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Hi, echo. Life really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Welcome to Crazyboards, and feel free to write more about what part of your life is particularly sucky right now.

Many of us have been down in that pit, so you will have sympathetic listeners here.

I hope you write again.

olga

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Hi, echo. Life really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Welcome to Crazyboards, and feel free to write more about what part of your life is particularly sucky right now.

Many of us have been down in that pit, so you will have sympathetic listeners here.

I hope you write again.

olga

thanks olga!! here's the blog i wrote earlier.. it's long. sorry.

i meant to post it in a topic not a blog but nooby fucked up.... bon apatite!

For the past month or so - and getting worse all the time - I have been thinking about death, a lot. Particularly my own. I think of suicide often. And it all stems mostly to my body dysmorphism disorder, and overall feelings of worthlessness. The main relationship issues I have are a result of my self worth or lack there of. And the negaticity i am constantly feeling about my body. I think the worst part is that because every time I try to express my feelings my SO gets upset, I have been holding shit in.

oh wait I should rewind.......

In February I became seriously involved with a man I was seeing. Prior to that, I had been engaged once (for all the wrong reasons). I was living alone at the time and living very selfishly. I was going through a transformation of sorts, because my life was changing. I lost my father in December '07, He was my life, and the only family I really ever knew, I lost like 65 lbs (to which i have gained back about 15 -ugh) and literally started a new job the week i became serious with my current SO. (since then that job did not work out and I made the decision to return to my previous field of work - 'nother story for 'nother time)

I rushed into things with the SO and live with him now. i beat myself up about it a lot. I feel like I'm smothering him, but when ever I attemt to give us space by going out in the yard he doesnt want me to go away. but when i'm too close he literally shakes me off of him sometimes, I never seem to have the right timing with him and it, on top of a million other things, just makes me feel like shit. uh am i allowed to say shit here?

I went from living a very selfish life, and a life mostly of solitude (i was hanging out with shitty people and decided along the lines of "you are the company you keep" to trim the fat from my social life, and i cut ties with most of the people i hung out with socially) so except work I was pretty much always alone, except for the occasional lay from the ex fiance. which stopped in december too because he fucked my at-the-time "best-friend" - this super skinny pretty angelina jolie looking model. perfect. So I just worked, worked out, and went home. and I actually liked it because I didnt have to constantly hold my body in a way where i was looking thin or my belly wasnt pudging over my belt and holding my head in a way to minimize any possible apperance of a double chin, and actually holding my breath for extended periods of time when people would look at me.

oh i should mention that before thius current SO, I never had sober sex. ever. too self consious to even take my shirt off unless i was plastered, and then i did it a little too much/with the wrong people.

So basically what I have done now is base almost 100% of my self worth on my love-in SO. and he is FANTASTIC, i hate that my pessism paints him in the completely wrong way. the good far far far outweighs the bad but the bad sticks to me like superglue. but for some reason his "fantasticness" i speak of is not enough. I have become a clingy GF and I hate myself for that too.

I find that while we do spend a lot of time physically together, emotionally the quality of the time we spend together is lacking. and i need more attention. but for your average sane girl i'm sure he gives me more then my fair share. but i feel like if i ask him for more or say that i am having a bad day and ask him to bump me up on his priority list - he'll say something like "i'm never enough for you, we've been together all day" (with his lap-top on in his lap while he's on some website talking about shit that i am becoming resentfull of, his music, and again, i hate myself for that. I feel like if i was skinner or prettier or shorter or if my head wasnt so big and my skin was more clear he would pay more attention to me. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because of his passion for music, and now i'm starting, like i said, to resent it. and i cant stop myself from going there.

This negative relationshit started with him experiencing a minor bout of depression in late april, which lead to him having lunch with his ex. This particular ex i ave always had constant fears, and nightmares of him leafing me for her. His other ex girlfriends i actually get along with wonderfully, Anyway this lunch he had with her, and hid from me, really broke me down. I admit I fucked up by building my self worth from him. The way I learned of the lunch was finding an email of naked pics of her petite little perfect body in his email bin (and i was only there because he was logged on my computer and i wanted to see if he deleted the sex tape he made with her that he still had saved in his email, which he didnt, but i shouldnt have been snooping and i got what i asked for.

Now I am at this point where I feel I can not express to him that I am dissatisfied with us and also overwhelmed. because when i go anywhere near the subject he gets upset. He thinks that because we are always together that that is enough. but i would take a drastic cut in the actual amount of time we spend together, to experience higher quality time with him. I wish he would open up more to me. I just want to feel pretty like he used to make me feel, the way he made me feel and for brief moments sometimes still does, is a feeling that I crave more then anything. i hate feeling like this about myself and it's killing us.

