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Ever felt cheated by life?

I don't mean the regular ups and downs of daily 'living', but the never-ending physical and mental ailments that make like just not worth living sometimes.

For me it's a host of "small" things: Nearsighted, colorblind, astigmatic, tracking eye, asthma, and finally depresion (with all the wonderous personal interaction and memory problems that brings along with it).

Hell I can't even just go for a walk in the f'n park thanks to sunstroke sensitivity and the fact every mosquito in 10 miles seeks me out! (did i mention I'm also allergic to the buggers?)

How the hell am I supposed to work if I cannot remember the names of my co-workers and boss? I have a 130+ IQ and a natural talent for tech work, but it's useless if I cannot remember who game me what assignment!

All I've ever wanted is to just 'fit in' and make myself usefull, but hell no! Even the kids from elementary up through High school recgonized a looser when they saw one, and were very certain to remind me of this fact every day of my sad pitiful excuse for an existance.

What I need to know is WHY? Why me? And WHY should I even fucking bother trying anymore?

I've heard all the religious crap and none of it makes sense. The scientific method (evolution, darwinizm et all) just adds to the conclusion I'm a complete failure. Living for life's sake just don't cut it any more.

So why?

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Yeah, it's a bitch. I think a lot of people here have felt hopeless and useless. It seems to be part and parcel of being depressed.

I don't want to blow sunshine up your butt, because it sounds like you have some very real issues and physical problems.

Do you think your depression is what caused your memory problems? Or do you think it's the medications that you have taken that caused it? If your antidepressant is causing cognitive difficulties, maybe your pdoc could switch you to a different one.

I'm sorry that you feel so useless, and I hope that someday your depression will ease and you will find some pleasure in life.

olga

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Yeah, it does sound like you weren't exactly favored by life, and you're "entitled"* to suffer from depression...

Have you ever sought treatment? I think you should... It's not always easy to find a good therapist and a good psychiatrist or psych nurse practitioner (which in itself can be depressing), but if you manage to, it can be so worth it!

As far as I'm concerned, the "point" in life is to find some things that you're good at and that you enjoy (without hurting people around you; I do appreciate a more-or-less orderly society). I do "believe" in evolution (it was my concentration in college), but I'm planning on being an evolutionary dead end. First of all, I simply don't like babies (older kids are OK). Call that "unnatural" (it is from the point of view of evolution); I simply don't care. I also think that I can make my tiny little insignificant contribution to society in other ways.

OK, let's end my little bit of lousy philosophizing right here. ;)

I have a friend who's mysteriously ill. One of his known (and treated) problems is obstructive sleep apnea, but that's only the tip of the iceberg (although quality sleep is of course necessary for good health). He gets tired really easily. Doing a little bit of grocery shopping or landry makes him feel exhausted for the next couple of days. He can't work fulltime, and working parttime is also pretty difficult because the commute (on the subway) exhausts him...

At one point, his grandfather ponied up the money to send him to the Mayo Clinic, but they couldn't find anything wrong with him.

By sheer luck, he found a parttime job for this online computer game thing, and he gets to work from home. Even that isn't easy for him, but at least it's something he enjoys doing. I'm pretty sure he's not actually fully content with his life (or anything close to that), but he gets by. (I'm pretty sure he's living with some roommates because I don't think he'd be able to afford a Boston apartment while working parttime.)

I realize that this isn't the most heartening of stories, but I don't have a better one (or, at least, one that seems more relevant to your problems).

*Of course in reality, some people are born with an ability to withstand more shit without becoming depressed than other people; on the other hand, my own threshold for depression is pretty low, so I'm very prone to it...

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I doubt there's anyone who has suffered from depression or any other physical or psychological illness who hasn't asked, "Why me?" It comes with the territory, doesn't it?

It's easy to get down about it all. But rather than conclude that I am a "loser", I try to accept* the fact that I have limitations. These issues

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when i talk about my shortcomings and limitaions to the exclusion of everything else my husband says,"Hey, that's your depression talking." and usually he is right. maybe if you focus your energy on doing everything you can to help alleviate your depression you will get to a place where your other problems are less overwhelming for you. maybe a med adjustment or looking for a simple easy short term goal to go after will help you to feel differently about yourself and your circumstances. also, asking why we are the way we are doesn't make any sense to me. even if there was a way to find out why how would it really affect anything? it is more productive to ask, what can i do right now to make things better for myself? good luck. maybe hanging out here will help you to think more positively about your life.

