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Don't want to be here anymore....


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....on Earth that is. The depression is so dark and deep and gone on so long that I just don't see a way out of it.  I feel doubly trapped because I won't consider suicide because I'm too afraid of whatever is on the otherside.  Gaaah, the pain, stuck between hell here on Earth and hell wherever...  I don't believe people were made to suffer like this...so what the f*?

    I've lived with depression for a long, long time. But, it was managable with therapy and prozac--I was a relatively "normal" and lived a good life.  Now all that is gone...and gone a long time.  I never felt deserving of a good life anyway.  Last summer I had a 3 mo. long, first ever manic episode at 37.  It was truly bat-shit crazy and I never want to go back there again.  Although, my dx was changed to BP1, I am posting here because depression seems to be my main problem.

      I feel like a worthless person.  Always felt less than everyone else.  And now I mostly sleep all day, hiding under the covers from the world.  I have so much anxiety I rarely go out--only when I absolutely have to.  My MI is so complex--depression, crushing anxiety, mania possibly.  I want my old life back!  I want my old brain back! 

  How can a person change so much?  I used to be considered such a kind, loving person and now it feels like I'm just so numb I don't care about anyone or anthing.  It's like my soul has been shot up with novacaine.

    I don't want this to seem like a self indulgent rant-- from all the posts I read everyone seems to be so kind and caring, I thought I'd reach out.

        Thanks for listening

        Lisa

      P.S.  And, yeah I've been on the med-go-round and it doesn't seem to be working.  Maybe I'm med resistant.

     

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Lisa!

I just wanna say that I am sorry you find yourself where you are.  I don't have to deal with half of what you are fighting against and I feel scared.  I'm picturing you sad under the covers and I'm wishing you a beautiful sunny day tomorrow (I know, what an idiot... but a sincere idiot, damn it!).

I hope you'll find some caffeine for your soul sooner than you hope.

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How can a person change so much?  I used to be considered such a kind, loving person and now it feels like I'm just so numb I don't care about anyone or anthing.

have you been diagnosed with "clinical" depression then? or situational? is there/was there a huge amount of stress in your life?

we're here and listening, and I can empathize with everything you said.  I just take it one day at a time.  lexapro has the benefit of at least getting me out of bed and doing "things" not fun things, but things. keeps me busy.

have you told your doc about what you are feeling?  maybe it's time to up your dose? I don't know but stay here, i've found it so helpful.. B)

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I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Please please please talk to your doctor and be honest. Pick up the phone and call-just do it.

It seems like no one can understand how debilitating depression is. A "normal" person just won't get the depths of despair we dwell in. But you are not alone. It sounds trite, but it truly is one day at a time, one foot infront of the other.

Please call you doctor. Tell them the truth about how you feel. If that doctor doesn't get it get a new doctor if you can. And keep posting, we are here, listening.

Peace,

Bobby

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I'm sorry, and I sympathize. 

Even more than the stupidity, the thing that terrified me about depression was the not caring -- about my children, my husband, my new career that I had loved, and moved heaven and earth for.  What kind of a person could feel this? 

That has almost completely passed -- and with work, where it hasn't completely, it's a function of the things I let slide during the depression; had I treated it sooner and more aggressively, there'd be less to feel bad about now.  But I have my family back.  I wasn't permanently scarred by that feeling.

I used to think those analogies to strokes and paraplegia and MS were self-serving, until I realized how insidiously this illness confuses you about who you are and what you can do -- and how, like the others, it only changes the "real" you if you give in to it, and restructure your whole personality around it.  And that would take more than a year.  It's not too late.

Similarly, the meds thing sucks, I know it, you can feel worse as much as better and then you blame yourself -- but surely it takes more than a year to conclude that you're med-resistant.  Aggressive measures!  And these can include radical lifestyle change; as my husband says, move to California if you truly must -- it's better than this kind of despair.

Best wishes, and kudos for keeping suicide off the table.

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Lisa, I am where you are.  Dark, dark, dark, ugly inside. Meds have not worked or have pooped out -- but you must keep trying the literal billions of combination there are out there. All there is to do is keep reaching out, asking for a hand up. People here usually will respond. Keep telling your story, and keep telling us how you're feeling. The more specific you are, the more likely that someone will be able to help you aside from the already very helpful sympathy we offer. Please keep talking to us.

clumsycrawling

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Guest Guest_stipple_*

You have to figure something out that un bores you,anything and i meen anything for today.You know suicide is really boring and thinking about it more boring. Do you have any dopey books that have nothing to do with reality and what you are going thru ? T.V. sucks .Use your hands somehow anything that takes you away from your thoughts.

    I know how you feel,its like there is nothingness but there is something i promise.Its good that you are writing,keep writing.....we are here and you are too,you aren't alone on this one.

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Lisa,

I'm so glad you found us. You can have a voice here where people will listen and understand.

It can be tempting to think you're beyond medical help becuase you haven't found the right cocktail of medications that's going to lift the depression but keep you from getting manic again. It must be especially galling remembering that one little Prozac pill worked for years.

How forceful have you been with your pdoc? There have been several threads talking about how we "behave" for the doc, because he's an authority figure and we want to be "good", but end up sabotaging ourselves instead. You've got to be honest and not hold it back. Your doc can't treat you if you aren't giving him the whole picture.

You are not worthless. That feeling is a symptom of the depression. It's not the truth. It's the disease.

I hope you'll keep posting.

Greeny

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I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. Depession sucks.  Can you schedule an appointment with a therapist to help get some of these feelings out? Hang on and do the best you can. The one thing about being depressed is that at some point it goes away.

Lilie

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      Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement.  If the world were filled with more people like the ones on these boards, it would be a better world.

        Sorry--don't know how to do the quote thing...on an old mac.

        Soulshards-this is definetly clinical MDD.  I'm depressed because my life has fallen apart so completely--I feel like I've lost the skills I once had.  It  feels like I can't come back from where I've fallen--broke, on Medicaid, having to move back in with my Mom because I can't afford anything on SSI and divorced.  I'm not working right now--I've got a good education, but feel too overwhelmed by depression and anxiety.

        It is hard to talk to my therapist because an inpatient hospital is literally right down the hall .  I think one remark about SI or just how deeply depressed I am will lead directly to the hospital. 

          For my medication I have a nurse practitioner (guess where her office is).  I tell her I am very depressed she said, "well, we could increase the abilify, but I'd have to ask my supervisor."

I know I need to honest to get the help, but the consequences are too high--I've been in the hospital before, it was hell on wheels and I never want to go back.

Thanks again for replying--it actually made me feel a little better to know that others have been where I am and come back from it.

Lisa

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hey LiLi,

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I know how it feels and, in all honesty, it just plain sucks.  I'm glad that you found this place b/c I think (and hope!) that writing about how you feel and knowing that you are not alone, but among understanding friends, will help you through these trying times.

Now, my two cents: just because you go to a doc who works down the hall from the inpatient facility, doesn't mean that if you say any of the "magic words" you are automatically going to be escorted to a paded room!    I have trouble being open and honest with my doctors as well (although i guess for different reasons than you).  I hope, though, that you can try the best you can to convey your pain to them in a way that you feel comfortable with and will also let them help you. 

take care

~Ophelia

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