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How come no one notices I havent left the house in 15 days?

How come no one notices I have been in my bed since 7 last night and probably wont get out today.

How come whenever I try to open up, no one listens, and it just turns into some discussion about 1 of 3things;

1) all my wrongs, faults, fuckups, flaws

2) something about the other person

3) me somehow upsetting the person I am trying to open up to and then in turn me comforting the other person and begging them not to be mad at me and being a little pussy bitch.

I'm sick of pushing away my feelings, just to be the bigger man. When conflict arises I am completely incapable to say what i feel. I just wind up trying to understand the other person, and explain/justify my faults and make the other person not hate me or be mad at me.

I'm sick of no one giving a shit

I'm sick of not giving a shit. Or giving a shit so much that I dont want to burden anyone with these crazy thoughts.

I wish. just once. that my feelings came first. to me. to anyone. to my boyfriend.

I just want to scream LOOK AT ME! I'M DYING!

I feel like such an asshole for wanting some attention.

Probably because when I ask for it I get shot down. Or made to feel like shit

I wish for just 1 night there were no computers or tv's or guitars or [insert any distraction] between my boyfriend and me.

I wish I was pretty.

I wish I was short.

I wish I could be drunk all the time without people getting mad at me.

I wish I was drunk right now.

I wish for just one of any of these things.

I wish for all of them

But it probably wont be enough anyway, My crazy head will just find something else to obsess over and be miserable about.

Lots of people say that this-or-that was for attention. How do I actually get attention. genuine attention. from my BF specifically. I want him to hear what i am saying, I want him not to judge me.

for once in my life i actually WANT to fucking talk to someone. I want to talk to him. But there's 50 things that are more important to him. I just want to talk.

i'm so sad. i cant believe i have gotten to this point. i cant believe he doesnt notice. doesnt care.

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hi brooke,

I'm having the kind of day where I can't articulate what I want to say, so for now I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and that I know what it's like to be there, and to remind you that it is temporary. temporary.

you won't feel this way forever and while that fact is sometimes hard to believe, it's true-- for now you just gotta get through the next hour, the next day and do the best that you can.

also, you managed to put into one succinct sentence *exactly* how I have felt sometimes.

I just want to scream LOOK AT ME! I'M DYING!

I wish I knew what to say to help you right now but I couldn't read your post which sounds so much like me and not remind you that you aren't alone. we're here to listen, especially when you need extra support when you are having trouble getting it from those around you.

hopefully I can come back and have some actual advice, but keep posting,

meg

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Hey hang in there!

I have a "he" who also doesn't seem to give a shit. I put all my inheritance into a house for us, meaning myself "him" and HIS TWO KIDS who I raised as a full time mome.

The so called "real mom" was too busy down the shore, in Vegas, etc with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend to even take them for one weekend a month.

Everyone said "they'll appreciate what you did someday"

Yeah, well now they are 26 and 27, the daughter is a slut, an embarassment to me, both kids were smart but didn't want college...

I tried to raise them right, but Melissa dresses like a streetwalker (then wonders why guys only want sex and don't have any respect for her), works at "Warrior" and I just want nothing to do with her anymore, nor she with me.

The son is a total loser, 9 jobs in one year, who rides a fucking BIKE instead of having a car on the road, who does painkillers for fun. He takes xanax and drinks and falls off barstools. The only time he comes over is to borrow money he never pays back.

I wasted my entire life caring for them FOR WHAT?

The husband is now too cheap to help me get my car inspected, after I put 150k out buying furniture, furniture for both kids, every fence, the shed, the refrigerator, washer, dryer (to do all his and the kids wash like a slave) and now he doesn't give a shit that I cry all day, every day.

I want to kill myself, but know I'll just end up back in the psych ward with no food, no rest, and stalkers allowed to follow me.

All I can say is stay on these boards. I've gotten alot of support and understanding that the assholes in my life can't seem to choke up, regardless that I poured out all my energy and money and time on them, that I can never get back.

I will say a prayer for you, that things will get better.

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hi brooke,

I'm having the kind of day where I can't articulate what I want to say, so for now I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and that I know what it's like to be there, and to remind you that it is temporary. temporary.

you won't feel this way forever and while that fact is sometimes hard to believe, it's true-- for now you just gotta get through the next hour, the next day and do the best that you can.

also, you managed to put into one succinct sentence *exactly* how I have felt sometimes.

