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for the last few weeks, I've been feeling shitty almost every day. it might seem okay during the day, and then as the night comes, it grows a lot worse. some days it starts out bad from the minute i return to consciousness. when I feel out of control, i comfort myself by thinking "its going to be okay, you'll die soon." and it actually makes me feel better to look forward to killing myself. I don't have any specific plans per se, but I've got this feeling like it's inevitable and soon. Both my doctors (primary care physician and psychiatrist) are away, I have no therapist (because while my doctors tell me I need one, they won't help me find one), and I'm not going to the hospital, because they make me feel bad for going when I'm not ready to kill myself for sure right that second. I feel like everyone in my life is against me, and while I recognize it's paranoid of me, I feel that it's also true. I feel like I've go no other choice but to kill myself. I have graphic visions of how I'd do it, and it makes me feel better. I don't really know what my point was when I started writing this, but those are the cards I'm playing with.

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I've read a lot of the depression posts, and this one nails how I felt when I was depressed.

It can start to feel worse, if you don't take care of it soon.

I've asked someone this already today - Can you get a referral to a therapist from your local Department of Human Services ? (Or whatever it's called in your area) Ours will do referrals to private practices, group practices, and nonprofit agencies. It's worth a call.

Hang on. Life gets better. It's hard to imagine what "normal" feels like right now, but it is possible to get there. Is there an on-call GP or psychiatrist you can talk to?

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;)we feel bad that you are having such a hard time. we used to have the suicide card option in our back pocket just incase things got too unbearable. and fantasizing was a strange sort of comfort in those dark times. but today we are so glad that we did not succeed in doing ourselves in because our feelings about everything have changed and so did our circumstances. and we are here to appreciate the good things in our life. we hope that you can forestall these urges long enough to get yourself to a better place. don't give up.
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I'm sorry it looks so hopeless just now. Since your pdoc is away, would it be possible to see someone else in that office? Also, I'm curious, and I hope you don't mind my asking this. Are you taking WellbutrinXL (name-brand stuff) or one of the generics? I'm asking because taking the generic sent me into a tailspin that was only stopped by getting back on the name-brand WB.

Life can be better than what you're experiencing. I have felt that awful hopelessness and the dread of waking up each day. I hope that you can find a more effective treatment or a good therapist to help you find your way out of this terrible spot.

olga

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