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;) Hi all -

I'm new, should probably post an intro, but it would probably just be more of the same shit people post all the time.  Been riding the therapy/med train for, omg, 8 years now and I guess I'm better.  Hell I'm still here so that's something right? 

Here are my current thoughts -

Why does insurance suck so hard?  Why can't I find the best therapist and drug doc for me - not just the one the fucking ins company wants me to go to? 

Am I "less" of a psycho because I've never been to a hospital and have a job?

Am I "allowed" to fall off the planet again because there are other people who are worse off than me?  Should I give into the insanity as much as I can so maybe that will jumpstart me into a phase of recovery and working really hard to get better? ***THIS IS THE MAIN ONE***

How are my tear ducts possibly making more tears after days of crying?  What are the biophysical or whatever effects of meds or depression on tear ducts?  HOW CAN I PHYSICALLY CRY SO MUCH???!!!!

I'm not psycho enough to kill myself, just psycho enough to stick around and fuck with the bullshit of living a completely lame life.  I am smart, some would say good looking (although F-A-T again now and I can't imagine anyone thinking I am good looking like this) and I know there is the potential there, but I waste so much time on self-doubt and lack of confidence that I can't possibly be the cool person I could be. 

Can I go home now and sit on my couch for the weekend? 

Is being borderline worse than being seriously off, because you can see normalcy but can't quite reach it - or reach it and can't keep it up.

Do I just need to grow up and mature some more? (I am 28)

Why am I so selfish and lazy and bored and lame and fat and tired and wet (the crying thing) AND STILL CAN'T FIND MYSELF A FUCKING IN-NETWORK THERAPIST? 

Can I just curse all day? 

No really - can i go home now??? 

That's probably enough.  Maybe eating lunch will make me feel better.  One last question, why is sushi so good and healing??? 

Can I be a ninja?  :)   :P   :ninja:   :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)   :ninja:   :ninja:

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I'll reply to myself then...

You: Gwen - sounds like you are down.  How many thoughts run around in your head at once?

Me: I don't know - a bunch.  probably a weird depressed mania that I have had before.  So down yet with the energy to obsess about my own lameness, without being so lame that it is cool.  Just lame enough to be a loser.

You:  Pretty much.  I bet a lot of people on here feel like that.  I know I have.  Like you don't fit in with "normal" society but don't fit in with the "mental" society...  An outcast without a home.  Sounds like a bunch of bullshit.  Are you just making excuses because you are scared to live?

Me:  Now you sound like a shrink.  Yes, I have wondered if I don't indeed want to be crazier than I am because at least that gives me a clear cut definition of crazy. 

You:  So you've thought about this?

Me: Sure.

You:  How was the sushi?

Me:  pretty good.  I could have eaten much more, but they were busy and I couldn't wait.  But then I came back and had some swedish fish and those gross white chocolate hershey kisses...

You:  DId you know that white chocolate isn't even chocolate???  It's just sugar and cream.  They should rename it. 

Me:  I did not know that.  No wonder it sucks.  But we are off the topic of ME and god knows I am the most important person around and definitely the only one here with a specific set of problems.  (sarcasm)

You:  Ohhhhh, so you're one of those...  You think you are more important than other people and the center of the universe.

Me:  Sure, I am the center of my own universe, why shouldn't I be the center of everyone's?

You:  So what has happened to you lately that made you feel so sad?

Me:  Well, it is probably the damn depakote - it is pushing me into the pit of despair.  And then all those freaky coincedences happen, like after I read Jared's post on depression and the music of Tool, I hear that song on the radio while I am driving to my bf's and can't stop crying.  Then I feel a wee bit better when I take out his moped for the first time only to be pulled over and yelled at by a cop for not having my moped license and not knowing where the registration is and not having plates on the moped, only to discover that the plate fell off yesterday and the registration is in some secret compartment and peopl over the age of 16 don't NEED a moped license and the cop had no idea what he was talking about and that just validated my opinion that cops are dumb people who can do good things if need be and I will never date a cop because they all want weird sex and have small pee-pees and are dumb and dumb people suck.

You: That was a tyrade.  How do you spell that word.

Me:  I don't know - I should go back to work.

You: Fine!  Just when I thought you were opening up, you run away...

Me:  Well, what did you think this was some sort of personal therapy session or something?  It is a message board, a place to reach out to others who may have similar experiences and to realize that there are people like you and people worse than you and people better than you and most importantly just OTHER people besides you in the world. 