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Guest Guest_Heidelberg_*

Not trying to be a "sunshine pumper" I don't have any reason to think you're a loser. Course I can relate to how you feel. I don't have all the same ailments as you do but I have my own bunch (eyes going bad, type 1 diabetes, depression add) But I wanted to say losers don't care. - as in don't care in a bad way. You're still somebody and have a lot to contribute and a ways to grow, but yeah, dammit why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Theres gotta be something out there for you. ANd thank you - cause you reminded me that I'm not the only person that feels that way!

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*SIGH* Felling a lot better with that off my chest.

What bothers me about it all is none of it is really 'serious' stuff like diabetes or Schizophrenia. Its a pile of small time stuff that somehow manages to screw up my life anyhow. Can't be a professional pilot, driver, or even an architect due to color blindness. (And the pilot bit really sucks cause I'm a natural at it!) The Asthma has torpedoed my drafting career because all the fabrication companies like to put the drafting department as close as possible to the shop floor (with all the welding, painting, and grinding...). And the depression brings in a whole host of symptoms like memory issues and anxiety attacks; just the sort of thing for high-stress jobs.

I have tried "professional" help, and it left me off WORSE than I was before. When I was 7 my parents brought me in to see a child-psychologist. His idea of "treatment" was to have me institutionalized for 3 months ("Really son, they just want to observe you for a couple of weeks!") and lock me in a bare concrete room -for days on end - with only a plexi-shielded window 6 feet up for illumination. I vividly remember somehow scrabbling up the window sill and banging on the plexi for hours on end trying to get out. So what if I would have likely fallen to my death 8 floors down, at least I would be OUT. (Wonder about the anxiety now?)

I tried again three times recently and it was a disappointment every time. The First doctor said "Here these will fix you up!" and put me on tranylcypromine... and it caused me to become totally disassociative. The second time the doctor diagnosed me with ADHD before he even interviewed me! Fortunately I told him to stuff himself and got a specialist to diagnose me... dysthymic depression w/anxiety and memory issues. Their idea of treatment was to put me on Effexor and reffer me to my regular Doctor for further treatment. It was much better, in the way a gutshot is better than a bullet through the head! Nausea, muscle and head aches, and the drowsiness! Third time I had a nervous breakdown at work due to an abusive SOB co-worker the managers would do nothing about. I referred myself to a new Psych who said I should take some paid time off work and attend some group counseling sessions. The sessions were useless waste of time and nobody would even listen to me (they had a nice little clique there), and the paperwork all mysteriously disappeared along with the psych after she transfered out. After giving up on them I finally convinced my regular doc to switch meds... we've tried Paxil, Celexa, Wellbutrin, and finally Celexa again due to side effects. Nothing fits and I still sleep half the day away.

End result is I don't trust the Psychs, and my condition is getting worse as I get older. So to winde up a long storey: Forgive me my despondency, I've got little else to hold onto.

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about the teasing in school and crap...i have had to come to terms with it myself.

i have come to the conclusion that it really isn't about me. it is about hundreds of generations failing to teach compassion, empathy and tolerance to the next generation. it is ingrained in our makeup.

therefore, i have decided that i cannot blame those who made fun of me. instead, i blame society as a whole. yes, i do think parents should be responsible, but, they too are clueless.

i carried that crap with me for years. "oh, they were right". but, they just aren't. they have just been misguided.

all the best,

kathy

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Can't be a professional pilot, driver, or even an architect due to color blindness. (And the pilot bit really sucks cause I'm a natural at it!)

Not to be a downer, but the FAA would probably also balk at the depression/medication thing during your medical exams.

I've loved the idea of going into aviation myself, but once I learned that depression and/or anxiety can wind up being disqualifying factors (particularly in terms of flying professionally), I decided not to bother. No sense in spending the money when there's an obvious roadblock ahead. So I gotta content myself with computer flight sims. (On the up side, there are

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"Oh man you're SO talented in art [subjective], music [subjective], cooking [subjective], science, biology, and statistics! You're gonna go far, kid!"

Yeah, like that's gonna happen with MDD "on my side" along with a severe case of AD/HD. Well, those two are not terribly difficult to work with (or is it against?).

Part of what holds me back is my anti-sociability and rejection sensitivity. I remember at my last job, I had to sit there lecturing two postdoctorate fellows (PhD + 4 years of experience versus my bachelor's degree!) about some basic receptor biology that they couldn't figure out. Obviously, having the letters "P", "H", and "D" following your name is requisite to attaining any success in biomedical research. That's why I'm intending on crossing over to the engineering side of the discipline, where the letters "M", "S", and "E" are sufficient to get you into a good job.