I'm trying to be proactive, as soon as someone who is storing stuff in our sun room comes and gets it i will be moving a recliner and a coffee table in there for myself. in hopes that maybe a little space will help. i'm going to insist on time apart even though we live together

He's terrific, i dont know why it's not enough. I just always feel like I am working at our relationship and he's just in it. I am constantly doing things for him and for us, and it feels like no matter how much good I do, he still has a short fuse with me and I feel, especially since he had contact with his Ex, that I have dropped significantly on his priorities. I feel like that is partly due to the way he talks about the way he was with her before she cheated on him and he became jaded. I feel like it's kind of a tease look into what I cant have because of something out of my control.

Another thing is that he hasnt told his family about me, and we live together. I must give him credit, he was not on speaking terms with his family for the first couple months ago. but now, his sister's birthday is coming up and he's thinking about leaving town to go (without me). He's from a few hours away, originally, and i always go home with him when he goes there to see his friends. The reason he doesnt tell his fam about me is (so he says) because he doesnt want them to think he's jumping into this relationship like he did with his ex (the lunch date) because when that ended he turned into something bad for a while (the reason he wasnt talking to his fam for the first couple months of dating) and he doesnt want them to think that about him and me. but it is what it is and him hiding it from them just makes me feel like he is ashamed of us. but he tells me he loves me, wants to spend his life with me, and says things like "if i didnt love you i wouldnt have asked you to move in" and stuff.

I dunno. I just feel so terrible. I am in constant fear of losing him, but when i express that to him he says it pushes him away and that he wants me to be confident. but how can i be confident when my good deeds go unrecognized and i am hidden from his family.

i have also been out of work for a couple weeks and i'm really stuck in my head. the job i left was boring as hell too there was nothing to do there, but think all day long. and now i am here thinking, overthinking. all. day. long. I begin my new job on June 30 (monday)

i need to get out of the house and make more friends. I live in a big city but i dont have a lot of money, i dont want to meet people at the bars. I feel like getting out of myself will help. but i'm 25 it's a weird age, i am over the college thing, but i'm not ready to have tea parties and playdates. I have no children. I just hate the fact that I feel like people are always staring at me and thinking about how discusting i am.

I just feel like shit. all the time, and i'm sick of it. And I feel like i am constantly working on making myself better and being a better person all around, but i feel like i cant ever catch up.

People always say I'm a good looking girl too and i know what other people see but i feel like that movie shallow hal, but in reverse, I feel like the whole world sees this pretty, smart, successfull, thin, well-put-together girl. but when i look in the mirror I feel like i'm sucking in a million pounds of worthless junk. I have severe body dysmorphism and death often seems like a better way to live then this. and no one understands. I have thought about becoming bulimic or annorexic just to gain some control over something. but i'm too chicken, maybe just too smart.

Another tid bit of info about me is that i was 4'11" in kindergarden and 6'1" by the time i was going into the 6th grade. psychologically being that big when you're such a little girl takes a toll.

fun fact #125,679 - I was molested by my evil half sister when I was young, and my other half sister and biological mother knew of it and did nothing. My mom neglected the shit out of me as a child, and I have massive hatred and black resentments that fill me up as a result of those 3 women.

I just wish with all the work i do that i would see some results. I have been doing Dr. Stephen Covey's 7 steps of highly effective people. but i cant get past step 1. all the "deposits" i make into people's "emotional bank account" seem to be zero'd out when i unintentionally fuck up. It's hard for me to accept that people are going to get upset with me and that's ok. I always think people are going to end up seeing me the way I see me and then leave me. (friends, lovers, professional relationships....)

People are forever telling me that I am too hard on myself. yet those very same people get pissed at me when I am just trying to do the right thing or make a mistake.

everything is so fucking overwhelming. it's this constant pile up of shit, and my plate is full.

^^^^^^^my earlier blog/ shitty things.

funny thing is a few hours later now and i have a million other things that are eating at me

i'm REALLY getting a lot our of reading crazyboards though. thank you again for the kind words.

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hello ms. echo-

um, you might as well be my twin - in your thoughts, experiences, the boyfriend stuff...even the tattoos. there are so many, that it's kind of scary. I can understand so much of what you are going through.

I have to say that seeing a therapist and not just a pdoc and taking meds, is what is helping with my self esteem and body issues - plus working on getting past the molestation and rapes. All of those thing have been 23 years in the making for me, so the fact that I have started to feel better with just a couple of months of therapy says a lot about the power of a great therapist.

- blue

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hello ms. echo-

um, you might as well be my twin - in your thoughts, experiences, the boyfriend stuff...even the tattoos. there are so many, that it's kind of scary. I can understand so much of what you are going through.

I have to say that seeing a therapist and not just a pdoc and taking meds, is what is helping with my self esteem and body issues - plus working on getting past the molestation and rapes. All of those thing have been 23 years in the making for me, so the fact that I have started to feel better with just a couple of months of therapy says a lot about the power of a great therapist.

