Everything sucks so much

[MiaB]

I'm sick of the whole damn world.

[jadegreendiva]

First of all,  I don't think that you should feel sorry for posting.  You need to get things off of your chest.  When I read about those of you who are married to someone with MI as well, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult your lives are. 

I don't have any perfect answers for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  Stay strong.  It may not seem like it, but if you have survived 19 meds already, you are damn strong!  If you are supporting your husband while dealing with your MI issues, you are damn strong!  It may be difficult to keep those things at the forefront of your thoughts when you are in the pits of despair, but I hope you remember although things suck, you seem to be managing amazingly well.

Take care of yourself,

Jadegreendiva

[sun_zoom_spark]

Skittle-

How long have you been dx'd? It took me about 20 different meds and over two years to finally feel 'sane'. And that's not everyday.

Your boat is full. I think you need a vacation.

[withing]

Oh Lisa,

I know... I know... I've been there.  I feel your pain.  Really.  Trust me... being the "responsible" one sucks ass *especially* when you're not stable.  Being poor sucks ass.  Being *any* flavor of BP or MI sucks ass... taking meds sucks royal ass, and taking the wrong meds sucks royal unwiped ass. 

The only thing I can say (IN MY OPINION) is that you can't be responsible for your husband's reactions to *your* health.  As they say, you have to think of you.  If your husband "falls apart" because you put you first... that's his problem - not yours. After all, he is a grown man, even if he has his own MI issues. It sounds cold, and it sounds hard, but that's the truth of it.  You so can't live your life around what other people do, because that's how you tear yourself apart. 

Same with your sister and husband hating each other... let them deal with it.  My sister and my first husband *loathed* each other... Wasn't my problem.  They could either deal or not.  I wasn't getting involved.  They are *adults*, not children in grade school that need to be guided by teacher.

You are a caring person and deserve to live a good life.  If you have to take a rest (hospitalization) and get better... you should.  Yeah, look at me talking... I'm putting off seeing a pdoc right now - throw rocks at me later...  Still. I like you.  So there.  Validation.  All the way from North Carolina, USA.

[NARS]

Ouch.  That does suck.

But I agree with your doctor.  When would be right to be selfish if not now?  And if nothing else, doesn't it make sense to be selfish, go inpatient and get some balance back?  What are you going to be able to do to help anyone else if you're in this state?

It's never a good time to go to the hospital.  You sound even more stubborn than me.  If I hadn't been able to retreat into my solitary apartment I'd have been hospitalized long, long before I ended up getting diagnosed.  As it was, I was able to "function", so I staggered on in terrible shape for years.

Maybe it's an opportunity (Oh, I know, that was a terrible thing to say.  Sorry, but I won't take it back.  Really).  Maybe you need to stop being Atlas holding up the world and be more like a woman who's in pain.  Take care of yourself; it sure sounds like noone else is going to.  We need to learn to use our strength for ourselves.  At least that's what I'm telling myself...

Good luck, and keep venting.  It's good for the soul.

[Squirlygrl]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I hope the work situation evolves so that you can take the time that you need to get better.  (Does pdoc have any ideas about how to afford time off for the hospital?) 

And if you end up doing that, I hope it causes your husband and sister to wise up.  I say that as someone who's had years to perfect the line "It is not my job to console my loved ones because they can't stand each other, or to coach them on how to get along, or even to watch them pout and sulk like martyrs.  It is their job, because they love me, to save all of that stuff until I'm out of the room."  Stupid loved ones.

I hope things get better,

sg

[gretl]

Sometimes things have to completely break down before they can build back up.  If you're like me, and feel responsible to handle everything for everybody, do like I did and look at taking care of yourself as the ONLY way you're going to be able to take care of them.  (Twisted logic, I know.  I've gotten a little better about it.  But I still sometimes find myself triggered to do something good for myself only after I can justify it as helping someone else.  Aaarrgh.) 

