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Once again...I screwed up majorly!


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Well, I lost it!  Snapped!  Grabbed those faithful scissors of mine and sliced the hell out of my left arm worse than I have ever done in my life!

*sighs*  I see my therapist today at five.

I wouldn't have done this if my father wouldn't have been a total ass to me this morning about getting my car fixed.  Wouldn't have done this if he wouldn't have yelled at me about my bills.  Wouldn't have done this if he would have treated me with respect.  Wouldn't have done this if he would just understand me.  I also punched the hell out of the wall nearly breaking my right knuckles.

I'm a mess.  I don't need stitches.  I refuse to go to the hospital and I will say this to my therapist.  It's my right to refuse this, right?

Didn't have anything to wrap my arm up but a paper towel and I don't have any ointment, so I just washed the cuts and I'm using the paper towel to help stop the bleeding.

Yeah, I fucked up.  I knew this was going to happen.  Had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later.  Been upset since the day I threw my kitchen table.

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Counting the hours to my confession with my therapist.  I'm really scared.  My best friend says that they can't force me to go to the hospital, that I'll have to sign some kind of forms saying that they're not responsible if I do something...such as attempt my life, which I'm not about to do.

I'm just scared, this is the worst cutting episode I've ever done, besides the time I actually had to have stitches.  I counted 16 slashes on my left arm.  Damn, what has gotten into me lately???  If my father hadn't triggered me this morning, I wouldn't have done this.

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When you say you can't be forced to go to the hospital, I assume you mean for stitches. And, no, I don't think anyone can force you to go for that.

As far as being told to go to the hospital for psychiatric reasons, I think you decide that too. Do you feel like you need that? If not, just concentrate on dealing with the reason you did this. You also need to treat these cuts. Get butterfly bandages, ointment, bandaids, gauze and tape, whatever will work.

You seem to have been struggling in your posts recently. Do you think this has been building up? That would certainly explain your reaction to your father's criticism. It sounds like a situation that would make me SI.

Try not to panic. take things one step at a time. I think you need some support. That might have to be your priority. That doesn't mean the hospital, but it does mean allowing your therapist to make some suggestions, and you trying to follow them. You might need a med change, temporary or permanent.

And you need some bandages. Paper towels aren't going to do it.

Let us know how you are doing.

Please take care of yourself,

elaine

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sweetie if it needs treatment pls get it.  You do deserve helpful and humane treatment, if i was there id come with u to the hospital or doctors, its important to look after your injuries as believe me the last thing u need right now is an infection.  if u want to chat im always listening

xxx

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I'm sorry to hear that. ;) Cutting is a very difficult thing to deal with. I strongly suggest that you seek treatment for the wounds, especially from scissors. I'm permanently disfigured from cutting, and it can be minimized with treatment......it seems to me that it always escalates until something forces you to stop.

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My therapist was absolutely wonderful with me today.  She didn't chastise me or anything.  I showed her what I did after I told her what happened between my father and me this morning.  And of course I told her about me flipping out the other day and throwing my kitchen table and benches.  And the whole drug withdrawl thing too.  She feels not only do I need a med change, but I might be going manic again.

She gave me a long list of things to do if I ever feel like cutting or any other kind of self damaging things.

I have yet to go to the store and get bandages and ointment.  I should have earlier, but my mind has been so out of wack thanks to Dad.  Man he really pissed me off.  And why did he have to take all his frustrations out on me???  He knows I can't handle shit these days, let alone any days for that matter.

Thanks for caring everyone.  It really means a lot to me.  I know I've said this a billion times, but sometimes I need to say it again.

Hugs...and yes, I'm doing okay for now.  I see the pdoc on Thursday, so hopefully some med changes will be made.

Elizabeth

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I should have earlier, but my mind has been so out of wack thanks to Dad.  Man he really pissed me off.  And why did he have to take all his frustrations out on me???  He knows I can't handle shit these days, let alone any days for that matter.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm really sorry that it got that far.  Hopefully with the very supportive therapist you have and a med change from your pdoc, you will be helped immensely.

Take care of yourself and I'm here on PM or IM is you need anything

~Ophelia

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Well, I saw my Pdoc on Thursday.  Joy!  First of all, after I told him about my increased irritability (the incident with me throwing my kitchen table and benches, the constant fighting with my family mainly my father) he said, "Well, I think you need to go back on the Abilify even if you did have side effect problems.  It's either that or two others that you had problems with.  Depakote or Risperdal.  Your choice."

My choice???  Okay, first of all, Depakote screwed my liver up...he showed me my chart and said that my liver levels weren't all that high...then why on Earth did my family doctor and my Nephrologist freak out?  Risperdal made me incontinent of both bowel and bladder, while I was sleeping!  Yeah, I'll take that one, jerk!  And the Abilify makes my stomach feel like it's rotting from the inside out.  My choice??? 

In the end, he chose for me the maxium mg doseage of Abilify...no slow increase or anything.  Just jump straight up to 30 mg at bedtime.  Yet he tells me to make sure I eat before I take this fucking pill and to double up on my Prilosec.  Okay, how about giving me a script then so I can double up on my Prilosec you jerk!

He also told me I'm to stay away from my father, since he's the one who triggered me into this last cutting episode.  Well, screw that!  My father and I made up and said we were sorry to one another...plus, I even had enough guts to show Dad what I had done to myself.

The doctor also wants me off of Klonopin.  He didn't take me off this time, but dammit it all to hell and back again, I still have anxiety problems, how the hell am I going to get by without something to help me???

