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Wanting to end it.


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My whole life seems to be a roadblock.

And from the roadblock's point of view, it's like 'Ack! All these huge cars and trucks throwing themselves at me!"

Now would be a good time to pull over and think about whether this road was going to get you where you wanted to go in the first place, or even whether the destination is worth the trouble. It won't help at all to ditch the car and give up when it's really all a matter of getting a bit of rest and waiting the rain out. And if the sheep are still blocking the road - it's mutton season!

But if necessary, call for that emergency med change or therapy session, or even a taxi ride to the hospital. Any one or all of them has to be better than the way you feel right now.

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What you are thinking about is a PERMANENT SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

I know, I know, you've heard this before. DO NOT GIVE IN.

View this video, you are in such good company.

I am right now saying a prayer for you....to HANG ON!!!

Love and Peace to you,

~ Denise ;)

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thanks everyone for the kind thoughts. That's why I have been coming here. It seems like one week i am telling someone it will get better and them bam! I need people to tell me it will get better. At least I know there are you people who care and are here to listen. I had a really bad day yesterday. I went to my tdoc, who I've only seen once before because my other tdoc who i've had for a while left the clinic. And she told me she was leaving in 3 wks. I felt really abandoned. Then I had some time to think about it and I don't blame her. Working at the county health clinic must really suck. I don't want to sound snobbish, but the people there are really scary and gross. And they smell. I would like to go to a support group, but not with them. I cant relate to them. I hope I don't sound mean, but there it is. I was referred to the women's resource center as a place that might have support groups with people I could relate to. People don't like me. At least not beneath the surface. My social anxiety feeds this way of thinking. I really truly believe people don't like me. I have never been able to make friends. Except for the few who really got to know me. My two best friends live far away and i have lost touch with them. My family is very supportive. My bf doesn't give me any physical affection or any other kind. it is like we are roommatess. I really need a hug from him or some form of emotional support. I was thinking of asking him for help, even though it seems like he is disgusted with me. He doesn't believe in ther. or meds. or any kind of dr. He could help me feel better just by holding me and making me feel safe and loved. I don't know if he would actually do that. Thank God my kids are in day camp all day so they can be in a happy environment without a depressed mom around all the time. They got in on a scholarship. Oh well, I guess it is time for me to stop waiting for someone else to make me better. My tdoc gave me a really good and feasable action plan. It occurred to me that I have to do this myself and that no one is going to do it for me. The "it" is the part I can't seem to get my brain around. If you made it through my long post, thanks for listening. Any ideas you want to throw out there to help me help myself, I am all ears. I want to help myself. i have heard too many times that i am my own worst enemy. Last night i had a dream that I was swimming in a match. I was swimming so good and it ended up that I won. Only I was the only one swimming. That just gave me an idea that i need to force myself to start swimming at the Y again. That is where my kids are at daycamp. In my dream, It felt so good and free to swim. Just like it does in real life when I was swimming. So I am making a pact with myself to go and swim. To force myself to just go do it. Sorry for such a long post. Melissa

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I have those exact same thoughts on a nearly daily basis, which are rooted in my feelings of inadequacy and my failure to live up to the expectations of my parents and family. It's very difficult knowing that I'm a constant source of disappointment and embarrassment to them, which was definitely reinforced and confirmed during my last visit.

But then a part of me knows that if I offed myself, then I would effectively become an even greater source of disappointment and embarrassment.

Also, the helplessness and hopelessness regarding my student loan debt is almost too much to bear. I know that I'll never be able to even come close to paying off the 80 plus grand I owe in student loans, and death is the only way of escaping it.

But thinking about it, even everyday, is still very far from actually doing it. I mean, how many of us have ever thought about murdering someone? I know that there have been times where I definitely felt capable of taking the life of a fellow human being (and of myself), but even then, I don't think I could really do it.

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swimming sounds good mel ;) something to look forward to, something to enjoy.

i like running. im thinking of starting to run again. except i get cold really easily and its cold here. so, its hard to motivate myself!

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i AM still feeling soooo depressed. I am still waiting on a call back from my pdoc. I go to a county mental health place and it's anybody's guess when she'll call. I guess I will cal;l and bukg them some more tomorrow. I'm just trudging along trinng not to give inot kurges. I just want to disappear. I keep trying to tell myself it will get betterbiut its hard to believe when i don't see muself greeetiing better. sorry for the typos. i feel soo bad. so bad. so awful.

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