And I'll not start on the physical issues (i.e., for me, chronic infection with parkinsonism, partial R/G colorblindness, and you know that nasty flu-like fatigued achy feverish sensation? 24/7 for me. And I won't delve into the stomach issues). Those are what REALLY hold me back from doing any good for society.

So I'm sitting here on my pathetic ass asking myself the same question everybody here is asking... what good am I??

Answer coming soon, I hope...

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I hear ya about the PHD's... I've had the same experience with "professional" engineers. One couldn't figure out that you cannot run manually operated closers THROUGH a pipe! Then there were these two who were designing a tower, and forgot what a hertz is! (I was so tempted to tell them it was a GM product...)

ENGINEER is a four letter word in my vocab now... ;)

Anyhow, the whole point of my post is really to ask: How do you folks cope with this? Cause I'm doing fairly poorly and could use some advise from people that ACTUALLY have copped with depression-et-al. (For some strange reason I don't trust the "doctors", they give nonsensical answers...)

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I hear ya about the PHD's... I've had the same experience with "professional" engineers. One couldn't figure out that you cannot run manually operated closers THROUGH a pipe! Then there were these two who were designing a tower...

Personally, I have no idea what you're talking about (unless you're discussing HVAC), then again, I'm going into industrial (process design) engineering, aka "imagineering" (it goes hand-in-hand with biotechnology and healthcare), so the actual engineering of physical parts confuses the hell out of me. I had a hell of a time with the mechanical engineers who came in and attempted to set up automated "DNA bots" (aka liquid handlers) to perform some processes for us. I didn't think they liked a 19 year old college intern shouting orders at them (though the project really ended when my boss, an accomplished 50 year old molecular biologist, gave them a good "dose" for being incompetent).

...and forgot what a hertz is! (I was so tempted to tell them it was a GM product...)

Next time, tell them it's a company that merged with Uranus, Inc., forming the Uranus-Hertz Corporation. (Credit for that gem goes to Scott Adams and his comic "Dilbert").

Anyhow, the whole point of my post is really to ask: How do you folks cope with this? Cause I'm doing fairly poorly and could use some advise from people that ACTUALLY have copped with depression-et-al. (For some strange reason I don't trust the "doctors", they give nonsensical answers...)

Ah right, the topic, the topic. Back on topic, right. (I have issues with this, it comes with the territory of being AD/HD+HFA+MDD/BP2). I don't know if I can say much, since I am doing poorly as well and feel like I am running out of options. I'm fairly sure I've ruled out suicide (reasons of principle, my maternal grandfather, who was basically a 53 year-older version of me, offed himself in 1987 before I could meet him).

Being stuck at home (and oftein nailed to my bed practically) with a physical illness and then strapped to my bed with a couple mental ones, I'm still trying to find ways to cope with the entire situation.

I can only have suggestions here... If you have physical pain/fatigue and/or somatoform pain/fatigue issues, seeing a health psych tdoc might help... as far as I know, there are two major types, "pain medicine" doctors, as well as health counselors. The former deal with, well, pain, and the pain attendant w/depression, and treat people with stuff like biofeedback, relaxation techniques, etc. Pain medicine tdocs generally also professionals who deal with various chronic pain syndromes (such as migraines, RSD, CRPS, etc.) - where the physical part may not be modifiable, but where mental changes might help.

Health counselors help you socially deal with various life-changing chronic 'physical' illnesses, including everything from CFIDS to MS to HIV to cancer. There are some tdocs who do both it and pain medicine (as there's a lot of overlap). I saw a "pain medicine" tdoc last year for a few months, and he helped pick apart what part of my infection syndrome could readily be improved by behavioral modifications and which parts were purely physical and required a neurologist and infectious disease specialist to treat. He pretty much told me I wasn't as stupid as I thought, but that I should also be seeing some 'physical-type' doctors to fix the rest of the problem in order to preserve life and limb.

I am going to see my regular tdoc (a CBT practitioner who has known me for 5 years, and I really like CBT being a rationale-only autie), and will be seeing a health psychologist afterwards. Personally, I need help w/my self-esteem trying to find employment and education that will work around my fever (it begins around noon and goes through to about 10PM). You might benefit from some good counseling, and I know you're aversive to therapy given your earlier experiences (especially that first one you had as a child, that was a major "WTF" for me!!). Honestly, you may wish to consider pain medicine therapy, although I don't know the nature (if any) of your somatoform or physical symptoms.

