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Caillech

Stuck on Stupid

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Thank you.

I suppose the day will come, but I just don't know if it's really worth waiting around for.

I'm so tired of fighting all this MI crap and all the fun that entails.

It took me three years to get over an ex from high school. And I was fucked up.

I wish I could just make the decision for it to not matter anymore.

But it just doesn't seem that simple, alas.

Thanks again.

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I honestly think this is never going to heal. Ever.

I have no words of wisdom whatsoever.

What I have - is the same problem.

My deepest sympathies.

~ May

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May i'm sorry that you are going through the same stuff. I honestly wouldn't wish this on anyone. Maybe him, but then maybe not.

I have been writing to deal with all the stuff thats coming out. So much of it is angry, which I guess is normal. But a full year after the fact? I shouldn't still be angry.

My mom keeps telling me that the only way I am going to get over him is by finding someone else. I don't want it to be that way, so i'm calling that bullshit. I should be able to become whole and healed within myself before getting all wrapped up in another man (boy? because they all seem to be that).

I guess I should say I still shouldn't be this angry.

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May i'm sorry that you are going through the same stuff. I honestly wouldn't wish this on anyone. Maybe him, but then maybe not.

I have been writing to deal with all the stuff thats coming out. So much of it is angry, which I guess is normal. But a full year after the fact? I shouldn't still be angry.

My mom keeps telling me that the only way I am going to get over him is by finding someone else. I don't want it to be that way, so i'm calling that bullshit. I should be able to become whole and healed within myself before getting all wrapped up in another man (boy? because they all seem to be that).

I guess I should say I still shouldn't be this angry.

Ha, I'd wish it on him.

I'm at like 9 months and if it isn't obvious, I'm still that angry too.

I call the same bullshit, and besides it wouldn't be fair on anyone else to start something up with me while I've got this much crap in my head that hasn't been worked out yet. It's like uber baggage. *sigh*

I assume it's going to need lots and LOTS of therapy to go away. Because I feel you... after this long, even you get tired of listening to yourself complain.

And it feel like it's never going to go the fuck away.

~ May

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Ok, here's the thing.

I have felt that "this" will not go away before after previous break ups. And it always does. Do I ever give five fucks about the ex from high school? Nope. Never.

The ex before the current ex (thats such a stupid sentence)? Nope.

So I will be able to say one day "I don't think about him anymore" because I won't.

It's just the NOW that's hard. This present moment. And the moment after this one (Oi! there it goes!)

I don't know what to do with now. And I don't know how long it's going to be before now (in the sense that I want to obsess about him) will be gone.

That only adds to the whole whatever the fuck you would call this.

He lives right there. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not walk over there and knock on the door and sob like a baby and beg and plead for...something.

I actually saw myself going over there the other day with two guns. One for him and one for the whore he is fucking right now. See I would have shot him and then myself. I would have let her live if she would keep quiet.

This can't be normal. It just can't.

And I can't tell anyone because they would do a terrasoft warning. And I know deep down inside I would never, ever, ever for the world hurt him.

Because I love loved him.

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Today was somewhat better.

I didn't obsess as much. Looked out the window a few times. My daughter always yells "FAIL" and she's right.

I do fail.

I figured I would write a positive post as opposed to my whiney/bitch/I want to kill him/myself crap.

Tomorrow will probably be back to regular programming, however.

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*Sigh*

Today is very hard. I can't stop crying. I just can't. And for the same reason.

It's much improved tho because I no longer want to kill him or myself. Improvement.

I just miss him soooo much. And it's been almost two years. It's just not well. It shouldn't hurt this much that long after the fact. I have even had a very short and fucked up relationship since the ex and I broke up.

I'm not angry anymore. Just terribly sad inside. And....idk. I know i'm working on it. But it's not easy and it just will not leave. I thought it would go away once i moved away. once i didn't have to watch his life being lived away from me.

But noooooo.

I wrote him a note at myspace telling him im working on it. Im looking at it from all different angles. He wrote back good. And that was it. Not that i expect anymore. Cuz I don't.

I just want it to be over. Just over.

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