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massive breakdown help


Guest lostinthougthandjaded

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Guest lostinthougthandjaded

I am having a massive massive breakdown, please, and even if you just listen, it will help me just a little.... of course, advice might help too, so have at'er..... I'm lost regardless....

;)

one of my oldest and closest friends was killed in an accident last week... god bless his family (sarcastically) they went with the open casket. It wrecked me.

I was teetering before, hanging tenuously on to somewhat steady sleep and moods, a fairly balanced disposition, despite my straying into mild depressions and manias...

I had gotten my sh*t together and kicked out the loser boyfriend, got a great new job (in an industry I hate, mind you) and got onto a decent combo prescription of Lamotrigine and Prozac, with some ativan to throw at the panic attacks. Most of my black black black depression cleared away, and I had stopped having to literally hold myself and talk myself down from offing myself in some very very well thought out scenarios.

I was able to focus well enough, socialize well enough, work well enough and function well enough. I certainly wasn't maintaining those wonderful enjoyable super-manias that had enabled me to work 70 hours a week and still have time for family, friends and whatever strange hobby grabbed my passions at the moment- but..... I was maintaining. I didn't pin, then crash, then pin, then crash... it sucked in it's normalcy, but it was overall fine. Fine. Fine is supposed to be good, and it was.

But then I started slipping. An old aquaintance that I had seen recently had committed suicide and some stuff got triggered in me... my sleep started going to shit, along with any levels of focus... I was getting depressed.. the mood swings were widening and my sarcasm and cynicism was returning fullforce... I went and got myself a tattoo so that I didn't self-harm, or obsess about the futility over obsessing about death. "So it goes," they say.... I got that on my forearm.

Then this. the funeral was the most brutally tragic, emotional and political one I have ever been to, of the many that I have already been to. Yes, tragically I have a bar set for these things... Our circle of friends is particularly cliquey and political and scandalous amongst themselves... I can't do the drugs they use to cope anymore. I don't have the large parents' bank accounts that they can dip into during emergencies. I can't get time off work, I can't even drive anywhere to just "get away".

I started smoking again. Which I can't afford. I'm using Seroquel just to sleep, otherwise I'll just end up staying awake for days straight. I've already blown a couple hundred dollars I don't have on things I don't need (it would be thousands, but like most nuts, my credit cards have already been maxed out and revoked...).

:) :) ^_^:P:( :( :(

Warning. Graphic for some.

Worst of all, I started cutting again... bad. Don't read this if you don't want to hear it or be triggered by anything, but I can't always just use euphemisms and cute slangs to talk about this. Nothing gets done.

First, I was cutting. Just a little place on my ankle, where no one would notice. It's the same place I've used all my life. Then, that didn't really "do it" for me anymore. So I'd use a hot knife in the same place instead of scissors. But then, that almost got too easy and quick, so now I'm full on slashing my ankle. Not deep enough to warrant an emergency visit for stitches, but big and nasty and angry. Worse than before.

:(

You can start reading again, the bad part's over.

My roommate is on lithium and is the only one who notices when I s-i like this, but right now I'm even hiding it from her. I have a psych appointment a month away with my usual wonderfully intelligent and compassionate doctor, but what the eff do I do till then? I've beaten addictions and for more than a year, I carefully and obsessively made sure to never abuse my ativan, but let's just say that every day, my tolerance has been getting higher....

What in the world do I do...?

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Guest lostinthoughtandjaded

I just realized that perhaps this is more appropriate in the SI forum rather than bipolar, but this is where I usually end up on the site... sorry if it needs to be moved....

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Hi--

First, I am so sorry for your loss. And that you're in crisis now. I want to point out that you have beaten your addictions for more than a year -- maybe hold on to that thought, if you can. Is it possible for you to call your doctor and get in sooner? This sounds like an emergency to me, for what it's worth. Like you're astute and bright enough to realize that you're teetering on the edge. Hold on; you know it can and does get better. My thoughts are with you...you are not alone.

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first i wanna say i'm sorry for your losses ;)

i recently went through the open casket stuff with my grandmother. it was rough, i understand that going through that can really mess you up for a bit. i think it's supposed to, isn't it? i guess maybe for us nutjobs it's just louder and more insistent? i'm sorry too about the suicide - it doesn't matter how close you were, i bet it reverberates within every one of us who's ever considered "it" when things like that touch our lives. it would really upset me too.

it sounds like things were really going well for you there. it sounds like you had a good med combo (for that time) and were doing positive things to improve your health and quality of life - good for you, i know that wasn't easy. i am 99% sure that taking this downturn is due to nothing you did wrong, or could control. i'm so sorry you are crashing so hard now after tasting "normal" - i also relate strongly to that right now. just for different reasons (mine's physical).

