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Memories of Childhood


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Reading these boards has been stirring up the mud at the bottom of my mind.

Just how long have I been "Mentally Interesting" then?

I'm forty something now, but thinking back to about 5,6,7,8,9 years old, I realized I had depression locks then. People just called me Lazy and a "Day Dreamer" then.

But since I've always been semi-functional, I have avoided the diagnoses and mental heatlh system and the meds. (Labels like, Weird, Unusual, "Race on his Own" I have in plenty)

School was an unending stream of pain, fear, boredom and confusion to me. And yet I have met people who attended the same school claim it was the best years of their life. So Strange!

I wonder how many of us can look back now to those early school years and realize that some mental difference was there, long before anyone noticed or realized.

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Reading these boards has been stirring up the mud at the bottom of my mind.

Just how long have I been "Mentally Interesting" then?

I'm forty something now, but thinking back to about 5,6,7,8,9 years old, I realized I had depression locks then. People just called me Lazy and a "Day Dreamer" then.

But since I've always been semi-functional, I have avoided the diagnoses and mental heatlh system and the meds. (Labels like, Weird, Unusual, "Race on his Own" I have in plenty)

School was an unending stream of pain, fear, boredom and confusion to me. And yet I have met people who attended the same school claim it was the best years of their life. So Strange!

I wonder how many of us can look back now to those early school years and realize that some mental difference was there, long before anyone noticed or realized.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i really think that i tried my hardest to forget most of my childhood/early teenage years.  in the last year, ive had memories of horrid depression and suicidal ideation when i was younger. i just recently found a suicide letter i wrote my mom when i was 12, and a whole notebook of "I hate myself and want to die." It was on every single page...

then i remember the binges that went on for days, and the weeks of depression...

you dont really think about it much until youre older, i suppose.  my mom used to always pass it off as me being a problem child, who was irresponsible and only cared about myself.  heh...

now im diagnosed with bp1 - only 24.

figures.

xo

tal

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Yes it was there as a kid but even then I tried to hide it from most people - remember a really bad spell when 14 and only one friend knew because he noticed an odd expression and sat down and refused to move until I explained...I'd been looking at a possible route to suicide.  Never remember actually being suicidal but my brain was trying to figure 'if it would work'. Most people don't even notice now because they don't want to look.

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hmm...

i also remember keeping notes on 'reasons to kill yourself'.

i found them last monday when i decided to clean out my boxes of old notes and personal crap from when i was younger...

very disturbing stuff.

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Not BP, just depressed  ;)

I remember in the third grade, my Mom telling a friend that I was "just too sensitive".  I didn't know what it meant, but knew it was bad. 

Started cutting in 8th grade and did so for about 3 years, then discovered beer and pot.

When I was 16 or 17, folks sent me to a shrink, but he said I might as well not come any more after 3 sessions and nothing but silence on my part (I didn't know anything about physician confidentiality and figured it would be straight in his ear to my Dad's ear).

I often wished I just didn't exist anymore, but never got serious about suicide until my first semester in college, when my fiancee broke my heart.  But the week I was ready to make my exit, one of my roommates took a leap of a high tower -- when I saw how it hurt his family, I decided to wait.  The suicidal thoughts came back from time to time, epsecially first few years of my first marriage.  The no suicidal thoughts for 25 years until the same woman that broke my heart in 1973 decided to drop back into my life just long enought to do it again.

Then finally, marriage counselor from my work's EAP program, STRONGLY suggested having my primary doc set up a psych eval for me because of strong indications of depression.  Diagnosed the next month and started on lexapro.

Tommy

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