You:  But I am the only person in my world...

Me:  Now you are getting my point. 

You:  That's deep.  Maybe we'll chat later. 

Me:  Maybe.  Probably.  I get bored and my head needs to be purged of the evilness. 

You:  OK - bye.

Me:  Bye.  Thanks.

The end

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Hey, Superqwen,

Nice rant! Eight years is a long time trying to get better and still feeling broken. It can really wear you down. And having to fight with insurance companies when you're feeling like crap is just wrong. Still better than not having insurance, though.

So, are you going to your regular doc for meds? If so, get yourself a referral to a psychiatrist. I don't know what state you're in (assuming you're in the US), but mental health parity laws have made getting in to see a psychiatrist much easier than it used to be. In California, we don't need a referral, we can go direct. I found my current therapist through my pdoc. He went through the in-network therapist list and rated them for me.

If you can't self refer, I'd recommend a total meltdown hissy fit in your doctor's office. Be enough of a pain in the ass that they'll want to refer you just to get you out of there. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Am I "allowed" to fall off the planet again because there are other people who are worse off than me?  Should I give into the insanity as much as I can so maybe that will jumpstart me into a phase of recovery and working really hard to get better? ***THIS IS THE MAIN ONE***
It's tempting, but it's an official BAD IDEA to go that route. The downward momentum goes out of control and it's a long, hard road to crawl back up.

Is being borderline worse than being seriously off, because you can see normalcy but can't quite reach it - or reach it and can't keep it up.

I've wondered the same thing myself and don't have any good answers for you (or myself for that matter). I have this image of myself as a little kid just barely tall enough to see the table top. That's how I feel about people who flow through their lives with poise and assurance. I can see it, but I can't reach it. So I stumble along and try to appreciate the good times when I can.

I hope you'll stick around. This is a great place to rant and talk with people who really understand the hard parts.

Greeny

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Hey, girl:

Most importantly, you make a hell of a ninja.

No, seriously -- most importantly is, YES, I have spent a fair amount of time wishing I were crazier to both (1) validate my incapacity and (2) give me a nice little delusional break from reality.  Up until last Thursday, as a matter of fact, I really thought I needed to get worse to get better. Then it finally dawned on me that there was a significant overlap between "sicker" and "dead," and then my meds kicked in, to the point where "dead" didn't really sound like such a good idea.  So now I'm back to Crazy as I Wanna Be, where crazy means doing it my own damn way, not subject to forces beyond my control.

To be specific, I thought, if you get any more depressed you'll die, and if you get truly manic, well: you think you miss your days of significance and invincibility?  Think how much you're gonna miss being God!  You'll never be able to deal with the letdown.

But, I have to confess, there's a new and delicate meds balance behind all of this thinking.

Can you scrape up the cash to go out of network for a short course of therapy?  As between pdocs and tdocs, it's probably easier to browbeat a pdoc into giving you the meds you want than to browbeat a therapist into not being an idiot.

Glad you enjoyed the sushi,

and yes, white chocolate sucks,

sg

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You know, I was never diagnosed with Borderline until I was adult, but I began cutting and all that wonderful crap when I was 15.  Today, I turn 33.  Kids at high school used to think I couldn't commit suicide because I was chicken shit, yet, I didn't want to kill myself, I only wanted to "kill" the shit that was going on inside my head.  I totally understand wanting to fall off the face of the planet.  I go through this crap day in and day out.  Fight with myself.  Fight with the people around me who don't understand.  It's a ongoing battle trying to explain it to them and I feel like they just don't want to know or just don' t give a flying fuck.  Sorry, I'm a potty mouth.

It's hard for us.  I think it's even harder for those of use who also have Bipolar and who rapid cycle, like I do.  You can't stand to be in your own skin at times and you scream, you cry and when you're done screaming and crying, you just do it all over again.

These past several months have been total and complete hell for me.  Won't give you the gritty details, but I KNOW what you mean.  Where to the tears come from when you think you've cried them all out.  And the constant arguments with yourself trying to make heads and tails of the situations just seem pointless at times and then finally you're just plain exhausted from the battles that you pass out and sleep...and then, the nightmares comes or you just can't sleep at all and toss and turn all night.