for some reason, since i was "better" there for a minute, i feel like i'm not allowed to be crazy again. do you feel that way? i think it's probably preventing me from getting as much help as i need right now. i wonder if you're finding it hard to reach out to the right places (rather than the smoking and the SI). do you have anyone (professional) set up to handle a crisis like this before that month is up (i know it's hard to get in to see your own pdoc as quickly as you need to)? if there isn't anyone who can see you right away, please consider going to emerg - if only to get you some help faster.

i think right now you're trying to figure out how to medicate yourself into coping (the seroquel and ativan, i know i'm struggling with the benzo demon too - and trying hard to dig my heels in and not get addicted - and just this morning i was considering popping a zyprexa too, so no judgement here). figuring out your own meds is kinda hard to do when you're feeling/thinking crazy. somebody professional can probably figure out better what to do med-wise that will get you through this until you can find that "good" place again. and they can help keep you safe, if you really wanna get the SI under control (it sounds like it's getting a little out of control maybe? i'm saying that as a former cutter, but everyone's different that way). i think what you're going through is definitely enough to say waiting a month is too long.

i really don't know what options you have available to you, i don't know where you are, but if nothing else, you probably have a local crisis line... go for it NOW if you can't go to the ER. if not, there are 1-800 numbers listed up at the top of the board somewhere (sorry bad memory right now) - at least maybe when the urges are at their worst, they could give you someone to talk to until you think you might be okay again for a bit.

you did reach out here and that's a good thing. that tells me maybe you still remember what to do when it gets like this, because you've felt like this before i bet :) . give yourself permission to do the things you need to get the right help - please.

i wish i had something to say that was more concrete or uplifting than that. except hang on, and if nothing else just keep writing to people and don't lie to your roommate, okay? dammit i just identify so hard right now. i'm stuck waiting too and getting desperate. i don't want you to feel like this :)

- lysergia

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Guest lostinthoughtandjaded

oh lysergia... you are my favorite human on the planet right now... just thanks...

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Lysergia IS the best!!!

Lost in thought You can do it. You can and will get through this. Really. Try alternatives to self harm as much as possible. Substitute with a lesser evil. You will be glad you tried. After 100 times of not harming yourself when you want to and you will have a NEW way to live. Take a step closer to being in a different space.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest lostinthoughtandjaded

So, I'm not doing any better at all since I started my roll down Breakdown Hill. I'm doing much worse, my previously imagined strong network of friends has frazzled and fizzled out, and even my family is asking me if maybe I'm just chasing my own tail, and creating a problem where there is none. I don't know why visual scars can't serve as a simple reminder for them that this is actually pretty real.

So... while I slowly and semi-reluctantly self-destruct... I HAVE moved up my psychiatrist's appointment, but it's still ten days away. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin... but if I "check in" somewhere, I seriously risk losing my income, so I'm doing everything I can to avoid ending up there. That said though, if I need to go: I'll need to go.

Soooooo........ I have no clue what to do till then, but payday is tomorrow so I'm sure it'll be something stupid......

Wish me luck....

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So, I'm not doing any better at all since I started my roll down Breakdown Hill. I'm doing much worse, my previously imagined strong network of friends has frazzled and fizzled out, and even my family is asking me if maybe I'm just chasing my own tail, and creating a problem where there is none. I don't know why visual scars can't serve as a simple reminder for them that this is actually pretty real.

So... while I slowly and semi-reluctantly self-destruct... I HAVE moved up my psychiatrist's appointment, but it's still ten days away. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin... but if I "check in" somewhere, I seriously risk losing my income, so I'm doing everything I can to avoid ending up there. That said though, if I need to go: I'll need to go.

Soooooo........ I have no clue what to do till then, but payday is tomorrow so I'm sure it'll be something stupid......

Wish me luck....

10 days is like 10yrs..have someone take you to the ER to get immediate help/relief--i was where u are 3 weeks ago and thats what i did

my prayers r with you

hugs

Lew

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Soooooo........ I have no clue what to do till then, but payday is tomorrow so I'm sure it'll be something stupid......

I wish that you could check in to a treatment place of some sort---it sounds like you've had a truly hideous time of it lately.

When you get paid tomorrow, is there anyone you trust who could take your paycheck for you? Maybe you could keep out enough for gas, food and a few necessities, but have a friend keep as much of the check as you can afford to save. I don't know if that's possible for you, but some of our CB friends who are in a "spendy" frame of mind get rid of the money before they blow it all.

Karuna once suggested to someone that they freeze the credit card in a big block of ice. (You can't nuke it because that would destroy the card, but waiting for it to melt would give you time to think about it.) Anyway, I know you don't have credit cards, but the idea is the same---putting your money out of your reach while you're in such a volatile place.