- blue

but i dont have blue eyes so there!

there's so much more going down in my dome. i cant get it out. i felt like an ass just writing all of that, and that isnt even the tip of the iceberg. but i'm fairly certian you understand *hug*

thank you most kindly for reading my nuttyness and replying, it actually means a lot... as i havent really said a lot of this shit out loud to anyone but the old tdoc (and that honestly didnt do shit for me) although, after being on this message board all night i think it's time to resume therapy.

that or jump out the window

but i live on the first floor so all that would accomplish is the BF getting mad because i will inevitibly break everything possible on the wau out (the window, the frame, my ass...)

XO

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Hi,

I moved in with my fella about eight weeks ago, and even though we have a relationship that is probably my healthiest and best yet, we have issues around closeness and space. I was very independent like you, and it can bring it's own pitfalls. I either need too much time, or I am not around enough. We are learning the times when it's okay to go off and do our own thing and the times when we want to be close. That takes time and learning.

Maybe seeking out a counsellor or therapist would give you someone neutral to talk to, outside of your life, that you wouldn't have to see on the regular. I also have a hobby that I am really passionate about (knitting, geeky I know) and it means I can sit in the same room as my fella, and knit while he watches TV and we still feel we have spent an evening in each others company, even if we didn't talk or touch very much.

I find that when my boyfriend is drained from my needing closeness and feeling like he cannot satisfy me, the more reassuance and compliments I can give about what he does do, the better.

This all sounds really difficult stuff, BDD is a really consuming disorder and your boyfriend having lunch with an ex is upsetting.

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Hi,

I moved in with my fella about eight weeks ago, and even though we have a relationship that is probably my healthiest and best yet, we have issues around closeness and space. I was very independent like you, and it can bring it's own pitfalls. I either need too much time, or I am not around enough. We are learning the times when it's okay to go off and do our own thing and the times when we want to be close. That takes time and learning.

Maybe seeking out a counsellor or therapist would give you someone neutral to talk to, outside of your life, that you wouldn't have to see on the regular. I also have a hobby that I am really passionate about (knitting, geeky I know) and it means I can sit in the same room as my fella, and knit while he watches TV and we still feel we have spent an evening in each others company, even if we didn't talk or touch very much.

I find that when my boyfriend is drained from my needing closeness and feeling like he cannot satisfy me, the more reassuance and compliments I can give about what he does do, the better.

This all sounds really difficult stuff, BDD is a really consuming disorder and your boyfriend having lunch with an ex is upsetting.

THANKS!

yeah i the too-much/not-enough game is getting old.

we talked a bit last night but i wound up crying and then he got all comforting.

i hate that it takes me getting to that point untill he is nice. he sat in the same room as me for 5 hours last night and didnt say a word... not because he was mad, because he was on his computer.

him going with the ex - the worst part - he blamed it all on me ;)

i need a hobby, well i paint, but i havent been very compelled to do that these days.

i also think i need more friends to talk to, but it's so hard to make friends when i dont leave the house. i dont know if i mentioned it earlier but in the last 2 and a half weeks i left the house 2 times, once to get food, and once to get booze. other then that i have been in here.

it's really hard to leave when i'm feeling like this because i just keep thinking to myself things like i mentioned "if i was; skinnier, shorter, smarter, my noes was smaller, my tummy was flatter, my ankles were thinner, if i was sexier, he would pay attention to me."

he called me beautiful last night for the first time in a very long time.

he asked me why i always have the covers on if i'm sweating hot in bed... i replied "because i'm discusting" and he pulled me close to him and said "come here beautiful" - once again, not enough, i felt like he only said that because he was prompted. and i felt so bad for him having to share a bed with such a pile of shit.

sorry i'm ranting again.

but anyway

thank you.

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It sounds like you're in a pretty deep depression, and I doubt you'll ever be satisfied with the support other people can offer. I'm familiar with the feeling, and when I'm depressed, I'm not happy unless I can drag someone else into the depression with me. (Obviously very unhealthy for all involved parties) It's just something that comes along with the depression. I don't think you'll fix your depression by only talking it out with other people. You probably need to find a good medication combination and then see if you can get the support you feel you need. The depression's just creating a hole that can not be realistically satisfied.

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It must be hard to be stuck in the house with a partner who won't talk for five hours. When you two moved in together, did you have a different expectation of what would happen? It seems that you are so distanced, that even a little closeness isn't enough, and so your need is greater. I agree that your depression will make you long for comfort (nothing wrong about that) and maybe you SO won't be able to comfort you totally, but if I were ignored for five hours then given a hug, I'd not feel great either.

I sympathize with the not leaving the house thing, right now I am stuck with the same thing. I find going out panicky so I avoid it, and then get very low when I am in the house all day with nothing to do. I notice it does cause arguments sometimes in that I am very bored and looking for entertainment and my SO is tired and has worked all day and wants to sit and veg.

Today I am going to try to go for a walk. Can you think of anything like that you could do?

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