And as far as meds go, well, there is the infamous "med-go-round". I'm on 4 (!!!) meds now for "purely psychiatric issues", and 3 more (!!!!!!!) for "purely physical" issues. My mental status is sort of dysthymic but stable (have avoided MAJOR depressive episodes), but my physical status is slightly deteriorating and VERY disabling, causing my mental status to go down slowly. Nonetheless, I am happy with my combination of meds. I am lucky in that starting 'X' med (out of my current 'cocktail') has never exacerbated any of my MI symptoms. That's the reason that 'X' med is in my cocktail. However, some failed meds (for me, this includes Strattera, Zyprexa, and Abilify) just give me plain traumatic memories of insomnia, nausea, near-vomiting, daytime sedation, and the worst, akathisia. So you really must consult and develop a good professional relationship with a reputable pdoc, instead of attempting to manage your meds from every which way but South (I don't recommend managing any healthcare in the South, anyways).

I know I was a little ambiguous up there, but I hope this helps you on the road to recovery. Functional recovery anyways, I think we both could use some.

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As I can tell you, asthma and depression are mutually aggravating-such that if I'm feeling lethargic I use my peak-flow meter before I assume it's my depression. If you don't have a peak flow meter, go get one.

I do wonder if it isn't possible for you to draft in a graphic arts shop (clean)or a computer-chip factory(really clean), or better yet, you could arrange to get your own sealed-off office with an oversize HEPA filter, so that you could, in fact, work anywhere.

The companies' failure to accomodate your need for clean air is a disability-accomodation issue. There's no need for you to have to suck dirty air as part of your job.

For really bad air days in my city, I keep a painter's respirator.

I doubt anyone would want to mug someone with a gas mask on... ;)

As for dealing with the depression, I just keep slogging, try to accomplish my Activities of Daily Living. I cling to my job like the lifeline it is, and I tell myself my depression will pass. If it doesn't pass, I go get a different sort of pill. I set myself little goals. I push myself, but if I don't/can't meet the goals I try to cut myself slack. Caffiene is my friend...but my friend may be pushing up my blood pressure, so I need to watch it. If I can force myself to work out, I do.

Thinking big global questions, like "When's it going to end?" "What good is my life?" "Why bother?" seems to be A Reallly Bad Idea when I'm down.

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All I've ever wanted is to just 'fit in' and make myself usefull, but hell no! Even the kids from elementary up through High school recgonized a looser when they saw one, and were very certain to remind me of this fact every day of my sad pitiful excuse for an existance.

What I need to know is WHY? Why me? And WHY should I even fucking bother trying anymore?

This used to be my daily mantra, "I just want to fit in...to be invisible...to live my life just like everyone else does." The harder I fought against my "true nature" (MDD, followed by BPII, diabetes and sleep apnea), the more unhappy I was. I wanted a pdoc and/or a tdoc to tell me they could fix me and make me like everyone else.

After fighting against myself for about 20 years, I switched course b/c I was tired of trying the same ole sh*t that didn't make a difference. I searched out a pdoc that was willing to work with me instead of throwing pills and dx at me. I also did a serious amount of research on my illnesses and educated myself as to the best treatments. That way, when I went in to see "Pdoc A" I was armed with info and questions. It took seeing three pdocs over 5 years before I finally found one I clicked with.

So, I suppose the answer to your questions about why you should keep trying is that you haven't found what you're looking for. Unfortunately, you often have to go through a lot of bullsh*t to get there.

Just by reaching out on this board, you're showing that you're not ready to give up...you just need some new ideas and strategies.

Peace to you,

Phoenix

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I often get a case of the "why me" stuff too. I'm so exhausted, I literally cannot function. They kept telling me I was depressed and I finally found out I actually have Narcolepsy. So, I'm on meds for it, but they don't work well. I look at my friends go out and do normal things, I see my neighbors working in the yard and THAT depresses me because I don't have the energy to do ANY of those thing.

I was in decent shape until a few years ago, but now I'm going downhill. I don't drive much because it's not very safe and so I am alone in the house a lot. That too is depressing. People don't understand why I can't go out anymore, and they think my meds should make me "normal" but I'm already over the limit on the daily dose and I guess my body just needs more.

Hang in there. I know that sounds easy to say, but it's not. As my sleep gets worse, so do my memory problems and cognitive abilities. My IQ is high, but I feel really stupid when I cannot think of a word I want to use and it's frustrating as hell.

Keep trying to find the right med. It's tough, but there is probably one that will help.

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