I just want to scream LOOK AT ME! I'M DYING!

I wish I knew what to say to help you right now but I couldn't read your post which sounds so much like me and not remind you that you aren't alone. we're here to listen, especially when you need extra support when you are having trouble getting it from those around you.

hopefully I can come back and have some actual advice, but keep posting,

meg

thanks meg.

this helps.

really it does.

I am so alone these days. I think I stumbled onto crazy boards, at just the right time.

thanks for reading my crazyness

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Hey hang in there!

I have a "he" who also doesn't seem to give a shit. I put all my inheritance into a house for us, meaning myself "him" and HIS TWO KIDS who I raised as a full time mome.

The so called "real mom" was too busy down the shore, in Vegas, etc with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend to even take them for one weekend a month.

Everyone said "they'll appreciate what you did someday"

Yeah, well now they are 26 and 27, the daughter is a slut, an embarassment to me, both kids were smart but didn't want college...

I tried to raise them right, but Melissa dresses like a streetwalker (then wonders why guys only want sex and don't have any respect for her), works at "Warrior" and I just want nothing to do with her anymore, nor she with me.

The son is a total loser, 9 jobs in one year, who rides a fucking BIKE instead of having a car on the road, who does painkillers for fun. He takes xanax and drinks and falls off barstools. The only time he comes over is to borrow money he never pays back.

I wasted my entire life caring for them FOR WHAT?

The husband is now too cheap to help me get my car inspected, after I put 150k out buying furniture, furniture for both kids, every fence, the shed, the refrigerator, washer, dryer (to do all his and the kids wash like a slave) and now he doesn't give a shit that I cry all day, every day.

I want to kill myself, but know I'll just end up back in the psych ward with no food, no rest, and stalkers allowed to follow me.

All I can say is stay on these boards. I've gotten alot of support and understanding that the assholes in my life can't seem to choke up, regardless that I poured out all my energy and money and time on them, that I can never get back.

I will say a prayer for you, that things will get better.

THANKS.

family is overrated IMHO.

I shitcanned mine YEARS ago. except my dad, but he died a few months ago. he was all i had.

I can tell you, you shouldnt blame yourself for the kids, i can tell you you can do a great job and have ungreatfull stubborn kids who live life on their own terms, or you can do a shitty job and wind up with some awesome humanitarian smart well traveled college grad.

I had one shitty parent (mom) and one good parent (dad) and i think - outwardly - I turned out ok. too bad the crazyness from mom is in full effect nowadays.

I'm so glad I found these boards... and i'm so glad you replied. thank you

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I can't solve any of your questions, but you did a very good job listing them. You phrase them in a way I wouldn't have thought of.

Just don't give up. Keep working on the meds, and the docs. Are you seeing a therapist? Thats a big step up in getting well. Can you drag the BF to some therapy sessions if nothing more than to get him to loosen up and acknowledge your illness? Maybe a NAMI or other support group. I can only imagine how helpless those around us must feel. They see us in agony day in and out, unable to make us feel happy.

best, a.m.

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you have outgrown society.

in society, it is ingrained to be selfish, to not think about others feelings, to put people down when they do try to share their feelings. at what point during the last gazillion years has it been taught to share your emotions? and when another person does, how to respond.

nowadays, you will be judged, stigmatized or critized for admitting your faults.

but having to speak your emotions is ingrained in you now. through all of the bullshit and suffering. from falling into nothingness and then trying to climb your way back again. from your soul being stripped raw of all that you knew in your previous lifetime to new experiences and perspectives.

your coping skills become honed. you know more of what you need. but it is damn hard to find that in this society.

so it holds you back. forces you keep searching for that outlet you need. which is out there. but, it is the minority. so the search uses up your strength.

that is when you must realize that it is ok to be around these people that have no clue. they were not led in the right direction eons ago. it took your suffering for you to be able to see the truth. they have not hit rock bottom which is mostly what it takes to have a different frame of mind.

the help is out there. you just must not stress too much that you aren't getting it from the people around you right now.

be an observer. see what it is that makes them tick. do they even make sense in what they say? what are their values? figure out how they manage to turn things around on you. (react carefully when they do) what are they keeping inside? the process feels like you are detached and that you are studying a foreign object that you have to figure how to make work. if you can't, you will live a lifetime of misery and doom. if you can, then you will be all powerful.

i would just stay busy writing, doing art, punching a Be-Bop man, whatever - anything that lets out and helps the emotions stay at bay. just don't give up looking and don't let others' ignorance get in the way of your recovery.

patience.