Maybe hubby will surprise you/himself and find a solid inner core of strength if you throw caution to the wind and admit yourself.  If he ends up breaking down too, then you can share a room 

If you're feeling invalidated and disrespected by everyone around you, give yourself a |time.out| .... and find a way to at least not get that from your own inner self.  Respect and take care of yourself.  Ta heck with THEM. 

I'm so sorry things have reached this point for you!  I love your posts, and wish I could do more than send virtual hugs and good vibes from Washington, USA (as Patheral put it!)

Keep in touch with us, k?

[MiaB]

Thanks so much to everyone for the responses-- please forgive me for not having the energy to answer everyone individually, but please know that I read everyone and appreciated hugely what you all said.

A brief update-- I saw my pdoc on Tues (July 26) and she wanted to put me in hospital immediately.  I had massive deadlines at work and was freaking out about them on top of everything else (not that I'm able to be particularly competent there right now, but whatever- that's how my mind works), and we agreed that I would go in for 3 weeks from tonight (Sunday).  Also told me not to go home, to stay away from my husband and have no contact with him, except via letters, for at least 10 days. 

Went home (really wasn't practical to follow her advice to send a friend to collect clothes and go stay with them until today; actually in retrospect that probably had a lot to do with having someone else touch my "stuff".  Also couldn't bear the thought of my SO's reaction if that happened)... that night, had serious talk with my husband.  Some things got a bit clearer.  Then everything went to hell again on Thurs and Friday.  He basically said he would kill himself if I went into hospital (actually not "basically", that's exactly what he did say).  Friday night we went out to dinner and really talked, and started to reconnect and understand each other, re-align so to speak.  So much of what's happening has to do not only with the combined energies of our illnesses (two BPI people living together, not fabulous combination; all that energy bouncing off each other and the walls, ceiling and floors), but with the fact that we're being slammed with negative feedback from the people around us.  My family hates our marriage and wants it to fail.  I can only take so much before my defences fall down and I start wondering what's true and what isn't.  Yesterday was a good, positive day-- we went out and wandered around little esoteric book and crystal stores, the kind of thing we get a kick out of.  (Even though I'm on a crutch after snapping a tendon in my ankle by... wait for it... falling out my car.  Don't ask.   And no, no alcohol was involved!)

Although I must be honest and say I felt it was manipulative to be told "I will kill myself if you go into hospital".  Decision made however; this relationship, despite all the shit, is important and I want it to work.  Some sort of couples counselling is in our very near future.

Anyway, left message with pdoc on Fri to say I wasn't going into hospital, haven't heard back.  Just called the clinic where she'd booked a bed for me from tonight and found it unexpectedly upsetting to cancel it.  Guess that need to be taken care of and not make decisions and be told when to eat, go to groups, take my meds is actually something I need.  But.... well, decision is made.

I'd still appreciate blunt, honest feedback.  I am feeling fragile though, so please be a little gentle.  I really am grateful for this board-- right this moment, it's all I have to set down my thoughts re the whole situation.

Thanks for listening to me whine, for saying nice things and being supportive.. it means a hell of a lot.

Lisa

[NARS]

I'll be blunt, so don't read further if you don't want to hear it:

I'm sad you're not going to the hospital; it sounds like you rationalized your way out of it, with your husband's help.  I think your doc was right to say no contact, because I'm sure she knew this would happen if you went home and talked.

I hope things get better on their own, of course.  That is always the best.  But if not, try to keep the hospital option open.  I know you don't want to go but it seems you need an out if things don't work out.

[MiaB]

I'll be blunt, so don't read further if you don't want to hear it:

I'm sad you're not going to the hospital; it sounds like you rationalized your way out of it, with your husband's help.  I think your doc was right to say no contact, because I'm sure she knew this would happen if you went home and talked.