I hate that doctor more now than I did before.  You'd think he could have come up with some other kind of mood stabilizer that I've never been on before instead of putting me back on something that I've tried and had horrible side effects with.  Ever since I had his appt.  I've been extremely depressed.

At this point in my life, I hate to say this, but I hate my life...I wish I could just vanish.  If I'm such a burden to everyone, I wish that something would happen to me and I'd die.  I won't commit suicide.  I lie in bed sometimes and wish my sleep apnea would just make me stop breathing and I'd die in my sleep.  I'm not that lucky though.

Elizabeth

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I thought you were doing better because of the Lamictal?  Are you still on it?  Sucks that things suck again, I read about the cutitng thing a few days ago and my heart went out to you. 

Did you mention the slow increase of Abilify to pdoc?  or did you just let him tell you and not speak up?  Maybe call him and say that you would really prefer to titrate to control the side effects.  He (pdoc) is probably just concerned about the extent of your wig out, but since you are working on it with your tdoc and talking to your dad, maybe it will be better. 

And fuck the incontinence thing, that is not an option.

I have checked out your website (and other people's - have too much time on my hands) and have learned some stuff about you and think you are way cool.  I was psyched to see you posted the positive lamictal post and was really upset for you that you had that fight with your dad, and threw the table and such.  But if that is a catalyst for things to get better again, then so be it. 

I'm rooting for you. 

Wende

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No,  Lamictal and I didn't get along either.  I can't remember what the heck happened to me when I was on it.  My memory is shot all to hell these days.  The longer time passes, the more I forget things.  I also suffer from short term memory loss.  For example...did I eat today???  Did I take my meds??? 

Only certain things I remember, things that seem to cling to my brain for some weird reason.  I can't memorize numbers, I can't memorize words (hence why I never try out for local plays and musicals), I'm just a mess.

I'm supposed to go to my parents  for dinner tonight.  I haven't seen my mother for over a week now and she knows what I did because Dad told her.  I don't know whether or not to put an arm warmer on to cover up what I did, or just go up and say, the hell with it.  She knows I've been a cutter, as a matter of fact, she was with me when I hurt myself so bad I had to go to the ER and lie myself through the facts and tell them a story that was so way off track that I should have been given an award for my performance.

As for my pdoc not starting me off on the lower dosage of Abilify, he probably did that because this will be my third time on that stupid pill.  I'd love to shove a broom up his ass sideways, to be honest with ya.  Oooo....he pisses me off! 

Well, I need to do some things around the house before I go to my parents.  My mother better not start with me, that's all I have to say.  I'll just leave and to hell with eating.  I don't care if I eat anyway. 

Elizabeth

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I screwed up last night. I got very anxious and frustrated and cut over the cut which had started healing pretty nicely. it was such a stupid thing to do now I've got to figure out how to hide it until it heals up again ;)

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I know this doesn't solve anything or make the cuts go away, but I wear arm warmers.  Problem is with arm warmers is age factor.  I know if someone who was, let's just say my mother's age, 61, would look silly as hell wearing arm warmers from Hot Topic.  My mother likes to tell me I'm too old for them and I'm 33.  Personally, I know that many people don't think I look or even act my age, so I can get away with wearing "trendy" clothes and accessories.  I used to wear arm warmers just for looks, not to cover up anything.  Now I have to cover up my stupidity, at least, that's the way I'm looking at what I did a week ago.

I hope you're doing okay.  That stupid Abilify is just now starting to make me feel like shit.  My stomach is really bothering me today.  I was expecting this.  I'm also in a lot of pain today.

Well, I suppose I should go and take a shower.  Take care and like what everyone told me, make sure you take care of your cut.

Elizabeth

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Well, dinner at the parents last night was okay, but tonight, Dad started in on me again.  I was going to leave, but Mom actually butted in and told me to stay.

Dad's been such a control freak, she said and tried to tell me to just ingore him, but it's hard for me to ignore him, especially when he's targeting me.  Plus he's been picking on me about what I did last weekend.  He'll pretend he's cutting his arm up, then he'll say, "I'm just picking on you."  I'll glare at him and grit my teeth to avoid yelling at him.  Maybe my doctor is right, I should avoid him for a while, but because I have no food, going up to my parents house is the only place I can go to eat.  I hate this.

I'm also pissed off and hurt because my sister went on a road trip this evening and never thought to ask me if I'd like to tag along knowing full well that it would have done me a world of good to get away from here.  She invited her best friend and MY best friend.  Plus, she has said to me in an email, while she was away last week, that she had a belated birthday present for me and I could come over and hang out with her tonight.  So here I sit, alone.  I'm really hurt.  I wouldn't do that to her.  She's such a two-faced bitch.  She talks shit about my best friend, then asks him if he wants to go on a road trip?  Then doesn't even ask me if I want to go along, knowing that where they were going is some place I've never been to and would love to go to.

Guess I made the mistake in confiding to her.  I thought if I told her what I did she would be there for me.  Guess I was fucking wrong.  I'm just a freak and she wants nothing to do with me.

I miss her so much, but she doesn't treat me with respect.  I'm a burden, a freak, a mental basket case and she doesn't want anything to do with me.  Some Christian she is.  I'm sorry, but she's a fucking hypocrit!  She backstabs me all the time.  *shakes my head*  I just don't understand her anymore.  I used to know her like the back of my hand, now she's a stranger to me.  I used to pretend she was my daughter...but she's not even that to me.  She's just my next door neighbor.

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