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I can't solve any of your questions, but you did a very good job listing them. You phrase them in a way I wouldn't have thought of.

Just don't give up. Keep working on the meds, and the docs. Are you seeing a therapist? Thats a big step up in getting well. Can you drag the BF to some therapy sessions if nothing more than to get him to loosen up and acknowledge your illness? Maybe a NAMI or other support group. I can only imagine how helpless those around us must feel. They see us in agony day in and out, unable to make us feel happy.

best, a.m.

I kinda have given up...

I am leaving th house to socialize (play Rock BAnd) with a friend tonight, maybe.

and i am dreding it.

Heavy self medicating beforehand is a sure thing.

what's NAMI? i'm sorry i'm so ignorant to everything.

therapy didnt do anything for me but suck my bank account dry and make me more stressed, but i think i need to find a way back. well i know i do, but i'm pretty broke

thank you.

oh. and i like your icon.

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you have outgrown society.

in society, it is ingrained to be selfish, to not think about others feelings, to put people down when they do try to share their feelings. at what point during the last gazillion years has it been taught to share your emotions? and when another person does, how to respond.

nowadays, you will be judged, stigmatized or critized for admitting your faults.

but having to speak your emotions is ingrained in you now. through all of the bullshit and suffering. from falling into nothingness and then trying to climb your way back again. from your soul being stripped raw of all that you knew in your previous lifetime to new experiences and perspectives.

your coping skills become honed. you know more of what you need. but it is damn hard to find that in this society.

so it holds you back. forces you keep searching for that outlet you need. which is out there. but, it is the minority. so the search uses up your strength.

that is when you must realize that it is ok to be around these people that have no clue. they were not led in the right direction eons ago. it took your suffering for you to be able to see the truth. they have not hit rock bottom which is mostly what it takes to have a different frame of mind.

the help is out there. you just must not stress too much that you aren't getting it from the people around you right now.

be an observer. see what it is that makes them tick. do they even make sense in what they say? what are their values? figure out how they manage to turn things around on you. (react carefully when they do) what are they keeping inside? the process feels like you are detached and that you are studying a foreign object that you have to figure how to make work. if you can't, you will live a lifetime of misery and doom. if you can, then you will be all powerful.

i would just stay busy writing, doing art, punching a Be-Bop man, whatever - anything that lets out and helps the emotions stay at bay. just don't give up looking and don't let others' ignorance get in the way of your recovery.

patience.

See the thing is i know you are right, and i need to hear that kind of stuff. but it all seems so heavy.

strength left in me is barely enough to get up to take a piss. (sorry about my language)

I admire you and the strength and clarity you have to beable to even compose such huge thoughts.

you make it sound simple.

I read something else you wrote yesterday, i think, i wish i could remember what it was because i remember thinking it, as well, was dope.

i need to re read what you wrote when i'm not so upset.

i'm best when i first wake up and the day's shit hasnt piled up over my head, so that's what i'm gonna do, re read this in the AM and holla back at you.

peace.

xo

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I know what you're going through. I have no-one to talk to about what I go through. I live with my parents and they try really hard to understand but my dad especially doesn't get it. I've been lucky to have always had really close friends that I can talk to. However, since moving to Houston I haven't met anyone except my AA sponsor. He is the only person I know. I did hang out with two 'friends' but for whatever reason they ditched me. Since being diagnosed with various mental illnesses three years ago and moving around a lot for medical treatment I've lost most friends. I don't answer some phone calls because I know from experience that people don't understand. An ex of mine doesn't believe anything is wrong with me. It took a while for my sponsor to see why I was mentally ill and I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't understand. I tried going to bipolar/depression support groups but couldn't relate because I don't get extremely manic.

strength left in me is barely enough to get up to take a piss.

I know the feeling. Eating, going to the toilet and especially showering is a hassle anymore.

Sorry to go on about me but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one unable to really talk to people about your MI.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me anytime.

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I think getting out to see a rock band should do wonders for your state of mind. :)

GO! Have some fun! Self medicate your ass off (as long as someone else is driving) !!

You, like myself many times, are cooped up feeling totally neglected right now, seeing new people (maybe a "he" better than the current asshole, er, I mean "boyfriend").

