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Post-suicidal thoughts?


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In case anyone came in here worried because of my topic title: I am not at all suicidal, thank you for your concern, and sorry if I startled you.

Hi, sorry for the long post, but I thought that I would give a little background information since this is my first post.

I started having problems about a year and half ago, my symptoms got progressively worse, and I finally went to a psychologist at the beginning of January who initially diagnosed me as being bipolar II. She referred me to my current pdoc who put me on Lamictal. I titrated up to 200mg and it seemed to be working alright until April. Then, I had a full blown manic episode and decided that I didn't need to take any medication, or see my doctors, or go to school/work for that matter. Anyways, at the end of the fun, I crashed hard (a common pattern for me) and fell into a depressive episode. The depression mixed with the realization of how much I had fucked up my life lead me to start seriously considering suicide. Obviously I did not kill myself; however, I got about as close to doing so as I can imagine without having gone through with it. But I didn't, and I eventually got myself back to my pdoc who put me on lithium (1200mg currently).

Now here is my dilemma: although I don't want to kill myself anymore, I find that I think about suicide all the time. At first, when I would think about suicide, it was like I had lost some option, and I found myself almost lamenting that it was no longer a choice. However, while my lamenting may have past, I still think about it many times each day, not with any strong emotional response, but rather, as if it where any other mundane topic that might come to mind. I am wondering if anybody has had similar experiences, and if so, if you had any luck making it stop. Any ideas, rants, or raves welcome and appreciated. Thanks.

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Short answer, yes. I would call that a shallower level of suicidal ideation. It needs to be discussed with your pdoc since it will provide him insight to your present psychological state. Treatment may include med adjustment or changes, and talk therapy if you aren't already doing that.

a.m.

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I happen to agree with AirMarshall, please do see your psychiatrist and discuss the meds. Medications (starting, shuffling around, discontinuing, etc.) can really hurt the psyche, no matter what the end result is. A therapist would be of great help in handling your thoughts, as well.

Although I'm glad you're not truly suicidal, I am concerned for your suicidal thoughts, as well, they're probably uncomfortable thoughts for you to have. I had been having suicidal ideation on and off the past couple of years due to a health condition that progressively debilitated me (but fortunately has stabilized the past 6 months and might be reversible... once they diagnose it, but that's another story). In my case, being almost 25 and having to live with intractable roommates (i.e., parents) has been a great stress on me, and their occasional (but unintentional) rants on how I cost the family make me wonder if everybody is better off with me gone. (It doesn't help either that the disease has hit my brain directly, but again, another story.)

Likewise, you should discuss with your therapist any environmental situations which explicitly might trigger suicide-related thoughts. It's not just gaffs with medication that can cause this kind of reaction, situational issues can too (take this from someone who's on the business end of one now!), since your feeling of wellness is both chemical as well as social.

And I also understand your pain in feeling that "suicide is not an option". In 2004 (I was 21 at the time), I learned that my maternal grandfather, whom my mother had told me died in 1985 of a hemorrhaged aneurysm, actually was a suicide in 1987. (I never met the guy, and that's what pains me.) Every time I had a true suicidal thought after that (such as in the past year), I'd hit that wall of "suicide is not an option". Probably the biggest reason to stay alive.

So in summary, head to your pdoc and tdoc. You have been changing around your medication and running manic-depressive, so the pdoc is probably in order. If you can identify any situations that trigger this unpleasant type of thinking, talk about them with a tdoc.

I hope all gets better with you!

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