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mean, bitter, indifferent, apathetic, aimless, tired, powerless, cynical, and more afraid than ever...

I used to cover random pieces of paper on my desk with the words "I hate myself." I threw away those papers, but now I really have reason to hate myself. I'm in a deep hole and I refuse to do anything to help myself. I only want to make myself more miserable. I want more pain.

Good things annoy me. When I catch myself in a moment of optimism, I do everything I can to get out. I don't want help. I want to be asleep. I don't need advice or sympathy. I know what I need to do, I ahve all possible resources for help. But I will not. I enjoy this perverse pleasure of pointless and stupid self-destruction. And not even destruction, I'm too afraid of that. There is nothing wrong with me. I just like being miserable, because it's comfortable and saves me the trouble of actually living my life.

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You are not bitter or mean Space, I know.  Wanting pain means masochism, and you don't strike me as a masochist (who are cool in my book, I might be a saddist!).  That on the clear, it'd seem there's plenty wrong with you (who's perfect, right ;) ? ) and you might want to see it.

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Depression will wear you down until you just stop fighting it. After all, what's the point of optimism, effort, faith, action, hope and trying to get better when it seems like, inevitably, you're going to end up in the same horrible place? ...that much more tired, that much more cynical, etc.

It's defensive, really. As in, if after all of my effort, my life is still this bad, then I might as well earn the pain by not trying, not caring, not living. At least then there's a reason for my misery.

Good things annoy me. When I catch myself in a moment of optimism, I do everything I can to get out.
That is self-protective. It's an attempt to avoid trying to get up and falling back down again. Trying and failing feels far worse than not trying at all.

There is nothing wrong with me.

Erm...I beg to differ. This post is not written by someone right with the world or himself.

At this moment you are exhausted. It happens. You're not the first and won't be the last who finally says I give up, I have no more effort to give. But at some point, you're going to have to try again. Different docs, different therapy, new meds or cocktails.

Not today, maybe, but when you're ready. You say you have resources for help. Good. I hope you see a time soon when you can ask for help one more time.

I know you can't believe it right now, but even as low as you are right now, there is hope and there is something(s) that will help pull you out of this hell.

Greeny

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You're not the first and won't be the last who finally says I give up, I have no more effort to give. But at some point, you're going to have to try again.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My problem is that i have never given any effort. I can't try again because I've never tried. I was lucky enough that when I started Zoloft, it worked. I felt like myself and I thought I'd left this crap behind. But the improvement was not because of anything I did, it just happened. Now it is just happening that I'm back to the beginning. If something works again, everything will be great, if not, then, well, i guess I'm doomed. Life is too much work and I will not do the work. I only do things that are easy.

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You're not the first and won't be the last who finally says I give up, I have no more effort to give. But at some point, you're going to have to try again.

My problem is that i have never given any effort. I can't try again because I've never tried. I was lucky enough that when I started Zoloft, it worked. I felt like myself and I thought I'd left this crap behind. But the improvement was not because of anything I did, it just happened. Now it is just happening that I'm back to the beginning. If something works again, everything will be great, if not, then, well, i guess I'm doomed. Life is too much work and I will not do the work. I only do things that are easy.

Space -

The thought patterns you are illustrating are classical depressive thinking.  Nothing is wrong with you?  Au contriare, mon fr

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