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Feeling tempted....


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;):):)

I'm feeling really tempted to S.I at the moment.

I've just bumped into my grandparents and they know I'm not working due to M.I although they are not aware of the full details. They asked me if I was okay and I lied and said "I'm fine" when I'm really not. I couldn't tell them how I was feeling as I think they will be disappointed in me, as will the rest of the family, so I pretend everything is okay but pretending is so hard and now the effort of lying to my grandparents has set something in motion and I want to S.I.

I haven't S.I in 6 weeks and I try and think about what *X*(someone I look up to)would do and I know they wouldn't S.I so perhaps that should inspire me but I'm not sure that is enough. The temptation is really strong, I keep envisioning the cuts before I've even got them, I want them but I don't want the marks on my skin, I just want something to hurt so badly that I can't feel the disappointment and all the other negative emotions flying around my brain.

I think about finding a partner who would beat the crap out of me just for "sport", I feel like that would be the answer to my problems. I could be hurt without being responsible, at least that's the theory, a crap one at that.

I just feel completely lost and confused right now.

SW

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I'm not personally familiar with SI, I just want to tell you that I'm reading. And will keep reading.

And about your grandparents: what is your relationship like with them? Are you somewhat close? Do you see them by yourself sometimes/talk on the phone?

I just know grandparents can be really good to have (I don't have any, but I have substitutes!). First of all, they're not your parents. Secondly, they know your parents! And they're adults with a lifetime of experience and they might have a larger perspective on things.

Maybe you could consider letting them in on your life. You don't have to go into details, but talk about how it's been a hard day, how being young and people having so many expectations of you can be hard to cope with, how lonely life can be and so on.

Again, I don't know what they or your family is like. But if you can, I would suggest that you rely on them for stuff you probably can't get from your friends/parents/siblings/therapist.

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It sounds like you are feeling some sort of shame about not being honest with them, and that concealing how you feel has led to you re-feeling the disappointment that comes with being ill. Since I don't know you or your family, it's hard to judge whether your grandparents could be supportive of you if they knew the truth. It might be useful to ask if your grandparents ever had experience of not working themselves, or being ill, and how they felt about it. It might be a safe way to test how much you could tell them that they would relate to.

I also want to let you know that, as much as I know the disappointment of being ill feels real, it is an added pressure on you. You have a legitimate reason not to work, you are doing some important healing work right now, and you need that time away from the workplace. Keep that in mind eh?

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I'm not personally familiar with SI, I just want to tell you that I'm reading. And will keep reading.

And about your grandparents: what is your relationship like with them? Are you somewhat close? Do you see them by yourself sometimes/talk on the phone?

I just know grandparents can be really good to have (I don't have any, but I have substitutes!). First of all, they're not your parents. Secondly, they know your parents! And they're adults with a lifetime of experience and they might have a larger perspective on things.

Maybe you could consider letting them in on your life. You don't have to go into details, but talk about how it's been a hard day, how being young and people having so many expectations of you can be hard to cope with, how lonely life can be and so on.

Again, I don't know what they or your family is like. But if you can, I would suggest that you rely on them for stuff you probably can't get from your friends/parents/siblings/therapist.

Thank you Graduation day,

I'm not and never have been close to my grandparents, it just happens that we live in the same neighbourhood and that's how we bumped into each other.

Even if we were close, I couldn't talk to them about my problems. My grandmother is very ill and my grandad is taking care of her whilst neglecting himself somewhat, they have their own problems.

It sounds like you are feeling some sort of shame about not being honest with them, and that concealing how you feel has led to you re-feeling the disappointment that comes with being ill. Since I don't know you or your family, it's hard to judge whether your grandparents could be supportive of you if they knew the truth. It might be useful to ask if your grandparents ever had experience of not working themselves, or being ill, and how they felt about it. It might be a safe way to test how much you could tell them that they would relate to.

I also want to let you know that, as much as I know the disappointment of being ill feels real, it is an added pressure on you. You have a legitimate reason not to work, you are doing some important healing work right now, and you need that time away from the workplace. Keep that in mind eh?

Thank you Karuna,

My grandparents aren't in a position to give support plus I come from a family where denial is rife and if someone has a problem, they are on their own.

I think I do feel shame over being ill, of not being "normal"(I hate that word but it best describes what I mean)and lying to my grandparents had added to that. Lying to my family is a bad, bad habit I have.

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This may sound really stupid, so take it with a grain of salt as far as alternatives. I've been through the "do I or don't I?" over the last few weeks... one afternoon, in dire straits, I started chewing on a jalapeno. An extremely hot one (fresh). Very painful, tears running down my face, but the capsaicin in the pepper releases an endorphin that is calming. And with my mouth burning, I didn't think of much else.

I'll go ahead and say the obvious: Please don't SI. Keep looking for ways to avoid it, and having someone that you look up to is wonderful. A good reason not to. Best wishes.

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Does not being able to confide make you feel lonely? My family can be the same and it makes me feel on my own with my illness sometimes. Would posting here about how bad things are right now help you? I am here to listen and hold onto it for you if you like, I know that you are a sweet person on CB and you have a great capacity to cope with things, but you need some support too.

I think that there is a difference between lying and choosing not to share something with people who cannot hear it very well because of their own issues. We care and we are here for you.

*hug*

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This may sound really stupid, so take it with a grain of salt as far as alternatives. I've been through the "do I or don't I?" over the last few weeks... one afternoon, in dire straits, I started chewing on a jalapeno. An extremely hot one (fresh). Very painful, tears running down my face, but the capsaicin in the pepper releases an endorphin that is calming. And with my mouth burning, I didn't think of much else.

I'll go ahead and say the obvious: Please don't SI. Keep looking for ways to avoid it, and having someone that you look up to is wonderful. A good reason not to. Best wishes.

Thank you Rabbit37, although I'm not sure I'll be biting on any Jalapenos anytime soon ;)

Does not being able to confide make you feel lonely? My family can be the same and it makes me feel on my own with my illness sometimes. Would posting here about how bad things are right now help you? I am here to listen and hold onto it for you if you like, I know that you are a sweet person on CB and you have a great capacity to cope with things, but you need some support too.

I think that there is a difference between lying and choosing not to share something with people who cannot hear it very well because of their own issues. We care and we are here for you.

*hug*

Thank you Karuna,

Yes, not being able to confide makes me feel lonely, it's awful at times. I think posting here will help but sometimes I don't have the energy for it, sometimes it still seems too much to cope with.

Thank you for the hug, I needed that.

*hugs Karuna back*

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