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So, I wrote a lengthy novella of post already describing a bunch of stuff, but I like writing and if you'll read it, I'll write it again.

24 years old, no kids, live with my boyfriend (who's a saint), and Ms. Moneypenny, the mikeneko (Japanese good luck calico).

I've been on and off the psych rollercoaster since I was six and my father died, when my mother decided that six year olds should not be writing stories describing the nine deaths of a cat, and hallucinating at night. I was bored with the psychologist and convinced her I had multiple personalities for fun. Dunno how I knew what multiple personalities were, but I was a fairly bright kiddo. Probably diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I remember being tested for ADD and Asperger's, too - my brother has Asperger's. Bombed the Asperger's test about matching emotions to faces and something else, but they decided that I was not in the autistic spectrum.

Fast forward to sixth grade, when I'm cutting myself and I am getting in fights with my mom bad enough that the cops get called and I get to go to a group home a few times that year. County shrink services aren't the best, and I never see the same person more than twice. I get put on Paxil, which makes me so aggro that I nearly break a kid's jaw and get suspended from school. Switched to Wellbutrin, which I refuse to take out of general principle. Diagnosed with depression.

Middle school - still fighting with everyone and still cutting. Transient satanic blood ritual phase. Did a heck of a job of convincing EVERYONE I was a psychopath by carrying knives on me and other such things.

Age 15, another fight with mom gets me arrested for assault and I end up in My Very First Psych Hospital. State presses charges, and mom somehow ends up paying all the court and lawyer fees. Funny how that works. Hospital gives me Trazodone, which gives me a two day migraine so bad that I'm seeing halos around lights and can't move. Hospital may have also given other drugs, but I can't remember and certainly didn't take them more than a few days. Finish out sophomore year at the probation office and anger management. Diagnosed with bipolar something, borderline personality disorder, and probably a few other things I have forgotten or never saw.

Age 17, join the Navy and am in for eleven months. Originally accepted into a field that requires a top secret security clearance which I obviously did not get based on my hospitalization. Navy issues me a warning, saying if my mental health ever affects my duties I will be discharged, but I was not discharged at that time. Changed to another rate, get engaged and stand up grandma for a visit two days before she days for the "fiance". Terrible, terrible guilt.... then the "fiance" stands me up on the altar. I find a new boyfriend who really wants out of the Navy, so I tell him how to get out and help him make up a grand crazy story to tell the shrinks. I go in and calmly ask to be let out, which is the stupidest thing I've ever done and get discharged honorably for "convenience of the government - personality disorder NOS"..... spend a year in Missouri with this other guy, filled with lots of cutting, lots of drug use, and seriously dramatic, clinging-to-his-legs-so-he-won't-leave. Gave myself alcohol poisoning at one point.

Age 21, after years of being unable to hold a job for longer than a few months, barely avoiding homelessness most of the time, and generally being so unstable that nobody wants to be around me, I try to go back through state services for help. I go through the whole spectrum of drugs and don't get anything except side effects so nasty I can't function (and don't go away after months). Check myself into a state hospital, where I am diagnosed with BPI w/ mixed episodes and do not receive any help. Check myself out after a week with a script for klonopin. Get a job for a week and get fired. Go home and take every single one of the 500 pills I had been given over the last year. Stupidly posted suicide note on LJ and became a very brief internet "celebrity" of sorts. End up in intensive care for three days and another state hospital for three weeks. Diagnosed at THAT hospital as mood disorder, NOS, Anxiety, NOS, and personality disorder w/ borderline traits, also NOS. No drugs were administered to me during this stay other than a shot of ativan in the butt when I said something stupid. I am apparently stupidly sensitive to ativan too, because I got so agitated I ended up in intensive observation for a week.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, brings me to now. I ran off to another state after that and was more or less completely stable for three years, hold down a job this whole time and everything's gravy (other than getting diagnosed with Grave's Disease / hyperthyroidism, which apparently.... makes you CRAZY!)- except I'm still burning through boyfriends left and right and one of them ends up so apathetic towards me that he gives me a grand to get the hell out of his life. I go back to my state of origin temporarily and try to get vocational rehab services. In January of this year, I have a neuropsych with all the fixin's and am told that I am depressed with social anxiety. Cannot receive services through them for some bureaucratic BS, and run off to another state entirely where I am now when a man I knew in the navy pops up in my life and treats me like an absolute princess.

