as if she's totally forgotten about her co-worker friends, as well as her much better relationship with my father/her husband. Sometimes this can also lead to her pointing out I'm a drain on the financial resources, and the black/gray situation happening all over again.

So far, I'm about 24 hours 'black' after that incident. When she comes back from work (inevitably apologies are likely; we'll see), I suppose I should maintain my 'oath' of silence against her. Preferably for several days (or indefinitely; after 25 years of this and various other severe insults (and lies to boot), a man can only take so much). I hope she doesn't call from work today, that'd result in an inevitable hang-up, which is not constructive if you're trying to make it through a work day.

And pay for my leeching expenses, apparently.

CHA-CHING!

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