I've given up so much of my artistic talent because I can't think anymore.  When I sit down to write...it's like I draw a big fat "Duh!".  For three years, I successfully stopped cutting until one day I snapped and did it again.  I'm going to try a new therapy called DBT with my therapist.  I certainly hope this will help me.  It's one step towards help...and one step away from going to the nut house which I dread more than anything.  I hate that place more than anything and I certainly DON'T want to go back there.  My pdoc and my therapist know how much I loathe the place so they're trying to keep me away from there.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, you can always try and PM me or email me.  I can't promise I'll be the best help, but I try.

Hang in there.  We here always try to look out for one another.  I know this from experience.  I don't know what I'd do without everyone here.  They have been extremely wonderful to me.

Lots of hugs,

Elizabeth

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Hey, Gwen,

Insurance companies can definitely suck.  I had incredible luck finding a T that was on my plan.  My pshrink actually recommended her; I faxed her a list of all the therapists on the plan (around 120 or so) and on my next session, she had circled two and said they were good.  I called the one closest to work and I am super-glad I did.

By the way, white chocolate is REALLY, REALLY GOOD!  It is made of cocoa butter and sugar, so it is really negative chocolate, I guess.

Tommy

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Yay for replies!  I swear I would have talked to myself until I convinced myself I was not there and then we would have had problems.  Yes, you guys are as cool as I thought, and I am sure I will end up spending too much time here.  Everyone needs to feel important and validated. 

Thanks for all the good advice, I have a pdoc (I guess that is what the cool kids call them?) but lost my tdoc in an insurance switch.  And I have problems spending the extra $ for out of network.  I am a procrastinator extraordinaire, very impressive denial and justification for being a lazy ass.  Head games, head games, everyone loves them head games! 

I don't cut - I tweeze and peel fingernails off.  I currently have a few small bald patches on my head and my fingernails are terrible.  My thumbs are a centimeter and the others are not even 1/2 a centimeter.  I measured.  bad.  But it keeps me from picking my toenails which I can make bloody, so that is actually good.  I hope to never start cutting, it may be easier to hide but worse for me. 

Happy B-day Elizabeth - I think of every birthday as a frickin' MIRACLE and a really good sign, because I made it through another year.  It is amazing.  I feel really old and tired at 28 so wayyyyy lots of props for reaching 33!!  Here's to makeing it to the ripe ol' age of 35... 

Greeny - LOVE the table ananogy.  Realllllly good.  It is safer under the table, where you can hide in the shadows.  Will you hide with me?

Squirly - NINJA!!  I could be a kickass ninja.  I've always thought that if I really but my mind to it I could do a backflip and go all matrix.  What is your new delicate balance of drugs?  The only delicate balance of drugs that made me ok made my heartrate drop to 45 and now no one has let me back on any of them dammit.  Good luck with the balance.  Ninjas are good at balance.  You could be a ninja too...

By the way, white chocolate is REALLY, REALLY GOOD!  It is made of cocoa butter and sugar, so it is really negative chocolate, I guess.

I am sure people do like so called "white chocolate" but they should not call it chocolate.  Sweet cocoa butter candy maybe.  But the difference between regular chocolate and "white chocolate" is such that I cannot relate.  It is a personal thing.  Damn, now I have to google the making of both...  I acknowledge your liking of white chocolate, but I disagree vehemently.  "Oh tommy boy - the chocolate, the chocolate is calllll-innnnnngggg..."

Rants done.  Going home to sit on couch all weekend.  And eat.  I'll be back Monday, I'm sure....

;)

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I am sure people do like so called "white chocolate" but they should not call it chocolate.  Sweet cocoa butter candy maybe.  But the difference between regular chocolate and "white chocolate" is such that I cannot relate.  It is a personal thing.  Damn, now I have to google the making of both...  I acknowledge your liking of white chocolate, but I disagree vehemently.  "Oh tommy boy - the chocolate, the chocolate is calllll-innnnnngggg..."

;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Gwen,

Wikipedia has great info on both white and "real" chocolate:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate

Tommy

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  • 2 years later...

YO I LOVE THIS THREAD!!! Totally validates me and how fucking crazy I was/am

;) -----> me rolling my eyes at supergwen.

but that's why we love you, dear. didn't you know?

seriously - i hope you're okay. you know where i'm at if you aren't. can't promise you'll get a sane version of myself today but except for tdoc this afternoon, i will be here :) .

- rita

ps your avatar is my desktop background i just noticed that :) .

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