So here I am now. I care so much about this relationship working out, that I am back on the psych ride and went to the county services here so that I don't lose this man over all the stupid crap I generally lose them for. He's already seen episodes resulting in me threatening to go jump in front of a car and cut myself up.... I've tied myself to the bed of his truck so he won't leave me... all sorts of fun things that he just shouldn't have to tolerate. Latest results are depression that may or may not be bipolar, NOS at this point.... anxiety that may or may not be the result of my thyroid issue, NOS at this point....a potential personality disorder with borderline traits, NOS at this time, paranoia,... and she wants me to see a psychologist expert on autistic spectrum disorders because of my temper flares, headbanging, and other physical quirks when I get overwhelmed and frustrated. Yay. She was very cautious about giving me pills, which I appreciated since I had such a bad go of it the last times, but I was willing to just start over from the beginning and see what happens. Risperdal, Zoloft, and Klonopin are the "starting" cocktail. Two days into it and so far, so good, other than some nasty side effects the first night on Risperdal, and a possible hypomanic episode.... if I even actually have those. I'm so uncertain about what "normal" is that I don't think I can tell the difference.

And that's my story. Long, yes. Boring, probably.... but it is definitely an introduction.

E

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long story, yes.

boring, no. ;)

welcome, you are in the right place. It's good that you are taking positive steps, as difficult and frustrating as they may be to take.

I hope you keep all of us updated - CB is good for support and venting and plenty of other things.

- blue

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I'm so uncertain about what "normal" is that I don't think I can tell the difference.

And that's my story. Long, yes. Boring, probably.... but it is definitely an introduction.

hey elizabeth,

welcome to cb, I hope we're able to be a good support for you here, these people have been so central in my own recovery that I have great faith in having a support network of people who 'get it'

I tend to write long posts too, and there's no way of doing a short intro imo (for 24 years, you've got a lot to cover and I think it's great that you're being so honest and straighforward about everything)-- am having a rough day due to missing meds for three days so sorry that I can't (coherently) write more, but I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and that I think it's beyond wonderful that you've come to the point that you're at and seem so willing to change and get help.

I know what you mean about not knowing what 'normal' is (for myself, or anyone) and having a really hard time gauging where you 'should' be-- but I've kinda decided that it doesn't matter quite as much as long as you are keeping a close watch on yourself and not being afraid to ask for help if something just doesn't feel right.

you have plenty of time left to figure out what kind of person you want to be and life you want to lead, so keep working hard at improving, but don't put too much pressure on seeing 'normal' right away, you know? sounds cliche, but baby steps are the best way to go when you're aiming for life long change.

am rambling, hope I'm making some sense. keep posting, I hope you stick around...although our stories are very different, I still see some of me in your post, I guess I'm just saying that you're not alone, and cb is a great place to help you remember that, luck,

m

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They gave me Trazadone as well when I was in the mental hospital. HORRIBLE migraines. Blargh.

Not boring at all! You've been through a lot. You must be a very, very strong person.

Welcome to CB! and take care.

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I'm so uncertain about what "normal" is that I don't think I can tell the difference.

And that's my story. Long, yes. Boring, probably.... but it is definitely an introduction.

hey elizabeth,

welcome to cb, I hope we're able to be a good support for you here, these people have been so central in my own recovery that I have great faith in having a support network of people who 'get it'

I tend to write long posts too, and there's no way of doing a short intro imo (for 24 years, you've got a lot to cover and I think it's great that you're being so honest and straighforward about everything)-- am having a rough day due to missing meds for three days so sorry that I can't (coherently) write more, but I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and that I think it's beyond wonderful that you've come to the point that you're at and seem so willing to change and get help.

I know what you mean about not knowing what 'normal' is (for myself, or anyone) and having a really hard time gauging where you 'should' be-- but I've kinda decided that it doesn't matter quite as much as long as you are keeping a close watch on yourself and not being afraid to ask for help if something just doesn't feel right.

you have plenty of time left to figure out what kind of person you want to be and life you want to lead, so keep working hard at improving, but don't put too much pressure on seeing 'normal' right away, you know? sounds cliche, but baby steps are the best way to go when you're aiming for life long change.

am rambling, hope I'm making some sense. keep posting, I hope you stick around...although our stories are very different, I still see some of me in your post, I guess I'm just saying that you're not alone, and cb is a great place to help you remember that, luck,

m

You made perfect sense and did just fine. I'm sorry you're having a tough time at the moment. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you for being so nice, all of you.

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