You never know who you'll meet.

So have a good time tonight and let us know tomorrow how you feel.

~ Denise ;)

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hi there! boy, i know about the physically spent crap. i have recently arrived at that place. bam! energy gone. it is this complete exhaustion that settles over your entire body. weighted. even if you did have desire and motivation your body won't let you do anything about it. soooo sorry.

i think it is just about trying to figure out how people and the world think and exist.

they are the lost ones and we are the ones smart enough to figure it out.

the "i care and understand" system has failed dramatically. (was there ever one?)

i got tired of correcting and explaining. just kinda hanging out on the outskirts right now. working on myself. just absorbing my surroundings. and looking for the "others." ;)

listen to people when they talk to you. their tone, inflection. are they saying what they mean to say in the way that they say it?

repeat back to them what they are trying to tell you. "are you saying....blah, blah, blah?"

try not to take too much to heart. you will find that people respond in a programmed way - society's way. they just don't know otherwise.

they are already assuming they know what you are going say. they are prepared with words and facial gestures. or they will just plain cut you off.

it is not worth my effort anymore to correct or explain. i do what i can now and it will get better.

besides, the more you learn, the easier it does become to respond.

ok, ok. bedtime for me.

cool play rock band!

cheers!

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How come no one notices I have been in my bed since 7 last night and probably wont get out today.

You say that like it's a BAD thing! ;)

I think people are trying to tell you that they've found that as bad as it gets, it also can get better.

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i'm sorry null0trooper. i just have to say this.

see what i mean? that response is said over and over again. there is no meaning to it anymore. if someone said that to me, i would just say in my head "yeah, yeah, yeah. sure."

i mean, we do know what it means. but how much thinking had to go into that?

it is like cliches. they are short for something more. but they are still subject to misinterpretation.

overused phrases and cliches keep us from really saying what we mean.

they can be used creatively, selectively.

it is like we are too busy. and i get that that is what they are about.

damn, they are hard to get away from. we just need new, new, new.

oh, "a lot of people survive all kinds of shit and come out even better"

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i'm sorry null0trooper. i just have to say this.

see what i mean? that response is said over and over again. there is no meaning to it anymore. if someone said that to me, i would just say in my head "yeah, yeah, yeah. sure."

i mean, we do know what it means. but how much thinking had to go into that?

And "Yeah, sure. Whatever." takes an immense amount of thought and originality?

That's the sort of response that ensures that next time you're in the dumps, the people around you will make more of an effort not to notice.

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hi. was only trying to use the phrase as an example and was addressing society as a whole. i am sorry it sounded like a personal dump on you. i should have thought more before writing. hell, see, i do the same damn things!

guess i was only trying to say that it is hard to get away from these things. i am soooo sorry. seriously.

it seemed like a personal affront to you and i can see that. i will make me more of an effort to change these kinda things.

please forgive ;)

with the yeah yeah sure i was trying to say that because this phrase is used so liberally, so even when spoken with good intentions, it just doesn't sound so believable anymore.

damn, hope that made sense. it takes a lot of effort.

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I care.

I went for a walk and I thought of you and how we both respectively find it hard to leave the house. I remembered what you are going through and I wished good things for you.

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Pardon the corniness, but sometimes writing it all out helps a lot too, even when no one else will listen. I used to have a journal I wrote everything in. I look back at it now and I realize how much better I am. It helps me compare my good and bad times. I'm sorry I don't have any good answers for you, but I do know how you feel in some respects. I am attached to my bed and have to be drug out at times as well. Goodluck with things.

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I think getting out to see a rock band should do wonders for your state of mind. :)

GO! Have some fun! Self medicate your ass off (as long as someone else is driving) !!

You, like myself many times, are cooped up feeling totally neglected right now, seeing new people (maybe a "he" better than the current asshole, er, I mean "boyfriend").

You never know who you'll meet.

So have a good time tonight and let us know tomorrow how you feel.

~ Denise ;)

Roak Band is a video game. LOL i WISH i went to see a rock band.

i went

it didnt work out so well. all though i'm sure everyone thought i was fine and perfect and nothing was wrong.

i have unfortunately become the BEST at faking a state of normalcy.

I couldnt medicate my ass off because the SO was watching me and i woulda got in trouble.

back in bed.

i feel like ass.

thanks for writing. your post made me smile.

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