Not so blunt that I don't see the truth in what you said.  Thanks NARS.  Really, I'm at a loss as to what to do.  Hoping that now it's Mon morning my doc will actually get all my messages and I'll be able to see her today.  Feeling upset and confused... argh

PS have noticed that when I'm not logged in the icon next to my original post shows up as a smiley laughing face instead of the skull trigger.  Bizarre! Smiley laughing face was NOT what I wanted against the post. 

[Guest Patheral (not logged in)]

I'll be blunt, so don't read further if you don't want to hear it:

I'm sad you're not going to the hospital; it sounds like you rationalized your way out of it, with your husband's help.

[MiaB]

patheral -- thanks for the honest reply.. much appreciated.  I sent you a pm - please check your messages. 

thx

Lisa

[Loon-A-TiK]

Being a BP1 is NO EXCUSE for your husband to try to hold you back from the treatment you obviously need. Listen to your pdoc, they are the professional you hired and trust to help you maintain your condition.

The hospital is not some evil, terrible place. The worst part is the feelings involved prior to admission, and the drama, and then going through the admissions process. I've done it 4 times- once on the very day I was awarded temporary legal custody of my younger siblings (stepmom was a drug addict and dad BP1 in mania). MY POINT- along with NARS, I have to remind you and assure you that the world will not fall apart without you, you NEED this to get yourself together, and you are going to be unable to function to help yourself or anyone else without this hospitalization.

Our pdoc appointments are tune-ups. But sometimes we need to go in the shop. It happens. Some BP people need it and just refuse, now how much sense does that make?

Also, about your hubby- he is an adult. He can and will make his own decisions regarding his continuing life or ending his life. You are NOT responsible for whatever choices he makes in that regard. My dad did commit suicide shortly after I got custody of the kids- it had nothing to do with me or anyone else. He made that choice, and nothing would have stopped him. You not receiving medical treatment will not provoke or prevent a suicide. He needs to realize he is responsible for how he feels, and responsible for getting help if your hospitalization will really upset his balance that badly. You are NOT responsible for another adult's life choices, even if they are your spouse.

With this chronic disorder, we all have to take responsibility for our LIVES. Did you know that over half of all BP dxs try to commit suicide during the course of their lives, and between 15-20% of BP people will die of their disorder? That is worse than many cancers, heart conditions, and other things that get so much sympathy and publicity. BP is NOT a joke. It kills, just go to Sunset Memorial and visit my dad...

[MiaB]

The hospital is not some evil, terrible place.

oh, trust me, I know this - I've had 5 or 6 hospitalisations over the past few years.

Also, about your hubby- he is an adult. He can and will make his own decisions regarding his continuing life or ending his life. You are NOT responsible for whatever choices he makes in that regard. My dad did commit suicide shortly after I got custody of the kids- it had nothing to do with me or anyone else. He made that choice, and nothing would have stopped him. You not receiving medical treatment will not provoke or prevent a suicide. He needs to realize he is responsible for how he feels, and responsible for getting help if your hospitalization will really upset his balance that badly. You are NOT responsible for another adult's life choices, even if they are your spouse.

I'm sorry to read that you lost your dad to suicide- I do agree that it was his choice, but it makes it no less difficult for those he left behind.

As far as my situation goes, this past week has been exceptionally difficult, peaking on Thursday when my husband was on the verge of being hospitalised.

[gretl]

It does sound like you're making progress, and getting "up there" on the Lamictal can't hurt.  I'm sorry your husband is having such a hard time too -- with three moody people in my house, sometimes it's hard to tell who triggered who!  Bummer that changing his cocktail made such a difference.  There may be other reasons for contemplating a return to the US, but I just wanted to caution you that (eek) his old cocktail might not work for him anymore either.  He might be better off sticking it out and trying to find a new one altogether.  ??  Just  a thought.