We really do care what happens to you. All of us here have been in that black pit and we understand despair and fear and anxiety. I hope you can hold on until you can get some concrete help.

sympathetically,

olga

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I've been where you are too many times. Well, not the s.i., but the overwhelming depression and hopelessness. It seems like things will never get better. But when you think that, remember how you were recently. And a whole yr.! That's something to be proud of. Go to ER if you need to. At least talk to a crisis line. The last time I was in crisis, I didn't do anything. Well, I called and left a msg. w/ pdoc's nurse. Took a wk. for her to get back to me. Couldn't get a sooner appt. And when the nurse called i was feeling better, but it was really scary looking back and seeing ;):) how close I was to ending it. When I could have gotten some kind of help. Don't put yourself through that. Be safe. Melissa

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So, I'm not doing any better at all since I started my roll down Breakdown Hill. I'm doing much worse, my previously imagined strong network of friends has frazzled and fizzled out, and even my family is asking me if maybe I'm just chasing my own tail, and creating a problem where there is none. I don't know why visual scars can't serve as a simple reminder for them that this is actually pretty real.

ugh i am so sorry. i'm starting to hear the same thing - like i'm doing this to myself, somehow, like i'm getting something out of it? like WHAT? maybe we can explain together how much fun it is to feel like that if you can't get out of your own head in the next five minutes you'd rather <insertsomethingtriggering> ;)

and you're right about the external reminders. you would think that would be enough. it isn't. people are thick.

So... while I slowly and semi-reluctantly self-destruct... I HAVE moved up my psychiatrist's appointment, but it's still ten days away. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin... but if I "check in" somewhere, I seriously risk losing my income, so I'm doing everything I can to avoid ending up there. That said though, if I need to go: I'll need to go.

okay, i'm glad to hear that if you need to go, you will - and it's really good that you moved up your appointment date (though i agree that ten days can be ten years depending on how you're feeling). i know you don't wanna lose your income - it's important, but that could be something to worry about later depending on how you feel right now. i think you're smart enough to see when money is really less important than "the urge". what are you doing in the meantime, until the ten days have gone by? i know your friends are being fuckwads about it, is there anything you can do without them that's calming or helps you remember something about life that you like? i invariably end up doing solitary activities when i'm this close to the edge (and not getting admitted), because nobody gets it and i can't fake it anymore and i can't handle their reactions so they all either just get "unavailable" or i end up telling them to leave me the fuck alone anyway.

Soooooo........ I have no clue what to do till then, but payday is tomorrow so I'm sure it'll be something stupid......

Wish me luck....

ok - good luck! however, the payday thing is scary. one of the things that has stopped me from much stupidity is not having very much control over cash (i control less than a hundred dollars a month, yes it sucks). is there ANYBODY you could trust to hold on to most of it for now? keep some, so you can do some things that feel good right now but won't make you worse in the long run. like go buy something little and silly but hey you like it. my thing is candles (and costume jewelery). it's stupid but it's something to do. or maybe there's a cheap activity that will fill some of that horrible time until the next ten days, like go see bad movies or plays or i dunno paint your computer desk or something (yes i've done that in desperation, stop laughing). i also kill hella time buying cappucino and sitting outside caf

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i hope your feeling back to yourself soon..IMO, keep the shrink until u find someone in network--this person is totally incompetent to deal with our lives

honestly, i have to printout a sheet to show her each visit, because she has no friggin clue..she practically licked me out of her office after 15 min, saying that all she gets per patient

she is more concerned w.her license shes like 70, she says if another dr. finds out your on all these meds i could lose m license--i told her if it took 50 meds, i dont care as long as i am well

my meds below arent a lot as some others

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Guest lostinthoughtandjaded

I'm doing everything I can... but honestly, it just keeps getting harder...

the money suggestions are brilliant.... ha... if only I still had credit cards... I've got the equivalent of university student loans due to my ex-fiancee sucking me dry... but at least per paycheck I could squirrel some away with a dear friend... I may actually even have one that's trustworthy enough... totally not willing to go through my parents with that one, based on the trouble they have accepting or understanding what in the hell is wrong with me... at least they told me, now that they 'know' I'm bipolar, there are certain things they don't blame me for anymore... not a clue what it's supposed to mean, but it sure made me feel like a jerk...

anyway, I'm going out of town on a mini road trip with my best friend tonight, so at least I'll be out of my bedroom and with somebody...

but if I return home and these feelings are not diminished I will just have to risk the consequences and head for ER...

you guys are all wonderful human beings... just in case nobody's told you lately..... thanks....

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