And sorry - I had to chuckle at the "ADD tdoc" thing.  Yeah, not a good idea 

I'm happy for your progress, and thank you for posting your updates  ::hugs::

[Guest Skittle unlogged]

Thanks for the kind words gretl (as always - I love your posts; always very gentle and straightforward)

Things have crashed again and are going down and down faster and faster; feel like I'm living in the middle of hell.  Past life karma or something - what, was I Ivan the Terrible or Vlad the Impaler or someone equally heinous and now have to pay for that in this life?

Bottomline: my husband is desperately sick and getting worse by the day.  Lost loads of weight.  We can't afford to get him into a private clinic (money money money blah blah medical insurance blah blah blah) and the only alternative is the state system, which entails a locked ward, bars on the window, etc.  He's refusing, so I'd have to take responsibility as his wife and sign involuntary commitment papers.  Fuck.  Basically he can't get the med cocktail he was on in the US here in South Africa.  Adderall not available, has to make do with Ritalin, Suboxone not available, has to make do with Subutex.. it goes on and on and on.

He has to go back to the US.  As in NOW, by Thurs at the latest.  I've been married for 6 weeks, we moved heaven and earth to be together in one country and build a life and it's all gone to hell.  I'm depressed and suicidal as hell.  So is he.  A horrible combination.  Can't stop crying, asking why why why does our life together have to be so fucking difficult.  We live on brown rice and broccoli, only extravagance is cigarettes, and the rest of our money goes to doctors.

Clearly our life together isn't here.  But he has to go back to see his regular doc in Illinois so that he can stabilise and go back on the exact meds that were working for him.  Hospitalisation here really isn't the sensible choice, because all they could do is work with what's available here.  He really is dying.  He's 6'1" and looks like an anorexic or a heroin addict in advanced stages. And that's just apart from his insanely quick moodswings, blackouts and personality changes to the extent to which I've been afraid of him hitting me.  *crying)

No idea when I'll be able to get out there to be with him or how long it'll take him to get well.  I have my job here to consider and can't just drop everything or  leave without working out my notice period, otherwise I won't be able to touch my retirement funds.  I drive a 17 year old car - selling it isn't going to get a vast load of money.

The shit of it is really (here I'm sounding really selfish) is that I was really starting to stabilise on my med cocktail after years of being screwed around by doctors with incorrect dx's and Rx's.  Now I'm heading for a major dip as a result of this.  I can't help him unless I'm well too.  And it's going to take a shitload of hard work, therapy and meds for that to happen.

Please don't worry anyone (this is not a suicide note)- seeing my pdoc on Wed (Tues is a public holiday here), so she'll know exactly what's going on and keep and eye on me.

Sorry for offloading here; I just feel so alone.  3:30am and sleepless as usual.  We have been crying together for hours and now I'm just worn out.  Nowhere else to set down my thoughts but here; if I tell any of my family or friends they'll hit the roof and just make things worse.  We don't know anyone who's battled with MI stuff to the extent that we have, and they can't see past their own noses or misplaced protectiveness of me.  We're in our 30's, we're adults for god's sake, we've worked really hard to get to this far and all we want is a simple life together.

This disease is fucking EVIL.

[wifezilla]

"He's refusing, so I'd have to take responsibility as his wife and sign involuntary commitment papers.  Fuck"

I have had to do this to my husband 4 times...and FUCK pretty much describes it.

"Basically he can't get the med cocktail he was on in the US here in South Africa"

Because of financial reasons, we buy our medication from India. May want to look into that

(www.supersavermeds.com)

"I can't help him unless I'm well too"

Exactly. Do what you need to and make sure you continue with your meds, therapy, etc.

"Sorry for offloading here; I just feel so alone."

You are not alone...there are so many people here who understand what you are going through. We do feel your pain and, by listening and talking, hope to help in some small way.

"This disease is fucking EVIL."

You can say that again!

[gretl]

Skittle, how's it going?  I saw in CNS's rehab thread that you are planning a move to the states in November.  Whazzup girl?!

[MiaB]

Skittle, how's it going?